There's a Sucker Born Every Minute

And unfortunately, I am now one of them...

I pride myself on being a cynic. This way, I avoid falling victim to scam and thus ridicule. Trust me, my friends and family can be brutal. I approach things in a very logical way, for the most part, and research and analyze until it drives even the most patient saint nuts. This is not to say I am not spontaneous, because I am very much so, just not where my money is concerned. Often times it can be pretty damn difficult to pry a buck out of my hands. The other day I made a comment about money and Braeden responded "Mr. Krabs likes money." Smart boy, as green is one of his favorite things. This is a bit unnerving to realize how much I have in common with a talking crab with whale for a daughter.

At any rate, here's the point to my story...



I love that stupid lift in the crown of women's hair. I've been a fan for a long time and it's funny that it only recently has become a nationwide obsession. Nobody has flat hair, they all have that pouf in the back. I have a LOT of hair so up until now, I've been pretty lucky with being able to just give it a little tease should the mood strike me and on my way I go. I've also pulled up the sides (now that it's long enough again) and used them as anchors to pull the middle hair up. Works pretty well if I do say so myself. However, I always felt there just had to be another way... And to think some people spend their days worrying about finding a job. How shallow I've become.




Well I'd be a bird with no leg (thank you, Wes) if I didn't recently see a commercial for Bumpits, plastic inserts concealed in the crown of your hair to give you that most desirable look. Of course, why didn't I think of that! I'd be a millionaire! Of course, I never patented my stupid idea way back when to cut off the feet of my nylons either, and look where that's gotten me. (Reality check Amanda...I don't think it counts as an idea when you think of it while you're wasted at sorority formal and are sick of just getting holes in the bottoms of your nyloned foot...hardly the purpose of Spanks).



Back on point...as with everything that costs me money, I researched. Google is my best friend. I read all the reviews and was quite saddened to see that most people were very let down by said plastic. I read that you can see the combs, they don't stay in place, the arch is visible, there is a bad "dropoff"....etc, etc, etc. So I shelved the idea, both because of the reviews and because I make it a practice to never order anything from TV. My Father in Law only reinforced that with his recent purchase of the GT Xpress.

Yesterday it resurfaced. While lying sick in bed with some ridiculous virus that took both my voice and my breath, a bumpits commercial came on. Again, my hopes soared. Until I saw the price, plus shipping and handling. Crazy, I say....crazy!!! Yet once again I found myself on the net researching them...perhaps in the last month or two they've changed the product, or someone's uncovered a secret to using them????

And then I saw it...someone posted they got them at Sally Beauty Supply (cue ad on right). At 9 am this morning I was calling my local store and by 11 am, I was in the door picking up the last blonde one they had in stock. The checker explained I can return them if they don't work out, which was music to my ears, because even those the $9.49 price tag is over half what they wanted on tv, $10 is still $10 and I don't want to spend $10 on crap. I save that money for a pack of smokes when I hit the bar. See the logic????

When we got home, I set Braeden up with some colored pencils and Spongebob and eagerly went to work. I could feel my heart racing in anticipation. I read the directions. Followed them precisely. Here's what I am hoping to acheive. My hair is a bit longer now but this is just cool:



Take 1: OOOHHHH!!!! Look at that height!!!! But shit, you can see the teeth on the combs. Easily.

Take 2. Tease more. Insert. You can see the insert. It's shiny.

Take 3: Tease more. Hairspray more. I guess this is like primer? Insert. Comb teeth. Why does my hair feel thin? I have enough freaking hair to cover this gadget.

Take 4: Flip upside down and tease and spray. Obviously this volumizing device needs volume to work. I look like Bride of Frankenstein. You can see the combs.

Take 5: Pull more hair forward so I have more hair to cover the crescent. Tease. Insert device. It now sits too far back on my head and looks like I have a strange tumor. And you can still see the combs.

Take 6: Flip upside down and tease furiously again. Blood rushes to my face. Flip up and ugly blue vein is protruding from my forehead. Insert and tossle hair with fingers while spraying hairspray. Separate hairspray-doused strands of hair with comb. Bump stupid Bumpit with comb and knock it out of place. I now have lift on the right side of my head. You can see the combs.

Take 7 - 10: Guess.

Take 11: Take stretchy headband and insert in hair, fluffing back of head with fingers, no device. Nice volume in back, decent lift in the crown.

Fuckers.

Guess I'll be going back to Sally soon to return these "As seen on TV" pieces of plastic. What a fool I am.... :(

"That Bird Has No Leg"

"That Bird Has No Leg"
And this shall furthermore be known as the primo diss.

On "The Bachelorette" we've been subjected to Wes' ride from super hottie to super scumbag. Unfortunately for Jillian, our fine Bachelorette, she was oblivious to his increasingly turd-like ways. And I shouldn't even use the word "unfortunately" because progressive episodes showed her being clued into the fact (clued in = being told point blank by several bachelors) that Wes has a girlfriend at home and that he's just on the show for publicity for his new record. She chose to ignore them and gave him a rose anyways because he's A) Hot and B) They have chemistry. I'm sure he's mastered the chemistry part already with that lady at home...

I'm finally catching up on the season and on the episode I watched last night, she gave him the long-awaited boot to the ass. This was after she noticed his emotional and physical distance. I've got news for Jillian... the beginning of the relationship is the good part. Not that things go downhill, but if you're meant to be with someone, there will never be those awkward silent moments. You should be jumping each other like dogs. I'm just sayin'....

Wes is now claiming he was the victim of bad editing. Let's look at this...I mean really look at it. Producers and editors, as evil as they may be in order to make a buck cannot make things come out of your mouth such as:

(Paraphrasing, but you'll get the drift)

"I'm the one going and I'll be home having lots of sex." (to one of the other contenders, mind you)

"I already got what I came here for...I've been on the show for 6 episodes and got all the publicity I needed for my upcoming album."

"I'm just here to promote my new album." (we saw your band on the show dude....seriously, I wouldn't quit your day job any time soon)

"I'm the first dude who's made it all the way to the final four with a girlfriend."

"My acting days are over."

Really, who does this guy think he is??? These words could not be taken out of context. You are not being portrayed as an asshole. You are an asshole. Good luck with that record dude. You just pissed off half the female population. Exactly HOW did you think behaving like this would get you further in your career???

But my favorite quote had to come from their awkward, distant date. Jillian asks Wes if he'd consider moving if she picked him in the end. After he responds that most important is "numero uno" (not shitting you), he spills his beer and points and observes "That bird has no leg".

Exactly the words every woman waits to hear.

(and for the record, I am in love with Reid. Not a little, but a lot. Unfortunately, he has that whole neurotic thing going on. It may be cute now but trust me, neurotic tendencies can get really trying really fast.... I love Kiptyn too but his mom scares the bejeezes out of me)

Jon and Kate Plus the Hate

Am I the only person who hasn't watched this trainwreck unfold? It seems everyone I know watches this show. Because I am curious by nature, I had to tune in last night to see what the "Big Announcement" was. I was hoping it was that Kate was going to do something different with her hair. It really is quite distracting. Instead, it was the news that they are separating. Boo Effing Hoo. Big surprise.

I am sickened by these two. Although I have never seen the "happier times" that I've heard were filmed early on in the series, what I saw last night was enough to tell me that Kate is a self-absorbed shrew. She sat there and went on and on about how everything she does she does for the children and they mean so much to her. Speaking Mother to Mother, you do not parade your children in front of the world while your marriage is unfolding and claim you are doing it for the children. Divorce is a private matter and at the first sign things were unraveling, a responsible parent would have pulled out of the show. Contractual obligations broken, pay the penalties out of the fortune you've made off the show. Your family and children's well being is worth it. Give up the free trips, spa makeovers, wardrobe and lavish home.

They both claim they're pressing on with the show to provide for the kids. Are they so jaded they don't even realize that parents raise children all the time and provide with an actual JOB? That kids are perfectly happy being middle class, forgoing the stupid crooked houses and visits from American Choppers as long as they feel loved and secure?

Your job as a parent is to raise well adjusted kids who will grow on to be competent, contributing adults. Divorce is never easy, but doing it in the public eye when you're just trying to find your place in the world is potentially devastating. Why would you want to document their heartache for all to see? Are they so beyond rationality that they cannot see that? These children are going to need extra love and support, and complete and utter focus from their separating parents. NOT to have a film crew follow each tear. Does anyone really want to watch an episode where the kids place self blame and ask Kate "What did we do to make you not love each other anymore?" You're sick twisted if you do.

Shame on TLC and shame on the Gosselin parents.

These two need to take the high road and act on their words...put those kids first. Take things behind closed doors and give them a chance. Until you do so, do not expect anyone to believe your children are the most important things in the world to you.



In it for the kids or in it for bad hair?

Nature's Sick and Twisted Sense of Humor

What would you think if you came home after a nice, relaxing summertime weekend and saw THIS in one of your mulch beds???




If you're anything like me, you'd think a deer wandered into your yard and puked up half his stomach. I thought I was going add to the pile of what appeared to be vomit with some of my own.

Because my on-call horticulturist (wink) was on her own sun-soaking vaca, I decided to do a little bit of research myself. Apparently I am not alone in thinking that this foaming mass was vomit. It's called slime mold, but commonly referred to as "dog vomit fungus." Funny thing is that it is not a fungus at all, although that does little to make me feel better.

Wikipedia tells me this:

Life cycle

They begin life as amoeba-like cells. These unicellular amoebae are commonly haploid and multiply if they encounter their favorite food, bacteria. These amoebae can mate if they encounter the correct mating type and form zygotes which then grow into plasmodia. These contain many nuclei without cell membranes between them, which can grow to be meters in size. One variety is often seen as a slimy yellow network in and on rotting logs. The amoebae and the plasmodia engulf microorganisms. The plasmodium grows into an interconnected network of protoplasmic strands.[4]

Within each protoplasmic strand the cytoplasmic contents rapidly stream. If one strand is carefully watched for about 50 seconds the cytoplasm can be seen to slow, stop, and then reverse direction. The streaming protoplasm within a plasmodial strand can reach speeds of up to 1.35 mm per second which is the fastest rate recorded for any organism.[5] Migration of the plasmodium is accomplished when more protoplasm streams to advancing areas and protoplasm is withdrawn from rear areas. When the food supply wanes, the plasmodium will migrate to the surface of its substrate and transform into rigid fruiting bodies. The fruiting bodies or sporangia are what we commonly see, they superficially look like fungi or molds but are not related to the true fungi. These sporangia will then release spores which hatch into amoebae to begin the life cycle again.[4]

Now I really wish I paid attention in biology instead of just copying my ex-boyfriend's notes.

That's right, that mass actually fucking moves. Excuse my language, but I am at a loss on what else to say when I find out that I have nomadic mold growing in the mulch beds I've worked rather hard at maintaining this year. Apparently, when it's done migrating and eating, it bleeds to death. Well, not actually, but it oozes red blood like material that is a sign that the mass is breaking down. We can't even move the bitches until they're all dried and shriveled up or else they'll spray spores all over hell and multiply.

I'm told this is all very normal and happens all the time. Again, doesn't make me feel a whole lot better.

Best part about all this...there isn't a damn thing at all we did to cause this and there isn't a damn thing at all we can do to prevent it in the future. We are up to 5 masses now.

My son thinks it's cool. I think Nature is sick and effing twisted.


Slime mold in it's early stages...you know, the stage where it MOVES


(note these are not pictures from my yard...only ones I found on the net. Either way, it's repulsive)

UGH!!!

Hi, have you met me? I like to eat when I'm stressed out. In fact, I'm sitting here eating 4 slices of bacon right now. If I weren't low-carbing, I'm pretty sure it would be a bowl of pasta. And a cigarette. Not that they're high in carbs, it's just that I don't have a drink in hand at the moment.

I have grown to be very, very pissed off about certain things. Having a "victim" mentality has never been my style but things have just gotten so fucked up with this damn recession. And the root of all my frustrations is Joe's job. While I will keep "shop talk" to a minimum (good internet etiquette....never know who's reading, ya know!), I will say that his twins get a good kicking on a daily basis. You'd think, in this economy, that employers would work to hold on to those who have proven themselves to BRING IN MONEY, and lots of it. Trim the fat but keep the filet. Not to reduce Joe to a choice cut of meat, but there is no better metaphor. Instead, he continues to see his "benefits" widdle away while they hire additional employees...

So why am I so pissed off? Long ago, in a land not so far away, it was common to work for your coveted benefits. Work hard and earn a salary. Work hard and receive paid time off. Work hard and get good health insurance to vastly aid in paying medical bills.

Fast forward to present day... You are almost better off sitting on your fat, fucking lazy ass...screw working! Then you collect assistance, food stamps, and BADGER CARE!!! Of course, the list of unemployment bennies goes further, but these are the big 3.

Never mind the fact that many people on assistance eat better than I do. Why go to Aldi when you can get brand name LIPTON and not worry about it being more expensive? You needn't count your pennies when it comes to feeding your family!

Never mind the fact that hard working people get up every day and go to work, living for the weekend or those big 2-week paid vacations a year? You know, when they get paid but don't have to go to work? If you're lazy and take advantage of the state, you're living the dream on a daily basis! Every day is a vacation day!!!

Never mind those things. What's really chapping my ass today is the fact that we got a bill in the mail from the Health Care provider stating we need to pay an additional $20 in copay monies as the $30 we already shelled out wasn't enough...the doctor is billing as a specialist. FOR WHAT!? So the nurse practitioner (that's right...didn't even get to see this SPECIALIST I'm apparently going to have to pay for) could agree that yes, the wanna pull the toilet paper holder off the wall burning sensation I was experiencing was in fact a urinary tract infection? No shit, sherlock. I don't need a specialist to tell me that!

What on Earth does this have to do with unemployment leeches (and I am referring to those who take advantage of the system, please don't send me e-mails about how your Dad got laid off last week...you know that's not the same thing...)? The costs of Heath Care are astounding. It makes me sick. We're selective about going to the doctor. I don't have $50 just laying around that I'm easily willing to part with. I make sure I'm damn good and sick before going to the doctor (UTI's don't just cure themselves). And my kid...ha! His ears need to be bleeding. Well, I'm not that heartless but needless to say, we're selective. Yet I know those "in the system" who will see their pediatrician for a hangnail. Not a second thought about it. Why? Because they don't have to worry about the cost.

If I were on Badger Care, you know what I would owe this specialist? I wouldn't owe $50. I'd owe NOTHING. People ask why we don't have another kid? Partially because it's too damn expensive! Nobody would be flipping the bill for me to push one out. We'd be mostly on our own, just like for everything else.

And now that we got kicked in the teeth again, our insurance is changing and we now are responsible for 100% of EVERYTHING until we meet our insanely high deductible. Everything. This is what we've been working so hard for all these years? To see shitty benefits get shittier?

I'm two minutes from telling him to quit his damn job. We can be gypsies. I've always wanted to travel.

Denial Ain't Just a River in Egypt

First off, I have strong admiration for Elizabeth Edwards, wife of the only booger with a $400 haircut, John Edwards (you remember him, the one who has had "conversations" with unborn children and is hugely to blame for malpractice suits run amok in this country...oh, and he tried to be VP and later President too). It takes an incredibly strong woman to battle cancer, and when given a terminal diagnosis, hold her head high.

And it takes an incredible dipshit to then cheat on his dying wife and possibly father a child from said affair.

But who am I to judge? I don't know them. I don't know what their marriage was like. I don't want to know. I don't care.

Today, Elizabeth Edwards appeared on Oprah in her first interview since the affair and paternity questions because headlining news some time ago. I'll spare you most of the details and give you the short list:

She was mad at him for having an affair (good start)

She says loving him is complicated but worth it (really?)

She doesn't know if he's the father of the "other woman's" baby and doesn't want to know (huh? If I knew my husband's been checking other women's oil with his dipstick I'd sure as hell want to know if they had a love child)

If it turned out that the child was John's it wouldn't change her life in the least.

This last point is why I'm blogging. It wouldn't change your life in the least???? Really? How is that even possible? I am willing to bet that if "the other woman" (let's call her Lola) goes public with paternity results, that would affect your life. If Lola came knocking on your door with a lawyer asking for $25,000 a month in child support that would affect your life. If your children are harassed at school for having a fungus for a father who gave them a half-brother or sister, that would affect your life. If your husband suddenly, say, got hit by a Mac 10 truck going 90 miles an hour and the courts then legally had to split your massive fortune (accumulated through frivolous malpractice suits) between 4 kids instead of just the 3 you birthed, it would affect your life.

Hold your head high and don't let this beat you. But don't be in denial.

Runner up for jaw-dropping comments... Elizabeth says that if you take this one bad thing John did out of the equation, John was a perfect husband. HUH!? I'm not Dr. Phil, but someone's gotta have questionable morals and values to cheat on his dying wife. Perfect husband and this was the one BAD thing he ever did??? As if this ONE thing isn't bad enough, you mean to tell me he deserves a badge of honor for being a perfect husband?

Final thought...

With as much money as that woman has, THIS is the best style money could buy??? Oprah, hire a new stylist. But I've gotta admit, it's nice to see that money can't buy you out of saggy facial skin and dark circles.

Let's talk Swine Flu, shall we?

So Oconomowoc has canceled classes for many of it's schools due to the Swine Flue, or the H1N1 virus as some prefer to call it. Don't want to offend the pigs, you know. The goal is to localize any swine flu that the poor High Schooler may have spread. Does this seem logical to ANYONE other than those on the board? Exactly how is this localizing it? By guaranteeing these kids? You were 16 once. Think back...If you had off of school for an entire week, did you sit home, itching your ass and catching up on reading? No. Now these kids are going to the malls and theaters, restaurants and other hangouts instead. So instead of containing the virus in the school, they are spreading it throughout the community. Keep your kids home if you wish, but that should be your decision as a parent and hopefully you'll be there to make sure they keep their butts at home. Instead, the school board made the decision for these parents and now families are scrambling trying to figure out how to deal with it. My guess is most parents aren't taking off work to enforce the quarantine...they can't. Most parents need to work to pay the bills. Therefore, over 1,000 kids are out and about. Brings a new definition to "quarantine", doesn't it?

I'm not a cold hearted bitch. I swear I'm not. I feel for those people who have died from SF complications. But let's be realistic here... most of them live in low-income, overpopulated areas in Mexico. Many kids have never even seen a vaccination for whooping cough or measles. So why should it surprise anyone that the flu ran so rampant there? Sure, it spread to bigger, more modernized areas of Mexico as it ran it's course, but fact still remains that most people who fell the most ill lacked resources to care for themselves.

Hundreds, potentially, dead in Mexico due to Swine Flu. US Deaths = One, and that's even debatable because the poor girl was a Mexican citizen and reports are surfacing that she was visiting South Texas. We're not dropping like flies here. The strain's symptoms are less than many flu bugs we see yearly. Be smart and wash your hands.... Good Hygiene wins again!

People think the health care in America is an abomination and they want socialized medicine to fix it. Mexico has socialized medicine. Hell yeah, obviously it's a much better alternative, Devil Woman Clinton.

Could the Next American Idol Be Gay?

On this "controversial" question being posed right now all over the internet, I have two things to say:

1) Is there anyone out there who actually believes Adam ISN'T gay?
2) Who EFFING cares if he is???

Not to judge a book by it's cover, but look at him. All you have to do is watch the personal segments on him before he sings and he's all but telling everyone he's gay. I cannot believe there is even a glimmer of doubt on this topic.

There are pictures circling like wildfire on the internet of Adam kissing another man. Sigh. Is this what we do with our time now? Judge a person's talent on his sexual preference? I don't mean to get all lib on everyone (and anyone who knows me knows that a liberal I am NOT) but get the hell over it. If you've got talent, that is what you should be judged on. Not whether you prefer a dessert of Twinkies or donut holes.

I will stand up on my very chair and declare myself a HUGE Adam Lambert fan. Every week I look forward to seeing what he's going to do, and only one time did I feel some let down, but not in a "you're not my favorite anymore" kind of way. More so in a "I can appreciate your talent but that was a little weird" kind of way. If you watch the show, I'm sure you know of which week I speak. He is incredibly original and immensely talented. He's entertaining as hell to watch and his voice blows everyone else out of the water. Isn't that why we watch these performers? To be entertained?

I give the highest props to the guy...he's the well-deserved front runner. I only hope that homophobes out there can give credit where credit is due and not try and sabotage this contest for him. You know....by posting stupid pictures intended to ruffle people's feathers. And make up your hypocritical minds... Some of the same sources who celebrated Ellen's wedding to Portia are painting Adam into a very strange and probably uncomfortable, judgmental corner. Apparently it's okay to be America's Lesbian Sweetheart but not America's Homosexual Idol. What, exactly, is the difference? They're both entertainers and hella-good at what they do, what they were apparently put on this very Earth to do. Is it my business, or anyone else's, what they do in their private time? Methinks not.

(oh, and for the record, loving Danny Gokey too. That whole Milwaukee pride thing, you know how it goes!)

My name is Amanda and I'm An Addict

I'm addicted to Craig's List. There, I've said it and I feel better. I check Craig's List daily. I cannot believe some of the deals we've gotten on stuff for Braeden, such as a swingset (which I just sold for what we paid for it last year), his first bike (which he rides daily when the weather is nice), and other odds and ends. I hate paying retail for children's stuff because it's just going to get beat up anyways. I'm cheap that way.

Yet every day I am floored by the CRAP people try and sell. 5 stained onesies for $2. Who in their right mind is going to drive to West Bend for 5 used onesies for $2??? Do you know what those stains are? I'll give you a hint...odds are whatever it is spent some time inside a child before it came out. To save $2? What's the gas money going to cost you? Have you heard of Walmart?

Or there are the people who sell things for a "great price" and all you have to do is an ounce of research to realize you can get it for much less and brand new elsewhere.

There's nothing wrong with trying to make some money on things you don't need anymore. However, it is incredibly deceptive to try and sell shit at exorbitant prices. And it's even more snakey to sell FREE shit for a profit.

Case in point?



These stupid taco bell dogs are selling for $10. And the seller is touting that they are new (as evidenced by them still being in the bags). These were promo dogs produced a few years ago by the company. Promo=Free. I know this because my son has one. It's obnoxious and ugly. And did I mention it was FREE?

However, I'm sure the same idiot who thought that the chicken bacon sandwich was healthy will shell out the cash for the dogs.

Yo quiero Taco Bell, my friends!

Are you a total idiot???

I am frequently amazed at how stupid some people are. Not just your run-of-the-mill stupid, such as forgetting your gym card every time you go to the gym, doing an entire International Dinner's worth of shopping and then getting to register and realizing you didn't bring your wallet, or leaving the faucet on in the plugged laundry basin for 20 minutes while your laundry and mud rooms flood and it rains in your basement. (All of the previously mentioned being my doing)

I'm talking every day, common sense stupid. Every day I log onto Yahoo, which happens to be our home page and just about every other day the featured story is a "good things to know" piece. And every other day, I get sucked into clicking the link and proceed to wonder who in the hell the people are who've gotten through every day of their sad lives without knowing the information.

Articles in the past...

How to burn 500 calories?
Yahoo Answer: Take a spinning class.
Idiot's response: "OOOHHHHH....so I need to EXERCISE to lose weight. That's news to me!"

How to be more organized?
Yahoo Answer: File paperwork.
Idiot's response - "What's a file? Where's the Yahoo article on that?"

How to save money?
Yahoo Answer: Skip the daily latte.
Idiot's response: "But it's only $4 a day. That's not going to add up to anything."


Today's informative article featured the world's worst sandwiches. Is our country really that STUPID to need a list of eatery sandwiches that are bad for our health? One of the winners: Atlanta Bread Company Turkey Bacon Rustica. Who is the schmuck who looked at the menu and thought that was a healthy alternative to other selections? Does said blockhead not know that BACON is bad for you? Does this person go to Burger King and opt for the fried chicken sandwich slathered in mayo because, well....it's chicken, and chicken is good for you?

UGH. Common sense folks, common sense.

"The Truth About Motherhood"

I used to enjoy watching Oprah. After all, I am a stay at home mom, and that's what we do, right? Sit around watching Oprah and eating bon-bons. No bon-bons for me. And ever since Oprah crawled up Obama's ass and built herself a soapbox up there, I've chosen to forgo my even most random viewings.

But the previews for yesterdays episode intrigued me so I tuned in. It was all about the ugly truth of Motherhood. The completely and totally unglamorous side that no one wants to talk about for fear of being judged or ridiculed. Sounds somewhat heavy, doesn't it? Well, it wasn't. It was downright hilarious.

I cannot tell you how many times I have begun venting about my life as a mother to someone and stopped myself mid-story or even mid-sentence. I work part time in a day care at an athletic club and deal with mothers every day who seem to have it all together. Some women with 4 or more children! I have friends who have children and always seem so put together. They appear to love every minute of being a mother and make it look so easy. And I stop myself mid-sentence because that is not me.

I doubt myself daily on my abilities as a mother. I love Braeden and wouldn't trade being a mother for the world. But is it my ENTIRE life? No. Is it easy? No. Do I enjoy every minute of it? HELL NO.

(and let me interject here that even as I type this, Braeden is choosing this as the perfect opportunity to need 100% of my attention to show me that the fabric measuring tape slides under a closed door...never a moment's peace)

I really thought that I was of some freakish rare breed, a breed of women that lacks that certain maternal mindset to morph into SuperMom. Apparently I'm not alone. Hallelujah!!! Turns out that there are scores of women out there who do what they can just to get by, just to make it through the day. The smiles on their faces are not because they love their job, but often times a front. Doesn't mean that we would rather not have children. It's just that there is so much "mom" talk out there, and with the media and internet at our fingertips, it's so much easier to stack ourselves up against others. And with all that comparison, it's simple to feel like we're failing.

I am thrilled beyond reason that I DVR'd the show as it put things into major perspective for me. I am REAL. I've always claimed to be a real mom, not some facade of what a mom should be. My kid has cried it out. He had mashed potatoes at 4 months old, before he'd even eaten Gerber vegetable purees. Sometimes he watches hours of television a day just so I can do laundry, make dinner, or heaven forbid....RELAX!!! Scooby is our best friend, our loyal (free) babysitter.... He eats chocolate. He's worn the same shirt 3 days in a row because it had Scooby on it and he wanted to wear it, despite the tomato sauce stains...

There is so much that others just didn't tell us before we became moms. A little heads-up would have been nice!!!! I love this topic so much that I think I'm going to try and do a series of blog entries about being a real mother. The ugly truth of things that every other "real" mom can identify with. Things you can stand up for and shout "I've DONE that!!!!!" (a woman spotlighted on Oprah's show started this whole real mom blog thing...great idea!) If anything, it may be therapeutic to me and others to know that we're all in the same boat. We're not perfect and we shouldn't need to feel the pressure to be. Years ago, it wasn't like this (or so I've been told). They did the best they could. Motherhood is a real bitch at times, and I love that the dialogue has begun. Time to get real, ladies!!!!

Ah, to be a weatherman...

edit: Updated forecasts are calling for the heavy rain to hit throughout the evening instead of during the day as called for before. So this post will most likely be stupid on my part. But it's still partly true...


Today we were supposed to get rain. Not just your run of the mill rain, but an ass-slapping downpour. 2-2.5 inches, to be exact. Our little section of SE Wisconsin's map was a lovely shade of spring-like purple.

What did we get????

A gentle rain that turned on and off for most of the morning and then depressing gray. Our sidewalks are already drying up. The pines are laughing.

This is par for the course though, as yesterday we were supposed to have a chance of morning showers and then clearing in the afternoon.

What did we get???

A day of steady rain. Not drizzle, but rain. Rain that pounds on your windshield so hard you can't hear the person on the other end. They can hear the rain too. That kind of rain.

It's often a topic of conversation about the weathermen's (weatherpeople, I should say....) continual inaccuracy. "If only we could all be weathermen...only get our jobs right 50% of time." Someone's ALWAYS guaranteed to say it when the subject arises (while thinking they are the first to ever utter such wit). True, but I'm not unreasonable and I took enough courses throughout my education to know that weather patterns can be unpredictable. The atmosphere is not some constant, like a book that reads the same at all times. But is it too much to ask for them to be a LITTLE right?

I guess you could argue that they WERE. They did predict rain on both days and we got that, just not in the order they reported on, incessantly, for the past 48 hours. "A Storm is A-Coming!" (okay, so I just channeled my inner Sophia)

So here's what they're forecasting for Friday... "Times of clouds and sun." WTF??? Seriously? Have they just resigned themselves to the fact that they pretty much suck and won't get it right, so they'll just make things as broad as possible? Considering the Solar System hosts a sun, and clouds are often present, this seems like a safe bet I guess. One of them is more than likely going to make an appearance.

Unless we get 12 inches of snow, which will probably happen.

My Final Word on the Bachelor

So a TVGuide.com poll resulted in 60% of respondents answering "Jason Mesnick is a bastard." The poll choice simply echoed his final choice Melissa's very own words, but still...that's a little harsh, no?

I don't agree with him dumping her on national television. That was simply despicable. Whether or not she knew it was coming, I find it inexcusable. For all the talk about how these are real people and real lives at stake, Jason sure didn't take this into consideration. He says he had to follow his heart and that's fine...I agree with that. Don't lead her on, be a man and end it. But dude, could you do it in the privacy of your own home instead of in front of millions of onlookers? That's not following your heart - that's just being an ass. Jason was the most beloved Bachelor, perhaps in the history of the show, and for most people, he managed to tarnish that image in 5 minutes. That's pretty amazing.

So Molly and he are still together and are happy...blah blah blah. Whatever is in their future, I'm glad I won't have to watch anymore.

I would NEVER play second fiddle to another woman!!!! You hear that, MOLLY!!!???

(Kind of immature but so well deserved)


Last night was the finale of Jason Mesnick's season of "The Bachelor" as well as the first of a 2 part "After the Final Rose" event. A few posts ago, I blogged about a fart named Reality Steve who spilled the beans on the show's "most dramatic" conclusion ever. I didn't really WANT to look but I hate surprises and needed to. Kind of like I NEED a necklace and handbag to go with every outfit....

I never really doubted him as he, in his own ill-performed way, seemed confident in his story. I guess he's well reputed in the reality tv world (who knew there could be such a person?) so it stands to reason, I suppose, that he wouldn't put his rep on the line and give away an ending he wasn't 100% sure of. If only we all had that kind of time to devote to a dying television art form. Oh crap, and here I'm blogging about it...

Anyways, as told, Jason walked Molly hand-in-hand toward the curb and then kicked her to it. He then lost control of himself in a fit of tears and emotion. Kind of weird, really, considering he just broke up with her because he's "completely in love with another woman" (or some other dribble like that). If I was the chosen one, I'd be like "Listen up, mother f$#%@&.... Why the hell do you care so much about letting go of her if you love me?" Nothing like making you second guess where your man's heart is to have him breakdown about not being able to make out with 2 babes anymore.

So he proposes to Melissa and she squeals like a Pomeranian, they jump in the pool with Ty, his son (well, how did YOU celebrate your engagement? With a glass of wine? How boring!) and talk about how much in love they are and how great the future is going to be.



For 6 weeks.

Then fade to "After the Final Rose" and Chris Harrison announcing what we've had shoved down our throats for the past 3 weeks... What we are about to see is potentially so shocking that they filmed on a closed set. Jason walks out, looking forlorn and beaten, and tells us the shocking news...

He doesn't love Melissa anymore. He's going to break up with her.

Now, had I not known this previously, I still would have laughed my ass off (burned a few extra calories I suppose). Who really expects these Bachelor relationships to work out? There's Trista and Ryan, of course, but they're one of like 13 seasons. That's a 7.7% success rate. Even for weathermen, that's not good...

So what's the logical thing to do? According to Jason, it's to break up with Melissa ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. WTF!? First off, WHO actually thought this was a good idea? The producers? If so, that further perpetuates the feeling Joe has that all television producers should rot in hell. Did Jason think this was a good idea? Who knows, but odds are that the contract he signed was so iron-clad and he had to do everything the hellbound producers wanted, short of sacrificing Ty to the Reality Gods.

So after he breaks it to Melissa (no pun intended) that they are over, she calls him a "bastard" and tells him "not to call or text me anymore." He tells her that he can't stop thinking about his second choice, Molly. Uh oh. I give her credit...if this was real, I don't know how she didn't pummel his ass into tomorrow. I would have. On national tv!? Really, Jason!

After she leaves the set, they bring out Molly and Chris does everything but stamp it on her damn (unusually large and shiny) forehead that Jason is going to ask for a second chance. After claiming that she was in mourning for some time but is now okay, she says she's actually dreamt that would happen and that she does actually still love him. He comes out, all slithery, and in what could be the most akward moment in RT history, says something to the effect of "I was wondering, like, if we could give it another shot."

I think my first boyfriend said that to me. We were 10.

After watching this last night, I really think the sidebar prediction Reality Steve had about this entire season being scripted may be spot on. He claims that right off the bat, Jason knew it was going to be Molly, but he had to play along with the producers' game because of the Bachelor contract. If so, Melissa was a pawn in this unfortunate series of events. Listening to the dialogue, reading the body language (knew those college courses would pay off one day!), the bad acting, all of it together spelled SCRIPTED. Damn them all for thinking we're all idiots. All 42 million of us idiots that probably tuned in last night.

But here's what stumps me most about this whole thing... Molly's reaction. She sat, looking stumped, but the more he yammered on about how he made a mistake, the more she ate it up. By the end, I swear I that I thought she was going to propose to HIM. What kind of self-appreciating woman would be OK with this? He chose another woman, claimed he was head over heels in love with her, brought her into his young son's life and spent 6 (count 'em, SIX) weeks with her before deciding, nope, this ain't happening. It isn't working out with number 1, so I'm going to give number 2 a shot.

What woman says, Hell Yeah! Let's do this! Does she realize that she's his LEFTOVERS? There isn't a girl on Earth who is okay with that, unless, she's like imbalanced or something. And her stupid grin last night may have indicted that is the case.

Tonight is Part 2 and they promise there's one more surprise in store. What? He gave Molly 3 weeks and decided that after all this, he still loves Deanna? And who could actually believe her nerve showing up last night telling him SHE wanted a second chance? What's the name of this show again? "What's for Dinner Tonight? Last Night's Meatloaf!"????

Run away Jillian...fast as you can!!!!

Anxiously awaiting tonight's pure absurdity...

The Great Hamburger Helper Debate

I post somewhat regularly (not a lot but I read it every day) on a message board filled with women who have children born in September of 2005. It's been a great resource for me since a lot of the women have older children and have already gone through all this craziness.

Currently there is a great debate going on over Hamburger Helper. Cripes, I can't even call it a debate as there is no debate taking place.... Someone asked our opinion of it and every single post, except for mine, has been scathing of the product.

Let me put this out there... We eat it. Not a lot, but we eat it. And you know what? We enjoy it. Yes, we are WELL aware of the fact that it is not healthy. There are many other choices we could make but sometimes I just want me some Strohganoff Hamburger Helper.

I ate so much HH when I was pregnant that we were afraid Braeden would be Lasagna flavored. 10 for $10 at Pick 'N Save was like winning the lottery for me. It was easy and I didn't feel like doing a whole lot, so it fit the bill.

Our house is filled with very healthy choices. I am very proud of the fact that we're raising Braeden to know the goodness of whole wheat bread, fruits and vegetables, olive oil, etc. He is a STELLAR eater. I cook with a ton of fresh ingredients and belong to many healthy eating websites where I get fantastic recipes.

Braeden is not allowed to snack on Hostess and he doesn't want to. He doesn't drink soda because he doesn't want to...he'll chose water. He told me he didn't like his sandwich one day at lunch because the bread was weird...we had a loaf of white bread left over from some visiting friends ~ He's used to whole wheat. One of his favorite snacks is carrots and RF italian dressing. Last night he forwent an Oreo (from his Dad) in favor of an apple. Did I mention he's 3????

Our diet is awesome 90% of the time. So if the other 10% is filled with things like special trips to McDonald's, pizza, or God forbid...Hamburger Helper, I'm okay with that. I'll sleep just fine at night. I'm not poisoning him. It doesn't make me less of a Mother.

I'm curious...is this an instance where the only people who post are ones who have something negative to say? They say that about reviews. Are all the HH eaters hiding for fear of being slapped with a stupid stick? Or are the Janiks some freakish rarity that enjoy box dinners from time to time? Do YOU eat it? Or do you think I should be commmitted?

Now, I have to go clean up from Braeden's lunch of a peach, broccoli and veggie pasta with tomoato sauce. Ssssshhhhhh....don't tell anyone but it was white pasta.

When I Actually WANTED him to be Interested in the Box...

I think it's a universal thing that toddlers enjoy playing with the boxes more than the actual toy itself that came in the box. Frustrating, but that's life. I think by 3 that they outgrow that. Or should...

Not mine. He loves boxes. Braeden doesn't care about toys. He has tons of them and there they all sit, in his playroom, begging to be picked up, tossed about, thrown, etc... I think Braeden figures he doesn't need toys when he has his parents. After all, he can jump and climb on us, make us laugh, chase us, follow us around, yell for us when we're on the phone, whine to us...and we still love him. Who needs toys?

So we got the new lamp we've been waiting for today. I ordered it two weeks ago from a fantastically cheap website. We already have the same lamp and it's floor counterpart, but our great room is still incredibly dim. It's two stories tall, after all.... It came in a huge box, just PERFECT for a kid with a good imagination.

If you find that kid, send him my way.

I gave Braeden crayons and tried helping his color his box. Maybe it could be a fort? Or a racecar like I made when I was a kid? Or construction equipment? A house? A bus? He didn't want to color it. He wanted to cut it. As you can imagine, safety scissors won't cut cardboard so I did it for him with a boxcutter. He wanted a window on top (while the box was on it's side) so he could pop out the top of it. Okay, sounds like fun!! A sunroof!

I do as told and then he begins climbing in. I hear "Eww!!! A 'trings' in there!" Translation, "Eww!!! I'm totally freakishly "particular" like my dad and there's a STRING in there!!!!" I look inside...it's glue they used to help keep the box shut. It's at the far end of the box. It's not hanging inside the box like the guts of a pumpkin. It's stuck to the bottom of the box and it's not coming off. It's only a few swirls.

He asks me but I explain that I am much too big to climb in the box and scrape the glue off. He attempts to climb in again with blanks (blanket) to "swat" the glue away. No go. He takes my Swiffer Duster from the cabinet and swiffers the glue and is upset that didn't work. He asks me to cut that wall off to rid the box of the deadly and vengeful glue. I explain I cannot as the box will then collapse. He wants to send Girlie in the box to lick the glue off. You have to know my answer to that. So the solution to all of this was easy...

Braeden is now watching Scooby Doo and the super cool box is going in the garage to be torn up and recycled.

Hate to See What Would Happen if He Died

The Biggest Loser is truly the only show that inspires me. Every season (for which there is no break between, I don't think) I am incredibly motivated and excited to start/keep up my fitness routine. The contestants are such inspirations!!!

But I have to admit (a teeny tiny bit) that I love Bob Harper. He is kind, generous, caring, supportive, and perhaps a bit gay...but I can't say that for sure. And I can't say "I hope not" either because even if he were straighter than that that watery path in Gibraltar, what would I do about it???

But last night's episode was just hilarious. If you saw it, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The producers, once again proving that they'd go for drama over heart any day, decided to mix things up and switch up the teams. At first I thought "hey, big deal, at least you're still training!" But then I thought about the poor pudgies (and I mean that affectionately) going from Bob's team to Jillian's. It's like going from a modern kindergarten teacher to Sister Theresa's 1952 classroom. At first you're cozy and loved and supported and then BAM....you're paddled to a bloody pulp by someone who claims they're doing it for your own good.

Tough Love from Jillian:

"Pain is not your friend, pain is just pain."

"Let's see, how can I describe the last chance workout,...Beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, .... And when we're done with that...some more beatings!!"

"I believe in blood, sweat and tears."

BUT....then I got past feeling pity for them. When the sappy music started and the contestants started whining, Sione pulled his hood over his head and crossed his arms like a big stupid baby, everyone was crying...there was a slow-motion montage of Bob working with his former teammates. And then it happened....Bob Harper lost control. He was shedding tears like I do at bartime. There were moments when he couldn't even talk he was so choked up. There was a giant (wink) group hug as they all said goodbye and then Bob encouraged them to go on with their lives and train hard.

What in the SAM HELL???????? Who the hell died? People, Bob's RIGHT ACROSS THE GYM FROM YOU!!!! He may not be training you but take your girlie panties off and remember WHY you're there....not for warm fuzzies but to lose that flab!!! I'm not saying it was easy to work with a new trainer and yes, I understand, it was emotional. They've built bonds and relationships. It was cruel on the part of the show to do that...anything for ratings. I wish we'd just stick to the point of the show...losing weight, not creating drama. But....

These people are so lucky and I absolutely love the cast this season. They all make me work harder and I think each one is so sincere in their desire to make a better life through health. They've been given a gift and talk about looking the gift horse in the mouth...

Jillian made a great point when she said this was incredibly advantageous because contestants were going to learn 2 different methods for overall health... True up, Satan's sister. You'd think they were all sent home and forced to do it the way we're all forced to do it...on our own. Wow, did they piss me off.

Sione saying he worked but didn't want to work that hard because it was Jillian training him and he didn't care as much. About what???? About your health? About losing weight? About not having your nose up Bob's ass anymore? You love Bob $250,000 worth????

I really hope that editing just made it look that ridiculous, but even editing can't make up the conversation and tears that took place. It happened. I just hope they pulled themselves together and will now learn to work as a team, a new team...

Can you even imagine if this is how we behaved at work and we got a new boss???? "But I don't want to work for you even if I learn more skills and expand my resume!!!! I don't want to be worth more money!!!! I don't want to work with my new coworkers!!!! I want my mommy!!!!" *stomps on floor, crosses arms defiantly, pouts and hunches over*

The Family Size that Satisfies.....What family!?

Pick 'N Save really irks me. I don't know who their buyers are, but they NEVER have the Oncor Salisbury Steaks that my husband and son so adore. I know, the thought makes me shudder too...pressed "meat" patties swimming in gravy that, if left out for an hour or two, completely congeals into brown sludge. Sounds tasty, doesn't it? Yeah, not to me either...

But the boys love them. Braeden, when left to his own devices, will devour three patties himself. He's three. Therefore, he now thinks the company downsized packaging (much like those cunning girl scouts) and only 4 come in a box. I've got many tricks up my sleeve.

I had a coupon and Oncor meals were on sale, so I thought I'd treat my favorite men. The thing was only going to cost me $1.49. Can't beat that!!! But, alas, the buyers at Pick 'N Save failed me again and there wasn't a pressed, grill-marked patty in sight. I wanted to use the coupon so I got the Mostaccioli with meatballs. The back of the box touts that it's so good you'll claim the authentic recipe as your own.

To that, I say....WTF????? Did you just meet your first stove and pan yesterday?

Isn't their whole ad campaign the "family size that satisfies"??? Who, exactly, is satisfied by 20 tubes of pasta and some runny sauce? I am not kidding...that was my portion. 20 goddamn tubes of overdone pasta swimming in red sauce. I'm not a meatball fan so I opted out of those. But Joe had the same amount of pasta as I did (20 tubes...not kidding here) and the meatballs. Braeden had 2 meatballs and 8 tubes, all of which he decided he didn't want to eat. And that was the entire container. Back of the box says it serves 5. 5 what? 5 midgets??? Do they realize at corporate that the portion size for each of 5 people would be roughly 9 tubes of pasta and 1-1/2 meatballs???

(Okay, fancypants...I know what you're thinking...."That's not Nutrisystem!!!" True-up my friend. But caloricly, there were actually fewer calories in my dinner than had I gone the NS route.)

I know we're hair deep in this recession here but they cannot possibly sleep at night advertising that "now more than ever" Oncor is your cheap, filling dinner solution.

But........... it did only cost $1.49, so I guess, what should I have expected for $.50 a serving????

GREED!

From Fox News:

Postmaster General Gets Pay Bonus as Agency Falters

Postmaster General John Potter's base salary climbed to $265,000 last year from $186,000 in 2007. He also received a performance bonus of $135,000. In all his total compensation -- salary, bonuses, retirement benefits and other perks -- topped $850,000, a spokesman with the U.S. Postal Service told FOXNews.com on Wednesday.


Well, at least we know why stamps are going up another 2 cents... And I guarantee this chump doesn't work nearly as hard or honestly as half the husbands I know, including mine.

$850,000!!! Meanwhile, we're on budget lock-down here. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, doesn't it?

"The Bachelor".... Most dramatic Final Rose Ceremony EVER

I'm seriously laughing my butt off right now.

If you watch the Bachelor or are even familiar with it and it's laughable premise, you are aware of the rose ceremonies and Final Rose, where the Bachelor picks the lady he wants to spend "the rest of his life with", or the one he wants to have crazy mad sex with for a week or two. Track record is similar to a plate of pasta in front of me...doesn't last real long.

After Monday's "dramatic" episode, "The Bachelor's" answer to Jeff Probst informs us there will be 2 "After the Final Rose" episodes, and something so dramatic happens that they had to have a closed set due to the sensitive nature of the situation.

Lordiness. For YEARS, Chris Harrison has been touting each and every episode of the the show to be the "most dramatic ever." Boy, meet Wolf. Wolf, meet Boy.

So now, after years and years of this rubbish, we're supposed to believe something crazy is going to happen that will blow all other finales away. Yawn.

Okay, not yawn, because as usual, I buy all this crap hook, line and sinker. I'm not saying I buy it on an emotional level, as though I actually care about these people. I buy it on the "I need to know" level.

From here on out, I will talk about spoilers but not reveal them. Not everyone is like me and wants to know beforehand!

Until a few days ago, I'd never heard of a chap named "Reality Steve." I guess he's some staple blogger who is, you guessed it, obsessed with reality tv. And he's obsessed with "The Bachelor." Hrm.....I don't even know that many women who watch the show, but there's our pal Steve, following the show and blogging nearly every day. Dude, Laura Bush called...she wants her skirt back.

On the ABC boards yesterday, there were rumors swirling about that Reality Steve had all the answers and knows exactly what is "so shocking" and "sensitive". Why Steve? How does he know? It doesn't matter, because he announced that he would be spilling the beans this morning on YouTube. All your questions will be answered in a self-videotaped message, or possibly 3 consecutive videos, because there is just so much to say.

So I went to work today and damn near counted the minutes until I could get home and watch him share what he claims he's known all along, and is only sharing because he's been concerned about the false rumors being spread on what the "sensative" situation could possibly be. I've read that Molly is pregnant. Melissa is pregnant. Stephanie is really his sister. His ex-wife makes a scene about how he exploited his child. Melissa's parents are dead. Melissa had a sex change (no, I am not kidding).

So Reality Steve, listening to his conscience, decides to put all rumors to bed and tell us what he really knows. What a guy!!!

I just finished watching the videos. I want those 20-some minutes of my life back. In that time, I could have worked out. I could have entered Uppercase Living orders. I could have cleaned my bathroom. Washed my sheets. Folded laundry. Took a shower. Dusted. Vacuumed. Slept. Anything other than watch that display of self-appreciation.

I am wordy but this man takes the cake. He took 20-some odd minutes to tell us what he could have said in no more than 3 minutes. This man obviously loves himself so much that he needed to film himself for nearly a half hour. He talks to his dog. He shifts around like crazy. He pumps himself so full of importance that you wonder why he isn't curing cancer. He makes weird faces. Uses dramatic pauses. It's all here, folks. One stop shopping.

He even goes on to discuss conspiracy theories that even those who think our own government flew the planes into the Twin Towers would be proud of. Who knew tv producers had so much power!

THIS is why we have YouTube. To have people create their own stardom.

Does he have the answers? Did he really know what he was talking about? Well, only time will tell I suppose as the finale is still a week away, and the second After the Final rose is nearly two weeks away. But at least I can sleep tonight knowing what Reality Steve thinks is going to happen...

Is it shocking? Not really. Not if you've seen ANY episode of the past seasons of the Bachelor.