Nature's Sick and Twisted Sense of Humor

What would you think if you came home after a nice, relaxing summertime weekend and saw THIS in one of your mulch beds???




If you're anything like me, you'd think a deer wandered into your yard and puked up half his stomach. I thought I was going add to the pile of what appeared to be vomit with some of my own.

Because my on-call horticulturist (wink) was on her own sun-soaking vaca, I decided to do a little bit of research myself. Apparently I am not alone in thinking that this foaming mass was vomit. It's called slime mold, but commonly referred to as "dog vomit fungus." Funny thing is that it is not a fungus at all, although that does little to make me feel better.

Wikipedia tells me this:

Life cycle

They begin life as amoeba-like cells. These unicellular amoebae are commonly haploid and multiply if they encounter their favorite food, bacteria. These amoebae can mate if they encounter the correct mating type and form zygotes which then grow into plasmodia. These contain many nuclei without cell membranes between them, which can grow to be meters in size. One variety is often seen as a slimy yellow network in and on rotting logs. The amoebae and the plasmodia engulf microorganisms. The plasmodium grows into an interconnected network of protoplasmic strands.[4]

Within each protoplasmic strand the cytoplasmic contents rapidly stream. If one strand is carefully watched for about 50 seconds the cytoplasm can be seen to slow, stop, and then reverse direction. The streaming protoplasm within a plasmodial strand can reach speeds of up to 1.35 mm per second which is the fastest rate recorded for any organism.[5] Migration of the plasmodium is accomplished when more protoplasm streams to advancing areas and protoplasm is withdrawn from rear areas. When the food supply wanes, the plasmodium will migrate to the surface of its substrate and transform into rigid fruiting bodies. The fruiting bodies or sporangia are what we commonly see, they superficially look like fungi or molds but are not related to the true fungi. These sporangia will then release spores which hatch into amoebae to begin the life cycle again.[4]

Now I really wish I paid attention in biology instead of just copying my ex-boyfriend's notes.

That's right, that mass actually fucking moves. Excuse my language, but I am at a loss on what else to say when I find out that I have nomadic mold growing in the mulch beds I've worked rather hard at maintaining this year. Apparently, when it's done migrating and eating, it bleeds to death. Well, not actually, but it oozes red blood like material that is a sign that the mass is breaking down. We can't even move the bitches until they're all dried and shriveled up or else they'll spray spores all over hell and multiply.

I'm told this is all very normal and happens all the time. Again, doesn't make me feel a whole lot better.

Best part about all this...there isn't a damn thing at all we did to cause this and there isn't a damn thing at all we can do to prevent it in the future. We are up to 5 masses now.

My son thinks it's cool. I think Nature is sick and effing twisted.


Slime mold in it's early stages...you know, the stage where it MOVES


(note these are not pictures from my yard...only ones I found on the net. Either way, it's repulsive)