Friday Remake - Seriously?

When I first heard they were remaking "Friday the 13th", the groan probably shook our windows. In a sad display of evaporating originality, Hollywood has made it a mission to destroy the genre I so adore by remaking every single movie I've loved since childhood. My Bloody Valentine, Amityville Horror, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Fog... Halloween - Hell, even Michael Myers wasn't safe when they turned Rob Zombie loose to interpret the killer John Carpenter once described as "a force of nature" because he was just that...a force of nature. Zombie interpreted this to mean that he was a product of an in-bred, trailer-trash abusive family and a stripper mother. Of course, that must be what John Carpenter meant by "force of nature"!!!

But, being the fangirl that I am, I looked forward to seeing Jason on the big screen again. Nothing gets my blood flowing like witnessing others lose theirs (in a movie, of course!!!) and if it's by Jason's hands, machete, axe, arrow, etc, then the happier I am!

Who the hell was I kidding? What was I expecting? Did I actually expect anything good to come out of Platinum Dunes, the company financing this mess? Sadly, I did, and sadly, I was mistaken.

I'll spare you the review as odds are you don't care. But I will say that I'm completely able to suspend disbelief when watching these types of movies. You have to, or else you just won't enjoy it. It's not realistic, and that's the fun of it. But there were at least two dozen times during this "film" that I wanted to yell "WTF!!!!!!!?????"

For instance:

-If I ever met anyone that talked like the kids do in this movie, I'd beg Jason to kill me just so I wouldn't have to listen.

-Who water skis without a top on? Joe enjoyed that, but really?

-If you hadn't seen the original, would you even understand the impact of Jason's mom's beheading? Would you even understand WHY she was beheaded?

-What happened to the girl that beheaded mom? We know she survived, so wouldn't she have TOLD someone what she went through? Like, the COPS?

-But A few years later, another group goes to the camp and gets slaughtered. A cop tells one inquisitive man that they sent the best men out to look for clues on the missing teens and found nothing and have no reason to suspect foul play. REALLY???? After a massacre a few years back and now 8 teens are missing, they suspect nothing and found nothing. Not even the bloodied, busted up GPS our third group finds sitting in the middle of the damn hiking trail. Or the abandoned cabin Jason's been calling home, complete with severed head. Booby traps? The fact that the abandoned camp was lit up like a carnival at night??? Crystal Lake's finest force hard at work here.

-Back to mom, would you even have known that was her stupid head in the cabin?

-The rats were eating everything else, but NOT her severed head?

-When did Jason have time or skill to create such elaborate exterior lighting? And who is paying for that? Surely the power company would notice electricity being used at an abandoned camp.

-And in between the electric triumphs, when and how on Earth did he learn to create all those trenches and underground passageways? Again, there they are in plain sight and the cops never found them in their massive investigation????

-Jason now uses warning system traps? To alert him that someone is coming and his secrets may be revealed? Does he really give a shit?

-Why did Jason look so feverishly through 3 canoes for intruders only to basically shrug it off and walk away? Short attention span?

-Could the writers and directors have made it any LESS climactic when he found his mask? It was to become his identity for chrissakes!

-There are a bunch of teens missing and our "good" girl decides to take a hike with the creepy guy she JUST met?

-And finally....the wood chipper is begging to be used in a creative kill, especially for the demise of our man Jason. But what do the two stupid loser "survivors" decide to do? Turn it off and CARRY the presumed-dead serial killer to the lake where then dump him into his "grave". Why not just secure his fate in the barn? Why on Earth would you dump the evidence Crystal Lake's finest would need to confirm the story?????????

Ugh, I'm just sickened. In fact, I think I'll watch the original today while I'm working out. It may not have been Oscar-worthy, but it wasn't this shit pile.