Spoiled, spoiled baby...

As you can probably tell seeing that my last blog entry was July 21st, I haven't had much time to blog lately. Not that I haven't had anything to say...there's always tons I could write about. Time is just getting away from me. Truth be told, I miss blogging. It gives me an outlet for my thoughts that my husband just doesn't want to hear about.

If anything will prompt me to sign on, I wish it wasn't that Brett Favre is a big, whiny, spoiled brat. Unfortunately, this is the case. Today we found out that only about 3 weeks after deciding to stay retired (again), he has instead decided to fuck us Packer fans up the ass and sign with Minnesota. I mean really, what is he accomplishing by doing so? Tarnishing his image? Check. Screwing us fans? Check. Making himself look like an asshole? Check. Wanting me to put every single piece of Favre memorabilia Joe owns on Craig's List so I can buy some new handbags? Check check check.

I married a very stubborn man and he will attest, until the day he dies, that the Packers screwed Favre. Never mind the fact that they are a BUSINESS. Favre's wishy, washy ways backed them into a corner. How long can they wait around for the prima donna to decide if he wants to play or retire (Joe: "Until he's damn good and ready.)? Yes, his track record with the team was stellar, in most respects, and it was a great partnership. But let's get real here...Favre was not the Packers. They are a team. And until he buys a team, he doesn't hold the right to call the shots. Agree or disagree with how shit went down, this fact cannot be disputed. (Joe: "Yes it can.")

Our marriage is solid and we find common ground on a lot of things by talking through them (Joe: "Yes Dear.") This is one thing we cannot get past. I think Favre has become a self-absorbed media whore. Joe thinks he is a victim. Call me nuts, but if I lived years in the spotlight and was loved and adored by fans worldwide, respected by coaches and other players nationwide, I'd retire, no matter what the circumstances are and relish in that glory. I'd buy a condo in Jamaica (on a all-inclusive resort of course) and sip on tropical drinks all day long. I would not do everything in my power to erase those warm fuzzies and screw the very people who elevated me to super-hero status. Way to screw us all, Favre (Joe: "He's not doing it to screw the fans. He's just bitter." Yes, that makes it better...).

Sigh. You look shitty in purple anyways.

There's a Sucker Born Every Minute

And unfortunately, I am now one of them...

I pride myself on being a cynic. This way, I avoid falling victim to scam and thus ridicule. Trust me, my friends and family can be brutal. I approach things in a very logical way, for the most part, and research and analyze until it drives even the most patient saint nuts. This is not to say I am not spontaneous, because I am very much so, just not where my money is concerned. Often times it can be pretty damn difficult to pry a buck out of my hands. The other day I made a comment about money and Braeden responded "Mr. Krabs likes money." Smart boy, as green is one of his favorite things. This is a bit unnerving to realize how much I have in common with a talking crab with whale for a daughter.

At any rate, here's the point to my story...



I love that stupid lift in the crown of women's hair. I've been a fan for a long time and it's funny that it only recently has become a nationwide obsession. Nobody has flat hair, they all have that pouf in the back. I have a LOT of hair so up until now, I've been pretty lucky with being able to just give it a little tease should the mood strike me and on my way I go. I've also pulled up the sides (now that it's long enough again) and used them as anchors to pull the middle hair up. Works pretty well if I do say so myself. However, I always felt there just had to be another way... And to think some people spend their days worrying about finding a job. How shallow I've become.




Well I'd be a bird with no leg (thank you, Wes) if I didn't recently see a commercial for Bumpits, plastic inserts concealed in the crown of your hair to give you that most desirable look. Of course, why didn't I think of that! I'd be a millionaire! Of course, I never patented my stupid idea way back when to cut off the feet of my nylons either, and look where that's gotten me. (Reality check Amanda...I don't think it counts as an idea when you think of it while you're wasted at sorority formal and are sick of just getting holes in the bottoms of your nyloned foot...hardly the purpose of Spanks).



Back on point...as with everything that costs me money, I researched. Google is my best friend. I read all the reviews and was quite saddened to see that most people were very let down by said plastic. I read that you can see the combs, they don't stay in place, the arch is visible, there is a bad "dropoff"....etc, etc, etc. So I shelved the idea, both because of the reviews and because I make it a practice to never order anything from TV. My Father in Law only reinforced that with his recent purchase of the GT Xpress.

Yesterday it resurfaced. While lying sick in bed with some ridiculous virus that took both my voice and my breath, a bumpits commercial came on. Again, my hopes soared. Until I saw the price, plus shipping and handling. Crazy, I say....crazy!!! Yet once again I found myself on the net researching them...perhaps in the last month or two they've changed the product, or someone's uncovered a secret to using them????

And then I saw it...someone posted they got them at Sally Beauty Supply (cue ad on right). At 9 am this morning I was calling my local store and by 11 am, I was in the door picking up the last blonde one they had in stock. The checker explained I can return them if they don't work out, which was music to my ears, because even those the $9.49 price tag is over half what they wanted on tv, $10 is still $10 and I don't want to spend $10 on crap. I save that money for a pack of smokes when I hit the bar. See the logic????

When we got home, I set Braeden up with some colored pencils and Spongebob and eagerly went to work. I could feel my heart racing in anticipation. I read the directions. Followed them precisely. Here's what I am hoping to acheive. My hair is a bit longer now but this is just cool:



Take 1: OOOHHHH!!!! Look at that height!!!! But shit, you can see the teeth on the combs. Easily.

Take 2. Tease more. Insert. You can see the insert. It's shiny.

Take 3: Tease more. Hairspray more. I guess this is like primer? Insert. Comb teeth. Why does my hair feel thin? I have enough freaking hair to cover this gadget.

Take 4: Flip upside down and tease and spray. Obviously this volumizing device needs volume to work. I look like Bride of Frankenstein. You can see the combs.

Take 5: Pull more hair forward so I have more hair to cover the crescent. Tease. Insert device. It now sits too far back on my head and looks like I have a strange tumor. And you can still see the combs.

Take 6: Flip upside down and tease furiously again. Blood rushes to my face. Flip up and ugly blue vein is protruding from my forehead. Insert and tossle hair with fingers while spraying hairspray. Separate hairspray-doused strands of hair with comb. Bump stupid Bumpit with comb and knock it out of place. I now have lift on the right side of my head. You can see the combs.

Take 7 - 10: Guess.

Take 11: Take stretchy headband and insert in hair, fluffing back of head with fingers, no device. Nice volume in back, decent lift in the crown.

Fuckers.

Guess I'll be going back to Sally soon to return these "As seen on TV" pieces of plastic. What a fool I am.... :(

"That Bird Has No Leg"

"That Bird Has No Leg"
And this shall furthermore be known as the primo diss.

On "The Bachelorette" we've been subjected to Wes' ride from super hottie to super scumbag. Unfortunately for Jillian, our fine Bachelorette, she was oblivious to his increasingly turd-like ways. And I shouldn't even use the word "unfortunately" because progressive episodes showed her being clued into the fact (clued in = being told point blank by several bachelors) that Wes has a girlfriend at home and that he's just on the show for publicity for his new record. She chose to ignore them and gave him a rose anyways because he's A) Hot and B) They have chemistry. I'm sure he's mastered the chemistry part already with that lady at home...

I'm finally catching up on the season and on the episode I watched last night, she gave him the long-awaited boot to the ass. This was after she noticed his emotional and physical distance. I've got news for Jillian... the beginning of the relationship is the good part. Not that things go downhill, but if you're meant to be with someone, there will never be those awkward silent moments. You should be jumping each other like dogs. I'm just sayin'....

Wes is now claiming he was the victim of bad editing. Let's look at this...I mean really look at it. Producers and editors, as evil as they may be in order to make a buck cannot make things come out of your mouth such as:

(Paraphrasing, but you'll get the drift)

"I'm the one going and I'll be home having lots of sex." (to one of the other contenders, mind you)

"I already got what I came here for...I've been on the show for 6 episodes and got all the publicity I needed for my upcoming album."

"I'm just here to promote my new album." (we saw your band on the show dude....seriously, I wouldn't quit your day job any time soon)

"I'm the first dude who's made it all the way to the final four with a girlfriend."

"My acting days are over."

Really, who does this guy think he is??? These words could not be taken out of context. You are not being portrayed as an asshole. You are an asshole. Good luck with that record dude. You just pissed off half the female population. Exactly HOW did you think behaving like this would get you further in your career???

But my favorite quote had to come from their awkward, distant date. Jillian asks Wes if he'd consider moving if she picked him in the end. After he responds that most important is "numero uno" (not shitting you), he spills his beer and points and observes "That bird has no leg".

Exactly the words every woman waits to hear.

(and for the record, I am in love with Reid. Not a little, but a lot. Unfortunately, he has that whole neurotic thing going on. It may be cute now but trust me, neurotic tendencies can get really trying really fast.... I love Kiptyn too but his mom scares the bejeezes out of me)

Searching for a Trip Down Memory Lane...

One might think I've been in mourning since MJ passed away 2-1/2 weeks ago because I haven't blogged since. Rest assured, I was not that rabid of a fan. Okay, maybe a little, but certainly not enough to overshadow my entire life. We've just been busy. There are many things I could have blogged about, but nobody wants to read about how we got drunk on Fourth of July due to one to many "Wayners." I'm a little more random here than that.

So today, who the hell knows WHY, I was thinking about McDonalds. Not today's McDonald's, but old school Mickey D's. I don't know why, it was just one of those freak things that worms it's way into my head. Maybe it's because we eat there entirely too often. It's not even a treat anymore for Braeden, who asked to go to Subway instead the other day. Don't get me wrong, my child is not fed a diet of chicken mcnuggets and french fries on a daily basis. Look at the kid, he's a twig. But life is busy and sometimes on the run, I have no qualms about stopping. He eats apples there too, but not in place of his beloved french fries. He's not a freak. But when I was a kid, going to McDonalds was a special occasion.

Anyhoo, I plopped my lazy ass in front of the computer and Googled vintage/old school McDonalds (cue banner ad on right). What I was really looking for was old packaging. I know, you're thinking WHY? Again, I don't know. But you know how sometimes when you see something as simple as an old advertisement or tv show or something it takes you back and you get that warm and fuzzy feeling all over? I wanted my fuzzies to come from that old brown chicken mcnugget packaging. Me=Dork.

That's what I was looking for. Instead, what I found was a slew of old McDonalds commercials. Have you seen the really old ones? I never have. I didn't realize that Ronald McDonald started out as a creepy clown (well, I guess some things never change) who wore food on his head and a cup on his nose. You didn't either. Don't pretend you did.

THIS..


STARTED AS THIS:


Fascinated by the pictures, I then watched some old ads on You Tube. I'm telling you right now, if you're looking for a good time, not much can beat old television commercials. But this takes the cake:

Watch the Video From Hell Here

No really, you need to watch the video...

Four thoughts come to mind when watching this train wreck...

1. Mom says not to talk to strangers but apparently she forgot to mention not eating food that falls from the sky or comes from the general crotch area of a creepy clown. "I'm not a stranger, I'm Ronald McDonald!" Uh-oh, this can't end well.

2. Why is the kid trying so hard to grab Ronnie's ass at the end of the advert?

3. Why on EARTH did someone think that the food Ronald has on his magic tray would appeal to ANYONE? Look at those "french fries"! Seriously, WTF are those???

4. And finally...Ronald looks like a goddamn pervert! And the kid walks away with him in the end! Who thought that this would make a good face for McDonalds? No Mother I know would be okay with their children being within 10 feet of this lunatic. Except, I suppose, the ones that sent their children to Neverland Ranch. (Ooops, it's not nice to speak ill of the dead...but really...).

When reading some comments posted after the ad, it seems I am not alone in my own subliminal world....

I'm supremely creeped out. And think, all I wanted was warm fuzzies. Instead, I won't sleep tonight...

The Day the Music Died

The world lost a legend yesterday.

You cannot turn on the television or radio right now without hearing all about the tragic loss of one of music's most incredible icons, Michael Jackson. When news of Farrah Fawcett's death hit yesterday, I asked Joe who he thought the third would be...you know, these things always come in threes. First was Ed McMahon, then Farrah....who would be next? Joe said Patrick Swayze. I almost slapped him. I'm not the President of Johnny Castle's fan club or anything, but I admire the guy and his determination. Never, ever in my wildest dreams that it would be Michael Jackson.

To children of the 80's, he WAS music. If I sat and tried to recount all of my memories involving MJ, this blog entry would go on forever. I can honestly say that he was the first artist that propelled me from listener to fan....and a damn near rabid fan at that. I had the shirts, buttons, tapes, VHS recordings of his videos...hell, at one time, I even had a red leather jacket. Although it didn't look anything like the article he made famous, in my mind, it was perfect. I knew all the lyrics of Thriller and BAD by heart (and now my favorite MJ CD is "Off the Wall"....It was years before I could recognize how amazing and groundbreaking that CD really is). I thought I was going to marry him. I mean, look at that completely natural, unaltered face...the man was sexy as hell...



(I know plenty would argue, but I thought he was gorgeous)

One of my earliest memories involving MJ was in our home in Arizona, circa 1985.... "We are the World" was released and I remember dancing around our unusually large great room with the song blasting from our file-cabinet sized speakers. I pretended I was Cyndi Lauper, because who DIDN'T want to be her at the time? But I was wearing my Michael t-shirt and when the song was over, I couldn't figure out how to switch the tape to play "Thriller." Goes to show you how different things are nowadays... my son can easily switch his own DVD's. Psh.

Ask any of my friends what the logical progression of any evening with me and cocktails involves....

1) Amanda drinks
2) Amanda's volume goes up
3) Amanda cries about thinking she's a terrible mom because she's cocktailing
4) Amanda plays Michael Jackson CDs

The chain of events is inevitable. Despite the headlines that overshadowed his music starting with the face lightening, child molestation allegations, and oddity after oddity, I was still a fan. There are very few artists that I can put aside their personal lives or beliefs for to just enjoy the music (Springsteen, I'm pointing at you...and Cake, you're on thin ice). My enthusiasm for the man never faltered. I doubt it ever will.

So as I sit and watch the stream of endless videos (they so far went beyond videos...they were events) on MTV today, I'm not ashamed to admit I get a little teary eyed now and then. He was the mark of a generation and his impact was global. It's a shame that so many will only remember the quirky, damn near scary Michael Jackson. Future generations will never know how he made us feel, the excitement, the energy because it was something you had to experience first hand. But to those of us who were there, who lived it and grew up with Billy Jean, yesterday was a sad day. It was our Beatles passing. Our Elvis.

It was the day OUR music died.

RIP Michael.

A Mom's Main Duty

I just asked Braeden what he thought my main job as a mom was.

His response: "To make sure I don't get out of my bed."

Strange thing is that I thought I had many more important duties than that??? I mean, in his three year old mind, that probably does seem like what I spend a lot of mom hours doing (see post below on bedtime excuses). But there are many other, what I what consider, MAIN parts of my job as a mom. After all, I have to:

-Make sure he is warm, fed and safe on a daily basis
-Make sure he has clean clothes and underwear
-Cuddle him when he is sick
-Cuddle him when he is not
-Enrich him with exciting activities so his mind will grow
-Make sure he is secure so he feels free to explore the world around him
-Make him laugh
-Listen to him endlessly talk about tractors and diggers
-Remind him to pull the grundy out from his crack when he has his bathing suit on
-Tell him his shorts are on backwards
-Take him to the Power Center to get new "Simpidy" (Simplicity) pamphlets when he wears his down to the fibers
-Get the bugs out of the pool so he can play in it for 3 minutes until he decides to mow the lawn
-Pick the boogers out of his nose with my pinky nail
-Make sure his Cub Cadet power wheels riding mower is plugged in every night so it's charged every morning
-Give him time outs, sometimes upwards of 10 times a day....for the same thing
-Remind him that "poopy" is potty talk and not to be discussed in the presence of others
-Make him pot pie for lunch, at his request, only for him to eat the crust on certain occasions
-Make him 8 fish sticks and listen to him beg for more as though he had the stomach of a 20 year old
-Pretend to spray for bugs outside
-Search high and low for the tractor he got from the Dells last year so he can sleep with it
-Scrub the toilets often as sometimes, aiming just isn't fun
-Stiffle laughter as he throws himself onto the floor in fits because I won't turn on the oven and make him pot pie when it's 107 degrees outside (and because it may be the one out of 7 times he only eats the crust)
-Teach him that peeing on the patio is not appropriate, especially when we have guests
-Feed him string cheese without strings, because apparently strings are evil
-Remind him that it's probably not a great idea to tell everyone he meets that Daddy is funny because Daddy farts all the time...


I consider all of these very important Motherly duties. I suppose that making sure he doesn't come out of his bed 10 times an evening before finally going to sleep is important as well. It's just funny that that is the one thing he remembers... ;)




(and no, this is not said bed...I just thought the picture was cute)

TLC Grows Some Balls

Thank you TLC for announcing that "Jon and Kate Plus 8" is going on hiatus. It's nice to see that someone is looking out for those children.

Too bad the decision came from the network and not the parents. Makes you wonder who really has the kids best interest at heart, doesn't it?

Jon and Kate Plus the Hate

Am I the only person who hasn't watched this trainwreck unfold? It seems everyone I know watches this show. Because I am curious by nature, I had to tune in last night to see what the "Big Announcement" was. I was hoping it was that Kate was going to do something different with her hair. It really is quite distracting. Instead, it was the news that they are separating. Boo Effing Hoo. Big surprise.

I am sickened by these two. Although I have never seen the "happier times" that I've heard were filmed early on in the series, what I saw last night was enough to tell me that Kate is a self-absorbed shrew. She sat there and went on and on about how everything she does she does for the children and they mean so much to her. Speaking Mother to Mother, you do not parade your children in front of the world while your marriage is unfolding and claim you are doing it for the children. Divorce is a private matter and at the first sign things were unraveling, a responsible parent would have pulled out of the show. Contractual obligations broken, pay the penalties out of the fortune you've made off the show. Your family and children's well being is worth it. Give up the free trips, spa makeovers, wardrobe and lavish home.

They both claim they're pressing on with the show to provide for the kids. Are they so jaded they don't even realize that parents raise children all the time and provide with an actual JOB? That kids are perfectly happy being middle class, forgoing the stupid crooked houses and visits from American Choppers as long as they feel loved and secure?

Your job as a parent is to raise well adjusted kids who will grow on to be competent, contributing adults. Divorce is never easy, but doing it in the public eye when you're just trying to find your place in the world is potentially devastating. Why would you want to document their heartache for all to see? Are they so beyond rationality that they cannot see that? These children are going to need extra love and support, and complete and utter focus from their separating parents. NOT to have a film crew follow each tear. Does anyone really want to watch an episode where the kids place self blame and ask Kate "What did we do to make you not love each other anymore?" You're sick twisted if you do.

Shame on TLC and shame on the Gosselin parents.

These two need to take the high road and act on their words...put those kids first. Take things behind closed doors and give them a chance. Until you do so, do not expect anyone to believe your children are the most important things in the world to you.



In it for the kids or in it for bad hair?

Nature's Sick and Twisted Sense of Humor

What would you think if you came home after a nice, relaxing summertime weekend and saw THIS in one of your mulch beds???




If you're anything like me, you'd think a deer wandered into your yard and puked up half his stomach. I thought I was going add to the pile of what appeared to be vomit with some of my own.

Because my on-call horticulturist (wink) was on her own sun-soaking vaca, I decided to do a little bit of research myself. Apparently I am not alone in thinking that this foaming mass was vomit. It's called slime mold, but commonly referred to as "dog vomit fungus." Funny thing is that it is not a fungus at all, although that does little to make me feel better.

Wikipedia tells me this:

Life cycle

They begin life as amoeba-like cells. These unicellular amoebae are commonly haploid and multiply if they encounter their favorite food, bacteria. These amoebae can mate if they encounter the correct mating type and form zygotes which then grow into plasmodia. These contain many nuclei without cell membranes between them, which can grow to be meters in size. One variety is often seen as a slimy yellow network in and on rotting logs. The amoebae and the plasmodia engulf microorganisms. The plasmodium grows into an interconnected network of protoplasmic strands.[4]

Within each protoplasmic strand the cytoplasmic contents rapidly stream. If one strand is carefully watched for about 50 seconds the cytoplasm can be seen to slow, stop, and then reverse direction. The streaming protoplasm within a plasmodial strand can reach speeds of up to 1.35 mm per second which is the fastest rate recorded for any organism.[5] Migration of the plasmodium is accomplished when more protoplasm streams to advancing areas and protoplasm is withdrawn from rear areas. When the food supply wanes, the plasmodium will migrate to the surface of its substrate and transform into rigid fruiting bodies. The fruiting bodies or sporangia are what we commonly see, they superficially look like fungi or molds but are not related to the true fungi. These sporangia will then release spores which hatch into amoebae to begin the life cycle again.[4]

Now I really wish I paid attention in biology instead of just copying my ex-boyfriend's notes.

That's right, that mass actually fucking moves. Excuse my language, but I am at a loss on what else to say when I find out that I have nomadic mold growing in the mulch beds I've worked rather hard at maintaining this year. Apparently, when it's done migrating and eating, it bleeds to death. Well, not actually, but it oozes red blood like material that is a sign that the mass is breaking down. We can't even move the bitches until they're all dried and shriveled up or else they'll spray spores all over hell and multiply.

I'm told this is all very normal and happens all the time. Again, doesn't make me feel a whole lot better.

Best part about all this...there isn't a damn thing at all we did to cause this and there isn't a damn thing at all we can do to prevent it in the future. We are up to 5 masses now.

My son thinks it's cool. I think Nature is sick and effing twisted.


Slime mold in it's early stages...you know, the stage where it MOVES


(note these are not pictures from my yard...only ones I found on the net. Either way, it's repulsive)

Summer, Summer, Summertime...Time to Sit Back and Unwind

We are officially selling our house, buying something cheaper and also buying our dream cabin up in the Wisconsin Dells.

Well, not really. But in a few years, I will be happy to say goodbye to my house in favor of a more laid back lifestyle. One that can include many more weekends like this past one.

We had the pleasure of spending the weekend at my sister and brother in law's family cabin in Montello, WI. It was exactly what a good summer weekend is made of...good food, beautiful lake, pontooning, kid's laughter, sun, campfire, and beer. Too much of the latter but that will not be the topic of my first blog entry in nearly two weeks. Those who know us well know that we do not need to state the most obvious.

In fact, there isn't much to post about. We laughed a ton and everyone was so happy. It's been a while again since we've all been together (all siblings and Dad, minus the youngest sister) and it was great to catch up. Braeden had a great time with his cousins and I'm sure he'll remember the weekend for the rest of his life. In fact, we actually saw some bravery in him as after nearly a half hour of coaxing by EVERYONE, he finally got in the lake. Then we couldn't get him out! I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face as he was out there being "one of the boys." It's the stuff kids live for.

I think the weekend is best summed up by photos...
















I am looking forward to many more summertime memories!!!

The Face of Fear

Have you ever spent $40 and gotten almost nothing out of the deal? In this economy, that doesn't sit too well with me but when you're on vacation, anything goes. Money goes like a nice big bottle of water after a spinning class. You've just got to suck it up and realize that vacation's gonna cost you. A lot.

This past weekend we had the pleasure of traveling to the Wisconsin Dells with our good friends and their son. The two boys are close in age so it was a lot of fun to watch them run around, being crazy... They had a blast. Well, at least the other boy did. Ours, we realized, is a big wimp. And I mean that with all the love in the world. Maybe I shouldn't call him a wimp, that sounds so awful for a mom to say. We'll call him thrill-seeking challenged.

Because we live and traveled in Wisconsin during June, the weather was a crapshoot. We got the crap. At one point, it was 49 degrees. Nobody packed enough warm weather clothes as we were trying to be optimistic. Know what optimism gets you? Nips that could cut glass. Screw optimism.

Anyways, because Mother Nature decided to take a dump on us, we had to spend most of our vacation indoors. I guess the Dells is the place to have that happen as there is so much to do indoors, including indoor waterparks. We partook in those and it helped ease some of the vacation blues. But indoor waterparks include a lot of indoor waterslides. Have I mentioned that my son is "thrill-seeking challenged"? Waterslides are grouped into that category of fun things my child will not do.

To his credit, he did go down one of the giant waterslides with me. It took 20 minutes on the top deck to convince him to do it (thank God the lifeguard was patient and there was nobody else around wanting to go down) but he did it. He didn't really enjoy it. But he did it. Then we decided to take it easy and go on the lazy river. Joe sent both of us ass over head into the water when he tried getting on the raft with us. So set the tone for Braeden's braveness.

Saturday we went to Knuckleheads (look for the banner on the right side of blog, I'm sure), an indoor amusement park. It was great. The facility was perfect and there was so much to do. We bought Braeden the Kiddie Pass as he loves going to fairs and such with the stupid little motorcycles and trains. There were several of those types of rides so we thought we hit a gold mine. All the kid wanted to do when we got inside was ride the roller coaster. We were surprised but went with it. You have to jump on the opportunity when it presents itself.

I bet you can guess what happened. He freaked. The entire time. He screamed and cried. Joe rode with him and this is where I wonder what the hell kind of sadistic mother I am. I laughed. Not a little chuckle...I laughed my ass off. I know, it's sad. He was TERRIFIED. I should have been feeling a different emotion but it was so stinking funny. The look on his face. The look on Joe's face. I felt terrible for him but I couldn't help it.

And now I present you with the face that had me buckled over:



Come on, that's funny stuff...





I know, I'm terrible. It's my job as a Mother to make sure my child feels safe and secure. But I had to find some humor in the fact that the other little boy with us went on everything. Rides that I wouldn't think most 5 year olds would ride. He's a daredevil and therefore, his parents had a great time. After the coaster, my kid wouldn't even go on the kiddie planes that just go slowly in a circle. $40 down the drain. Forgive me if I have to find some humor in the situation... ;)

Banner Ad...Again...

Today's banner ad on my blog:

Signs of a Cheating Wife.
Spy software will find the truth. 5-Star Software. Free Trial Offer!

WTF.

Bedtime Excuses Galore

The crib is a beautiful invention. Not only does it keep the little ones safe and sound, it also provides parents with a little extra sanity. Braeden loved his crib. He looked forward to going to bed every night, every naptime... Of course, he had his beloved nuk as well. It never came out of the crib. Call it bribery or whatever you'd like, but that kid sucked on that piece of plastic for 3-1/2 years and we never fretted about it. He would just cuddle up in his crib and drift away...never called for us, never tried climbing out of it...no acrobatics here. NIghtime was so peaceful...Joe and I could sit down with a cocktail, play a game of Yahtzee or cribbage, read a book, etc, etc, etc.

When he turned 3-1/2, we figured we'd pushed the crib envelope as far as we could. He's not a baby anymore. It was time to convert the lifetime crib into a toddler bed. Braeden was thrilled.

Thrilled because he could get out of bed by himself.

Gone were the days of him sleeping until past 8 am. Now we're graced with his presence at 6:15 am. I am not a morning person. This does not work for me. But I can deal with it as we have DVR in our room. Scooby is my hero for I can get a few minutes of extra sleep.

What I cannot deal with is the cornucopia of bedtime excuses. This has only been exacerbated by the recent transition into his double bed. This only happened because the kid is so freaking tall he was almost too long for his toddler bed.

Here is an abbreviated list of Braeden Wayne's bedtime excuses:

- "I'm thirsty"
- "I have to go poopy." Does one pellet count?
- "I can't see my tractor." Yes, because it's bedtime and the lights go out.
- "My aquarium isn't working." Because you shut it off...you know how to turn it off but always miraculously "forget" how to turn it on, even though it's the same button.
- "By the way..." Finish statement with anything under the sun
- "I forgot to feed Girlie." The cat is fat, she'll live....and you don't feed her every day anyways.
-"We forgot to read a book." No we didn't; we read 3.
-"Papa has to take a time out because he forgot to wash his hands before dinner." Um....2 months ago.
-"My owie hurts." You know, the one you got two weeks ago. It suddenly hurts again.
-"I'm thirsty." Again.
-"I don't want this digger in my bed." Walk in to see that you pulled every single digger of his dresser and now decide you don't want them all there...all 14 of them.
-"Someone's mowing." At 9 pm in the dark? No they're not, Braeden.
-"Is Alex here?" Unless they came 4 days early and took a late night car ride, NO, he is not.
-"My _______ hurts." Fill in the blank.
-"Mommy and Daddy, you're uhposed to go to sweep." We can't because you won't leave us alone.

And the best of all....Drumroll please....

- "I need my whoopie cushion." Despite the fact I haven't seen it for 4.5 months; why does one need a whoopie cushion in bed???

There you have it, the short list.

Would it be wrong to put that crib back together again???

Banner Ad Irony

For your reading pleasure, I added the banner ads to the righthand side of this blog. Why would I, always so considerate, torture you with these calls to buy shit you don't need or want, or never knew existed? Because I can make money, of course. I've made a whole 3 cents so far. Jump back brothas and sistas...it's all mine. I ain't sharing my vast fortune.

Today, these 2 spectacular trashy ads appear:

Catch Cheating Husbands
Record Emails, IMs & Chat Messages. Easy to Use. "Free Trial!"

Unsatisfied Married Women
These Women are Dying for a Real Man to Satisfy their Needs

WTF!? At first, I was highly offended. I know nothing I've written about my dearest husband would lead the online search engines to assume that I am an unfaithful whore, or that he is a cheating pig.

And then I realized I have yet one more reason to despise John Edwards. I posted about his infidelity and now my fine blog is tarnished with ads equivalent to late night 900 numbers.

Edwards, sleep with one eye open. I may trim your hair while sleeping. And I don't even possess a beautician's license.

Birthday Sex

No, not us... stop thinking about that. I don't want my sex life in your head.

"Birthday Sex" is a song I just heard on XM. That's actually the title. It's about...birthday sex. I can't make this stuff up. Someone actually wrote a song about copulation on the observance of you being pushed out of the womb in a big, bloody mess. Apparently a song about birthday cake wouldn't pack the same punch.

I, for one, am much more partial to receiving dick in a box. Natch. ;)

Reminder to Self Re: The Dells

Enclosed is an e-mail I sent out last year to all my peeps regarding our second family trip to the Dells. I had to forward it to someone today and I thought it may be appropriate for my blog, seeing as we are headed there once again in a week and a half....


Things I learned in the Dells this weekend
Sunday, August 24, 2008 9:47 PM


Hello my friends,

Here are some things I learned in the Dells this weekend:

1. Never get the fish fry at Moosejaw.
2. Marley's Taste of the Caribbean, despite what they say, is not a family environment after 8:30 pm. However, if you're looking for a passed out drunk guy with groups of people taking his picture, it's your joint.
3. Give your husband plenty of time to look at the menu. This way, he won't make a rash decision and order something with lobster in it that has no price listed next to it. $40 for mac and cheese with a lobster tail thrown on top? Are you f'ing kidding me???
4. Never go miniature golfing with your child when he is purposely holding his poop.
5. 3 licks of a popsicle on the resort will set you back $3 (Yes, $3 for frozen sugar water). Because after they whine for one for a half hour, their mouths must be too tired to eat it. At this point, I could have poured tequila on it and called it a Margarita. And then, by Dells standards, it would be a cheap drink.
6. Swimming makes kids have to pee. A lot. And the Polynesian Resort is somehow clairvoyant in the fact he's just barely potty trained, so they made sure to put our room the furthest distance from the pool they could. And no, there were no public restrooms closer.
7. Go ahead, look for coupons. Look far and wide, because there are plenty to be had. But you know damn well that the place you are going to will not offer coupons. At least, until after you go there, pay full price, and then LATER look on the back of the hotel map. Well, I'll be dipped in shit, I never thought to look there for coupons to Storybook Gardens.
8. And while you're at it, pay full price for Storybook Gardens to which your child, sweet and darling as he is, doesn't give a damn about the Storybook characters. The ONLY thing he wants to do is take a family ride on the Storybook Gardens 5-minute train ride where the seats are so small your knees are shoved up your nostrils.
9. Never, ever make your husband go to the Outlet mall on your way out of town if he's tired. It's just not fun then, because then he just makes faces as he pushes your WAY TOO BIG child around in the red beetle-bug shaped car stroller that he had to ride in. For 2 seconds.

Believe it or not, we did have a great time but a weekend sure can present it's challenges!!! Keep these things in mind though...I warned you!

Amanda

UGH!!!

Hi, have you met me? I like to eat when I'm stressed out. In fact, I'm sitting here eating 4 slices of bacon right now. If I weren't low-carbing, I'm pretty sure it would be a bowl of pasta. And a cigarette. Not that they're high in carbs, it's just that I don't have a drink in hand at the moment.

I have grown to be very, very pissed off about certain things. Having a "victim" mentality has never been my style but things have just gotten so fucked up with this damn recession. And the root of all my frustrations is Joe's job. While I will keep "shop talk" to a minimum (good internet etiquette....never know who's reading, ya know!), I will say that his twins get a good kicking on a daily basis. You'd think, in this economy, that employers would work to hold on to those who have proven themselves to BRING IN MONEY, and lots of it. Trim the fat but keep the filet. Not to reduce Joe to a choice cut of meat, but there is no better metaphor. Instead, he continues to see his "benefits" widdle away while they hire additional employees...

So why am I so pissed off? Long ago, in a land not so far away, it was common to work for your coveted benefits. Work hard and earn a salary. Work hard and receive paid time off. Work hard and get good health insurance to vastly aid in paying medical bills.

Fast forward to present day... You are almost better off sitting on your fat, fucking lazy ass...screw working! Then you collect assistance, food stamps, and BADGER CARE!!! Of course, the list of unemployment bennies goes further, but these are the big 3.

Never mind the fact that many people on assistance eat better than I do. Why go to Aldi when you can get brand name LIPTON and not worry about it being more expensive? You needn't count your pennies when it comes to feeding your family!

Never mind the fact that hard working people get up every day and go to work, living for the weekend or those big 2-week paid vacations a year? You know, when they get paid but don't have to go to work? If you're lazy and take advantage of the state, you're living the dream on a daily basis! Every day is a vacation day!!!

Never mind those things. What's really chapping my ass today is the fact that we got a bill in the mail from the Health Care provider stating we need to pay an additional $20 in copay monies as the $30 we already shelled out wasn't enough...the doctor is billing as a specialist. FOR WHAT!? So the nurse practitioner (that's right...didn't even get to see this SPECIALIST I'm apparently going to have to pay for) could agree that yes, the wanna pull the toilet paper holder off the wall burning sensation I was experiencing was in fact a urinary tract infection? No shit, sherlock. I don't need a specialist to tell me that!

What on Earth does this have to do with unemployment leeches (and I am referring to those who take advantage of the system, please don't send me e-mails about how your Dad got laid off last week...you know that's not the same thing...)? The costs of Heath Care are astounding. It makes me sick. We're selective about going to the doctor. I don't have $50 just laying around that I'm easily willing to part with. I make sure I'm damn good and sick before going to the doctor (UTI's don't just cure themselves). And my kid...ha! His ears need to be bleeding. Well, I'm not that heartless but needless to say, we're selective. Yet I know those "in the system" who will see their pediatrician for a hangnail. Not a second thought about it. Why? Because they don't have to worry about the cost.

If I were on Badger Care, you know what I would owe this specialist? I wouldn't owe $50. I'd owe NOTHING. People ask why we don't have another kid? Partially because it's too damn expensive! Nobody would be flipping the bill for me to push one out. We'd be mostly on our own, just like for everything else.

And now that we got kicked in the teeth again, our insurance is changing and we now are responsible for 100% of EVERYTHING until we meet our insanely high deductible. Everything. This is what we've been working so hard for all these years? To see shitty benefits get shittier?

I'm two minutes from telling him to quit his damn job. We can be gypsies. I've always wanted to travel.

Random Thoughts for the Day

How do dandelions grow over night? Imagine if your hair grew that fast.

Why do I have my endless layering tank tops hanging in my closet when they just get covered up? No one will know if they have fold marks while under something else. And why do I hang them when I so desperately need hangars for my pants? Why do I need more room in my own walk in closet?

Why do all the children I've ever come in contact with use the word "mines" instead of "mine"?

Why do so many people care about John and Kate Plus 8? Why would she admit in "People" magazine their marriage is in trouble? Get rid of the cameras and raise your children instead of worrying about your gigantic paycheck and freebies. One day, they will resent you.

Why would someone who goes to the hospital for a twisted ankle get news she's pregnant? I've never gone in for strep throat and had to take a urine test.

Why do people put those stupid gazing balls in their gardens/yards? It just looks lame. Just like those garden accents made to look like a large woman's girdled behind. Just don't do it.

Why are we the only ones with Round-Up resistant weeds? Die, weeds, die!!!

Why is children's outdoor plastic play equipment so expensive? It's PLASTIC. And if you don't sell it when your kid outgrows it, do you recycle it????

Latest People Poll

Today's People on-line poll asks who is hotter: Hugh Jackman or Tom Cruise?






Really??? Is it even FAIR to Tom Cruise to ask a RHETORICAL question such as this?

Denial Ain't Just a River in Egypt

First off, I have strong admiration for Elizabeth Edwards, wife of the only booger with a $400 haircut, John Edwards (you remember him, the one who has had "conversations" with unborn children and is hugely to blame for malpractice suits run amok in this country...oh, and he tried to be VP and later President too). It takes an incredibly strong woman to battle cancer, and when given a terminal diagnosis, hold her head high.

And it takes an incredible dipshit to then cheat on his dying wife and possibly father a child from said affair.

But who am I to judge? I don't know them. I don't know what their marriage was like. I don't want to know. I don't care.

Today, Elizabeth Edwards appeared on Oprah in her first interview since the affair and paternity questions because headlining news some time ago. I'll spare you most of the details and give you the short list:

She was mad at him for having an affair (good start)

She says loving him is complicated but worth it (really?)

She doesn't know if he's the father of the "other woman's" baby and doesn't want to know (huh? If I knew my husband's been checking other women's oil with his dipstick I'd sure as hell want to know if they had a love child)

If it turned out that the child was John's it wouldn't change her life in the least.

This last point is why I'm blogging. It wouldn't change your life in the least???? Really? How is that even possible? I am willing to bet that if "the other woman" (let's call her Lola) goes public with paternity results, that would affect your life. If Lola came knocking on your door with a lawyer asking for $25,000 a month in child support that would affect your life. If your children are harassed at school for having a fungus for a father who gave them a half-brother or sister, that would affect your life. If your husband suddenly, say, got hit by a Mac 10 truck going 90 miles an hour and the courts then legally had to split your massive fortune (accumulated through frivolous malpractice suits) between 4 kids instead of just the 3 you birthed, it would affect your life.

Hold your head high and don't let this beat you. But don't be in denial.

Runner up for jaw-dropping comments... Elizabeth says that if you take this one bad thing John did out of the equation, John was a perfect husband. HUH!? I'm not Dr. Phil, but someone's gotta have questionable morals and values to cheat on his dying wife. Perfect husband and this was the one BAD thing he ever did??? As if this ONE thing isn't bad enough, you mean to tell me he deserves a badge of honor for being a perfect husband?

Final thought...

With as much money as that woman has, THIS is the best style money could buy??? Oprah, hire a new stylist. But I've gotta admit, it's nice to see that money can't buy you out of saggy facial skin and dark circles.

The Town's Gone Mad

Seriously. Milwaukee has gone crazy for Danny Gokey. If you're not familiar with him, the Robert Downey Jr. lookalike has made it to the top 3 on American Idol. This is exciting stuff as not much excitement, at least of this magnitude, comes out of Milwaukee. Most of the time, when we make the news, it's not much to be proud of. Case in point, Jeffrey Dahmer. Doubt they'd be polishing the Fox 6 signs if he came for a hometown visit. Or maybe they would, considering he got his ass beat to death by a fellow inmate. His resurfacing may be newsworthy...

It's all over the news. Fox 6 has not covered a single news story other than "Danny Gokey Day (tomorrow)" since I turned on the television 1-1/2 hours ago. Even the weather man is gushing about it. I understand that the weather plays an important role tomorrow with all the Gokey activities planned. Concerts at the Harley stage, National Anthem and first pitch at the Brewer's Game, parades, etc... Big stuff, cooperative weather appreciated...

I'm not complaining, really... I like the guy. I've liked him from the beginning. It helps that he's a local boy with a heart-tugging backstory. Very talented. And he's cute, in a good 'ol boy kind of way. It's fun to watch Milwaukee in the spotlight, and it will be so fun next week to watch his hometown visit on Idol. I hope it's a great turnout.

I have just one little problem. I've got a major crush on Adam, a gay crush if you will. I don't care if the guy prefers make up, leather pants, perfectly sculpted eyebrows and other men. I have a crush on him. What would you call that? Gay crush would almost imply I have a crush on another woman. What DO you call it when you're crushing on a gay dude????

A Danny/Adam finale may kill me.

Leisurely Ride

(Obviously these pictures are not from today, but you have to know what the bike looks like to get a clear picture in your mind)



After not riding my bike one single time last year (who knows why, I even have the spiffy kid trailer attachment...but we musn't forget that last year, 2008, was the year of fatness so exercise was damn near out of the question), we pulled it down from the rafters and took it for a few test drives. Of course, Braeden was more interested in riding his own bike rather than sitting in the trailer. I can't blame him for that...after all, exercise is a good thing for a preschooler with energy to burn (although I'd take the option to sit my lazy ass in a trailer any day). It was adorable the first time. Watching those short legs pedal as fast as they could go is always a treat. He was truly elated by this latest activity. He loved that Mommy had her own bike, even if it didn't have a goofy character face jutting out from the handlebars.

The novelty of the mommy-son excursions is wearing off. Have you ever tried riding your own bike next to a 3-1/2 year old on a tricycle? I didn't think it was possible, but he's even less cognizant of riding in a straight line than he is at peeing in one. "Side of the Road" in preschooler must mean zig-zag wherever the hell you feel like. And "keep pedaling honey" must translate into "stop dead in your tracks." Riding a two wheeler requires much more control than a 3 wheeled happy face bike, and that control is sorely compromised while pedaling at 1.5 miles an hour while trying to look for the bird your son sees 87 miles off in the distance. But he's having the time of his life, so that's all that counts I suppose.

However, I am willing to bet that, to anyone watching, we look like we're on our way home from the bar at 2 am.

Thinking of Jamaica...

It was about a week ago that Joe told me he'd like to try and take a vacation this fall. We've been talking about going back to Jamaica...it's my favorite place on Earth, after all. But the economy has been about as supportive of this wish as the levies in New Orleans during Katrina. You can imagine my elation when he suggested we should try and go. I've been doing Uppercase Living for nearly a year for this very reason, and with rates as low as they are on travel, maybe it's time to cash in...

I've been trying not to think to much about it as I don't want to get my hopes up. Responsibility needs to come first, so we have a lot to evaluate. But suddenly, today, I could almost SMELL Jamaica. The sun was shining for about ten minutes at the very time I thought of the sandy beaches, warmth and all the sweet umbrella drinks I could handle. I envisioned yummy food and steel drums playing reggae music. I'm telling you... I could smell the chlorine of the pools with the large "Sandals" logo mosaiced (word?) on the bottom.

So what brought on this mental teleportation to the country I hold so dear?

I was disinfecting the powder room toilet. Funny how the smell of bleach can take you from something so nauseating (Braeden misses the toilet bowl on occasion...) to something so exhilarating.

I may never think of toilets the same way again.

PM Bedroom Gallery Commercial

I realize this may be local, but the latest PM Bedroom Gallery really baffles me. The two brothers (I think) talk about how customers are asking for more place to store stuff and they show the newest design in their furniture...there is a secret drawer hidden underneath a top bureau drawer for hiding valuables such as jewelry.

Isn't that like using a neon sign with flashing arrows and yelling "expensive jewelry here!!!" to potential robbers? Couldn't they have just said "come on in...you won't believe the hidden compartments for storing your valuables?" I suppose it wouldn't have the same "that's cool!" effect....but still. I would want my secret compartments SECRET, know what I mean?

(and thanks to EM for pointing out it's a great place to hide "toys"....maybe that's what they really wanted to say but couldn't...you know, that whole FCC thing and all!!!)

Let's talk Swine Flu, shall we?

So Oconomowoc has canceled classes for many of it's schools due to the Swine Flue, or the H1N1 virus as some prefer to call it. Don't want to offend the pigs, you know. The goal is to localize any swine flu that the poor High Schooler may have spread. Does this seem logical to ANYONE other than those on the board? Exactly how is this localizing it? By guaranteeing these kids? You were 16 once. Think back...If you had off of school for an entire week, did you sit home, itching your ass and catching up on reading? No. Now these kids are going to the malls and theaters, restaurants and other hangouts instead. So instead of containing the virus in the school, they are spreading it throughout the community. Keep your kids home if you wish, but that should be your decision as a parent and hopefully you'll be there to make sure they keep their butts at home. Instead, the school board made the decision for these parents and now families are scrambling trying to figure out how to deal with it. My guess is most parents aren't taking off work to enforce the quarantine...they can't. Most parents need to work to pay the bills. Therefore, over 1,000 kids are out and about. Brings a new definition to "quarantine", doesn't it?

I'm not a cold hearted bitch. I swear I'm not. I feel for those people who have died from SF complications. But let's be realistic here... most of them live in low-income, overpopulated areas in Mexico. Many kids have never even seen a vaccination for whooping cough or measles. So why should it surprise anyone that the flu ran so rampant there? Sure, it spread to bigger, more modernized areas of Mexico as it ran it's course, but fact still remains that most people who fell the most ill lacked resources to care for themselves.

Hundreds, potentially, dead in Mexico due to Swine Flu. US Deaths = One, and that's even debatable because the poor girl was a Mexican citizen and reports are surfacing that she was visiting South Texas. We're not dropping like flies here. The strain's symptoms are less than many flu bugs we see yearly. Be smart and wash your hands.... Good Hygiene wins again!

People think the health care in America is an abomination and they want socialized medicine to fix it. Mexico has socialized medicine. Hell yeah, obviously it's a much better alternative, Devil Woman Clinton.

I wonder...

Do cats ever stop and say to themselves, "I feel like Italian for dinner"?????



Fancy Feast unveils their new "Tuscan Inspired" cat entrees.

Amanda's Truth About Motherhood Entry #3

My Kid Has NO Idea There is Such a Thing as "Kid's Music"

It's true. The sound of bubble-gummy, sweet as molasses tunes make me want to vomit. He knows of certain shows on television where music reigns supreme (Wiggles, Doodlebops...etc) but has absolutely no idea that they actually produce CDs aimed at children. I have XM Radio and only once or twice have I turned on the Disney Kids (out of guilt, of course) and guess what was on? Miley Cyrus. I can hear that on top 40 (if I really wanted to....and I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face than listen to Hannah Montana...yeah, shout out to Weird Al!!!).

It's not that I don't approve of the message or innocence. In fact, I think it's a wonderful thing. Kids are growing up way to fast these days and the longer we can keep them young, the better. However, I thrive on music. I always have. It's my way of just escaping. Rhythm runs rampant in my family (rhythm, not dancing, mind you) and music speaks to us. Listening to John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt speaks to me in ways that make me shudder.

The few times he's heard kids music (Jaime, I'm talking to you) he just blanked out. He was so far tuned out from it, more interested in reading books. I don't know if some of it is above his head, because to be honest, so much kids music isn't so much about kids but about stupid topics that I wouldn't bring up at my dinner table. That same day we had on Disney XM Kids there was a song about a man who farted all the time. I kid you not.

And what about those cheesy Kidz Bop CD commercials that are on every commercial break on Nickelodeon et al? Is it really appropriate for kids to be singing "So What" by Pink? For your reading pleasure, the lyrics of the first verse:

I guess I just lost my boyfriend
I don't know where he went
So I'm gonna spend my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent

I got a brand new attitude
And I'm gonna wear it tonight
I'm gonna get in trouble
I wanna start a fight

I understand that these CDs are probably for kids older than 3-1/2 but the point still remains that they are marketed as Kids music. And stupid people buy them for their young children (no offense if that was you, it's the fault of marketing...I get that).

So what do we listen to in the car??? Whatever I feel like. Braeden likes classic rock and even some hip hop. Sure, not all of it is appropriate but I'm not some boobhead that leaves the station on when any of Flo-Rida's songs come on. Even if it goes way over his head, I doubt the artist is capable of producing any song that isn't about giving head.

Braeden loves the Rolling Stones. He loves the drum song by Kanye West. His favorite all-time song is "Only Time Will Tell" by Asia (WHO??? Yeah, I said the same thing when this all started). He's obsessed with the "horn song." There have been times when we put our foots down and refuse to play it anymore after the tenth time in a 30 minute drive.

Maybe when he gets older I'll bend a little, but for now, I'm selfish in this respect. Besides, I don't want anyone Jingleheimerschmidting around my child.

Could the Next American Idol Be Gay?

On this "controversial" question being posed right now all over the internet, I have two things to say:

1) Is there anyone out there who actually believes Adam ISN'T gay?
2) Who EFFING cares if he is???

Not to judge a book by it's cover, but look at him. All you have to do is watch the personal segments on him before he sings and he's all but telling everyone he's gay. I cannot believe there is even a glimmer of doubt on this topic.

There are pictures circling like wildfire on the internet of Adam kissing another man. Sigh. Is this what we do with our time now? Judge a person's talent on his sexual preference? I don't mean to get all lib on everyone (and anyone who knows me knows that a liberal I am NOT) but get the hell over it. If you've got talent, that is what you should be judged on. Not whether you prefer a dessert of Twinkies or donut holes.

I will stand up on my very chair and declare myself a HUGE Adam Lambert fan. Every week I look forward to seeing what he's going to do, and only one time did I feel some let down, but not in a "you're not my favorite anymore" kind of way. More so in a "I can appreciate your talent but that was a little weird" kind of way. If you watch the show, I'm sure you know of which week I speak. He is incredibly original and immensely talented. He's entertaining as hell to watch and his voice blows everyone else out of the water. Isn't that why we watch these performers? To be entertained?

I give the highest props to the guy...he's the well-deserved front runner. I only hope that homophobes out there can give credit where credit is due and not try and sabotage this contest for him. You know....by posting stupid pictures intended to ruffle people's feathers. And make up your hypocritical minds... Some of the same sources who celebrated Ellen's wedding to Portia are painting Adam into a very strange and probably uncomfortable, judgmental corner. Apparently it's okay to be America's Lesbian Sweetheart but not America's Homosexual Idol. What, exactly, is the difference? They're both entertainers and hella-good at what they do, what they were apparently put on this very Earth to do. Is it my business, or anyone else's, what they do in their private time? Methinks not.

(oh, and for the record, loving Danny Gokey too. That whole Milwaukee pride thing, you know how it goes!)

My New Favorite Quote

“Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken.” ~ Anonymous

Truer words have never been spoken.

(Thanks to one of my followers for the quote!)

My name is Amanda and I'm An Addict

I'm addicted to Craig's List. There, I've said it and I feel better. I check Craig's List daily. I cannot believe some of the deals we've gotten on stuff for Braeden, such as a swingset (which I just sold for what we paid for it last year), his first bike (which he rides daily when the weather is nice), and other odds and ends. I hate paying retail for children's stuff because it's just going to get beat up anyways. I'm cheap that way.

Yet every day I am floored by the CRAP people try and sell. 5 stained onesies for $2. Who in their right mind is going to drive to West Bend for 5 used onesies for $2??? Do you know what those stains are? I'll give you a hint...odds are whatever it is spent some time inside a child before it came out. To save $2? What's the gas money going to cost you? Have you heard of Walmart?

Or there are the people who sell things for a "great price" and all you have to do is an ounce of research to realize you can get it for much less and brand new elsewhere.

There's nothing wrong with trying to make some money on things you don't need anymore. However, it is incredibly deceptive to try and sell shit at exorbitant prices. And it's even more snakey to sell FREE shit for a profit.

Case in point?



These stupid taco bell dogs are selling for $10. And the seller is touting that they are new (as evidenced by them still being in the bags). These were promo dogs produced a few years ago by the company. Promo=Free. I know this because my son has one. It's obnoxious and ugly. And did I mention it was FREE?

However, I'm sure the same idiot who thought that the chicken bacon sandwich was healthy will shell out the cash for the dogs.

Yo quiero Taco Bell, my friends!

Are you a total idiot???

I am frequently amazed at how stupid some people are. Not just your run-of-the-mill stupid, such as forgetting your gym card every time you go to the gym, doing an entire International Dinner's worth of shopping and then getting to register and realizing you didn't bring your wallet, or leaving the faucet on in the plugged laundry basin for 20 minutes while your laundry and mud rooms flood and it rains in your basement. (All of the previously mentioned being my doing)

I'm talking every day, common sense stupid. Every day I log onto Yahoo, which happens to be our home page and just about every other day the featured story is a "good things to know" piece. And every other day, I get sucked into clicking the link and proceed to wonder who in the hell the people are who've gotten through every day of their sad lives without knowing the information.

Articles in the past...

How to burn 500 calories?
Yahoo Answer: Take a spinning class.
Idiot's response: "OOOHHHHH....so I need to EXERCISE to lose weight. That's news to me!"

How to be more organized?
Yahoo Answer: File paperwork.
Idiot's response - "What's a file? Where's the Yahoo article on that?"

How to save money?
Yahoo Answer: Skip the daily latte.
Idiot's response: "But it's only $4 a day. That's not going to add up to anything."


Today's informative article featured the world's worst sandwiches. Is our country really that STUPID to need a list of eatery sandwiches that are bad for our health? One of the winners: Atlanta Bread Company Turkey Bacon Rustica. Who is the schmuck who looked at the menu and thought that was a healthy alternative to other selections? Does said blockhead not know that BACON is bad for you? Does this person go to Burger King and opt for the fried chicken sandwich slathered in mayo because, well....it's chicken, and chicken is good for you?

UGH. Common sense folks, common sense.

Amanda's Truth About Motherhood Entry #2

My Kid was 3-1/2 Before He Gave Up the Nuk

I am a total spaz about certain things, and the nuk was one of those triggers for me. I did NOT want a child who was chained to the nuk, pacifier, binky, etc. So from the time he was 9 months old, we stopped carrying one with us in public places. He was allowed to have his nuk in the carseat, at home, and in his crib. When he learned to walk, he was limited to the car and his crib. I felt like a hardass, but it's what we felt we needed to do in order to make sure he never developed a habit outside of sleeping.

However, he could have as many as he wanted in the crib. At one time, we had 12 nuks in the corner, on a blanket, so that when one fell between the slats and onto the floor, there was always another for him to find. Gone were the mid-night wakings, wailing for his nuk, and one of us having to go and retreive it. Problem solved!

Joe and I talked for months (years) about getting rid of it. But the truth of it all was that we were in no hurry. Braeden is/has always been a fantastic sleeper. And when I say that, I mean the kid BEGGED to go to sleep. Aside from seeing his blanks (another entry, another time), he got to use his beloved nuk. 8:30 pm - 8 or 9 am, not a peep. I loved the nuk as much as he did (I reaped the benefits of his sleep too) and deep down, I dreaded the day when it would go bye-bye.

So I let him keep it. For 3-1/2 years. The kid is in preschool, for the love of God.

The nuk fairy, at Braeden's suggestion, came to visit our house last Thursday and took all the nuks from the bag we hung in the tree and took them all to babies who needed them. It was actually very cute, albeit terribly frightening for me. What would happen to his sleep? My sleep?

The event came and went without much trouble, he's adapted just fine and is still sleeping perfectly. He was more ready than I was, I guess. We have been nuk free for 5 nights now and I'm glad it's done with....

BTW, The nuk fairy left a chainsaw as a parting gift. What happened to quarters, such as those the tooth fairy used to leave????

Amanda's Truth About Motherhood Entry #1

DVR = Sleep

We DVR episodes of Scooby Doo (all incarnations...Scooby Doo - Where are You?, Pup Named Scooby Doo, What's New Scooby Doo) and Curious George for Braeden to watch in the morning if he gets up too early. I love sleeping and if that Great Dane can give me an extra 20 minutes, so be it. No, we do not have a limit of television hours in our house.

"The Truth About Motherhood"

I used to enjoy watching Oprah. After all, I am a stay at home mom, and that's what we do, right? Sit around watching Oprah and eating bon-bons. No bon-bons for me. And ever since Oprah crawled up Obama's ass and built herself a soapbox up there, I've chosen to forgo my even most random viewings.

But the previews for yesterdays episode intrigued me so I tuned in. It was all about the ugly truth of Motherhood. The completely and totally unglamorous side that no one wants to talk about for fear of being judged or ridiculed. Sounds somewhat heavy, doesn't it? Well, it wasn't. It was downright hilarious.

I cannot tell you how many times I have begun venting about my life as a mother to someone and stopped myself mid-story or even mid-sentence. I work part time in a day care at an athletic club and deal with mothers every day who seem to have it all together. Some women with 4 or more children! I have friends who have children and always seem so put together. They appear to love every minute of being a mother and make it look so easy. And I stop myself mid-sentence because that is not me.

I doubt myself daily on my abilities as a mother. I love Braeden and wouldn't trade being a mother for the world. But is it my ENTIRE life? No. Is it easy? No. Do I enjoy every minute of it? HELL NO.

(and let me interject here that even as I type this, Braeden is choosing this as the perfect opportunity to need 100% of my attention to show me that the fabric measuring tape slides under a closed door...never a moment's peace)

I really thought that I was of some freakish rare breed, a breed of women that lacks that certain maternal mindset to morph into SuperMom. Apparently I'm not alone. Hallelujah!!! Turns out that there are scores of women out there who do what they can just to get by, just to make it through the day. The smiles on their faces are not because they love their job, but often times a front. Doesn't mean that we would rather not have children. It's just that there is so much "mom" talk out there, and with the media and internet at our fingertips, it's so much easier to stack ourselves up against others. And with all that comparison, it's simple to feel like we're failing.

I am thrilled beyond reason that I DVR'd the show as it put things into major perspective for me. I am REAL. I've always claimed to be a real mom, not some facade of what a mom should be. My kid has cried it out. He had mashed potatoes at 4 months old, before he'd even eaten Gerber vegetable purees. Sometimes he watches hours of television a day just so I can do laundry, make dinner, or heaven forbid....RELAX!!! Scooby is our best friend, our loyal (free) babysitter.... He eats chocolate. He's worn the same shirt 3 days in a row because it had Scooby on it and he wanted to wear it, despite the tomato sauce stains...

There is so much that others just didn't tell us before we became moms. A little heads-up would have been nice!!!! I love this topic so much that I think I'm going to try and do a series of blog entries about being a real mother. The ugly truth of things that every other "real" mom can identify with. Things you can stand up for and shout "I've DONE that!!!!!" (a woman spotlighted on Oprah's show started this whole real mom blog thing...great idea!) If anything, it may be therapeutic to me and others to know that we're all in the same boat. We're not perfect and we shouldn't need to feel the pressure to be. Years ago, it wasn't like this (or so I've been told). They did the best they could. Motherhood is a real bitch at times, and I love that the dialogue has begun. Time to get real, ladies!!!!