Adventures in Janikland

Kmart

2010-06-09T23:01:00.002-05:00

I don't have time to really blog...well, I haven't blogged for damn near a year now so that is a pointless statement.

But I do want to say this and I plan on re-visiting shortly, along with several other musings I'd like to share....

What the hell happened to Kmart???

Spoiled, spoiled baby...

2009-08-18T13:51:00.003-05:00

As you can probably tell seeing that my last blog entry was July 21st, I haven't had much time to blog lately. Not that I haven't had anything to say...there's always tons I could write about. Time is just getting away from me. Truth be told, I miss blogging. It gives me an outlet for my thoughts that my husband just doesn't want to hear about.

If anything will prompt me to sign on, I wish it wasn't that Brett Favre is a big, whiny, spoiled brat. Unfortunately, this is the case. Today we found out that only about 3 weeks after deciding to stay retired (again), he has instead decided to fuck us Packer fans up the ass and sign with Minnesota. I mean really, what is he accomplishing by doing so? Tarnishing his image? Check. Screwing us fans? Check. Making himself look like an asshole? Check. Wanting me to put every single piece of Favre memorabilia Joe owns on Craig's List so I can buy some new handbags? Check check check.

I married a very stubborn man and he will attest, until the day he dies, that the Packers screwed Favre. Never mind the fact that they are a BUSINESS. Favre's wishy, washy ways backed them into a corner. How long can they wait around for the prima donna to decide if he wants to play or retire (Joe: "Until he's damn good and ready.)? Yes, his track record with the team was stellar, in most respects, and it was a great partnership. But let's get real here...Favre was not the Packers. They are a team. And until he buys a team, he doesn't hold the right to call the shots. Agree or disagree with how shit went down, this fact cannot be disputed. (Joe: "Yes it can.")

Our marriage is solid and we find common ground on a lot of things by talking through them (Joe: "Yes Dear.") This is one thing we cannot get past. I think Favre has become a self-absorbed media whore. Joe thinks he is a victim. Call me nuts, but if I lived years in the spotlight and was loved and adored by fans worldwide, respected by coaches and other players nationwide, I'd retire, no matter what the circumstances are and relish in that glory. I'd buy a condo in Jamaica (on a all-inclusive resort of course) and sip on tropical drinks all day long. I would not do everything in my power to erase those warm fuzzies and screw the very people who elevated me to super-hero status. Way to screw us all, Favre (Joe: "He's not doing it to screw the fans. He's just bitter." Yes, that makes it better...).

Sigh. You look shitty in purple anyways.

There's a Sucker Born Every Minute

2009-07-21T15:29:00.005-05:00

And unfortunately, I am now one of them...

I pride myself on being a cynic. This way, I avoid falling victim to scam and thus ridicule. Trust me, my friends and family can be brutal. I approach things in a very logical way, for the most part, and research and analyze until it drives even the most patient saint nuts. This is not to say I am not spontaneous, because I am very much so, just not where my money is concerned. Often times it can be pretty damn difficult to pry a buck out of my hands. The other day I made a comment about money and Braeden responded "Mr. Krabs likes money." Smart boy, as green is one of his favorite things. This is a bit unnerving to realize how much I have in common with a talking crab with whale for a daughter.

At any rate, here's the point to my story...

I love that stupid lift in the crown of women's hair. I've been a fan for a long time and it's funny that it only recently has become a nationwide obsession. Nobody has flat hair, they all have that pouf in the back. I have a LOT of hair so up until now, I've been pretty lucky with being able to just give it a little tease should the mood strike me and on my way I go. I've also pulled up the sides (now that it's long enough again) and used them as anchors to pull the middle hair up. Works pretty well if I do say so myself. However, I always felt there just had to be another way... And to think some people spend their days worrying about finding a job. How shallow I've become.

Well I'd be a bird with no leg (thank you, Wes) if I didn't recently see a commercial for Bumpits, plastic inserts concealed in the crown of your hair to give you that most desirable look. Of course, why didn't I think of that! I'd be a millionaire! Of course, I never patented my stupid idea way back when to cut off the feet of my nylons either, and look where that's gotten me. (Reality check Amanda...I don't think it counts as an idea when you think of it while you're wasted at sorority formal and are sick of just getting holes in the bottoms of your nyloned foot...hardly the purpose of Spanks).

Back on point...as with everything that costs me money, I researched. Google is my best friend. I read all the reviews and was quite saddened to see that most people were very let down by said plastic. I read that you can see the combs, they don't stay in place, the arch is visible, there is a bad "dropoff"....etc, etc, etc. So I shelved the idea, both because of the reviews and because I make it a practice to never order anything from TV. My Father in Law only reinforced that with his recent purchase of the GT Xpress.

Yesterday it resurfaced. While lying sick in bed with some ridiculous virus that took both my voice and my breath, a bumpits commercial came on. Again, my hopes soared. Until I saw the price, plus shipping and handling. Crazy, I say....crazy!!! Yet once again I found myself on the net researching them...perhaps in the last month or two they've changed the product, or someone's uncovered a secret to using them????

And then I saw it...someone posted they got them at Sally Beauty Supply (cue ad on right). At 9 am this morning I was calling my local store and by 11 am, I was in the door picking up the last blonde one they had in stock. The checker explained I can return them if they don't work out, which was music to my ears, because even those the $9.49 price tag is over half what they wanted on tv, $10 is still $10 and I don't want to spend $10 on crap. I save that money for a pack of smokes when I hit the bar. See the logic????

When we got home, I set Braeden up with some colored pencils and Spongebob and eagerly went to work. I could feel my heart racing in anticipation. I read the directions. Followed them precisely. Here's what I am hoping to acheive. My hair is a bit longer now but this is just cool:

Take 1: OOOHHHH!!!! Look at that height!!!! But shit, you can see the teeth on the combs. Easily.

Take 2. Tease more. Insert. You can see the insert. It's shiny.

Take 3: Tease more. Hairspray more. I guess this is like primer? Insert. Comb teeth. Why does my hair feel thin? I have enough freaking hair to cover this gadget.

Take 4: Flip upside down and tease and spray. Obviously this volumizing device needs volume to work. I look like Bride of Frankenstein. You can see the combs.

Take 5: Pull more hair forward so I have more hair to cover the crescent. Tease. Insert device. It now sits too far back on my head and looks like I have a strange tumor. And you can still see the combs.

Take 6: Flip upside down and tease furiously again. Blood rushes to my face. Flip up and ugly blue vein is protruding from my forehead. Insert and tossle hair with fingers while spraying hairspray. Separate hairspray-doused strands of hair with comb. Bump stupid Bumpit with comb and knock it out of place. I now have lift on the right side of my head. You can see the combs.

Take 7 - 10: Guess.

Take 11: Take stretchy headband and insert in hair, fluffing back of head with fingers, no device. Nice volume in back, decent lift in the crown.

Fuckers.

Guess I'll be going back to Sally soon to return these "As seen on TV" pieces of plastic. What a fool I am.... :(

"That Bird Has No Leg"

2009-07-17T14:18:00.005-05:00

"That Bird Has No Leg"
And this shall furthermore be known as the primo diss.

On "The Bachelorette" we've been subjected to Wes' ride from super hottie to super scumbag. Unfortunately for Jillian, our fine Bachelorette, she was oblivious to his increasingly turd-like ways. And I shouldn't even use the word "unfortunately" because progressive episodes showed her being clued into the fact (clued in = being told point blank by several bachelors) that Wes has a girlfriend at home and that he's just on the show for publicity for his new record. She chose to ignore them and gave him a rose anyways because he's A) Hot and B) They have chemistry. I'm sure he's mastered the chemistry part already with that lady at home...

I'm finally catching up on the season and on the episode I watched last night, she gave him the long-awaited boot to the ass. This was after she noticed his emotional and physical distance. I've got news for Jillian... the beginning of the relationship is the good part. Not that things go downhill, but if you're meant to be with someone, there will never be those awkward silent moments. You should be jumping each other like dogs. I'm just sayin'....

Wes is now claiming he was the victim of bad editing. Let's look at this...I mean really look at it. Producers and editors, as evil as they may be in order to make a buck cannot make things come out of your mouth such as:

(Paraphrasing, but you'll get the drift)

"I'm the one going and I'll be home having lots of sex." (to one of the other contenders, mind you)

"I already got what I came here for...I've been on the show for 6 episodes and got all the publicity I needed for my upcoming album."

"I'm just here to promote my new album." (we saw your band on the show dude....seriously, I wouldn't quit your day job any time soon)

"I'm the first dude who's made it all the way to the final four with a girlfriend."

"My acting days are over."

Really, who does this guy think he is??? These words could not be taken out of context. You are not being portrayed as an asshole. You are an asshole. Good luck with that record dude. You just pissed off half the female population. Exactly HOW did you think behaving like this would get you further in your career???

But my favorite quote had to come from their awkward, distant date. Jillian asks Wes if he'd consider moving if she picked him in the end. After he responds that most important is "numero uno" (not shitting you), he spills his beer and points and observes "That bird has no leg".

Exactly the words every woman waits to hear.

(and for the record, I am in love with Reid. Not a little, but a lot. Unfortunately, he has that whole neurotic thing going on. It may be cute now but trust me, neurotic tendencies can get really trying really fast.... I love Kiptyn too but his mom scares the bejeezes out of me)

Searching for a Trip Down Memory Lane...

2009-07-13T14:01:00.004-05:00

One might think I've been in mourning since MJ passed away 2-1/2 weeks ago because I haven't blogged since. Rest assured, I was not that rabid of a fan. Okay, maybe a little, but certainly not enough to overshadow my entire life. We've just been busy. There are many things I could have blogged about, but nobody wants to read about how we got drunk on Fourth of July due to one to many "Wayners." I'm a little more random here than that.

So today, who the hell knows WHY, I was thinking about McDonalds. Not today's McDonald's, but old school Mickey D's. I don't know why, it was just one of those freak things that worms it's way into my head. Maybe it's because we eat there entirely too often. It's not even a treat anymore for Braeden, who asked to go to Subway instead the other day. Don't get me wrong, my child is not fed a diet of chicken mcnuggets and french fries on a daily basis. Look at the kid, he's a twig. But life is busy and sometimes on the run, I have no qualms about stopping. He eats apples there too, but not in place of his beloved french fries. He's not a freak. But when I was a kid, going to McDonalds was a special occasion.

Anyhoo, I plopped my lazy ass in front of the computer and Googled vintage/old school McDonalds (cue banner ad on right). What I was really looking for was old packaging. I know, you're thinking WHY? Again, I don't know. But you know how sometimes when you see something as simple as an old advertisement or tv show or something it takes you back and you get that warm and fuzzy feeling all over? I wanted my fuzzies to come from that old brown chicken mcnugget packaging. Me=Dork.

That's what I was looking for. Instead, what I found was a slew of old McDonalds commercials. Have you seen the really old ones? I never have. I didn't realize that Ronald McDonald started out as a creepy clown (well, I guess some things never change) who wore food on his head and a cup on his nose. You didn't either. Don't pretend you did.

THIS..

STARTED AS THIS:

Fascinated by the pictures, I then watched some old ads on You Tube. I'm telling you right now, if you're looking for a good time, not much can beat old television commercials. But this takes the cake:

Watch the Video From Hell Here

No really, you need to watch the video...

Four thoughts come to mind when watching this train wreck...

1. Mom says not to talk to strangers but apparently she forgot to mention not eating food that falls from the sky or comes from the general crotch area of a creepy clown. "I'm not a stranger, I'm Ronald McDonald!" Uh-oh, this can't end well.

2. Why is the kid trying so hard to grab Ronnie's ass at the end of the advert?

3. Why on EARTH did someone think that the food Ronald has on his magic tray would appeal to ANYONE? Look at those "french fries"! Seriously, WTF are those???

4. And finally...Ronald looks like a goddamn pervert! And the kid walks away with him in the end! Who thought that this would make a good face for McDonalds? No Mother I know would be okay with their children being within 10 feet of this lunatic. Except, I suppose, the ones that sent their children to Neverland Ranch. (Ooops, it's not nice to speak ill of the dead...but really...).

When reading some comments posted after the ad, it seems I am not alone in my own subliminal world....

I'm supremely creeped out. And think, all I wanted was warm fuzzies. Instead, I won't sleep tonight...

The Day the Music Died

2009-06-26T15:05:00.006-05:00

The world lost a legend yesterday.

You cannot turn on the television or radio right now without hearing all about the tragic loss of one of music's most incredible icons, Michael Jackson. When news of Farrah Fawcett's death hit yesterday, I asked Joe who he thought the third would be...you know, these things always come in threes. First was Ed McMahon, then Farrah....who would be next? Joe said Patrick Swayze. I almost slapped him. I'm not the President of Johnny Castle's fan club or anything, but I admire the guy and his determination. Never, ever in my wildest dreams that it would be Michael Jackson.

To children of the 80's, he WAS music. If I sat and tried to recount all of my memories involving MJ, this blog entry would go on forever. I can honestly say that he was the first artist that propelled me from listener to fan....and a damn near rabid fan at that. I had the shirts, buttons, tapes, VHS recordings of his videos...hell, at one time, I even had a red leather jacket. Although it didn't look anything like the article he made famous, in my mind, it was perfect. I knew all the lyrics of Thriller and BAD by heart (and now my favorite MJ CD is "Off the Wall"....It was years before I could recognize how amazing and groundbreaking that CD really is). I thought I was going to marry him. I mean, look at that completely natural, unaltered face...the man was sexy as hell...

(I know plenty would argue, but I thought he was gorgeous)

One of my earliest memories involving MJ was in our home in Arizona, circa 1985.... "We are the World" was released and I remember dancing around our unusually large great room with the song blasting from our file-cabinet sized speakers. I pretended I was Cyndi Lauper, because who DIDN'T want to be her at the time? But I was wearing my Michael t-shirt and when the song was over, I couldn't figure out how to switch the tape to play "Thriller." Goes to show you how different things are nowadays... my son can easily switch his own DVD's. Psh.

Ask any of my friends what the logical progression of any evening with me and cocktails involves....

1) Amanda drinks
2) Amanda's volume goes up
3) Amanda cries about thinking she's a terrible mom because she's cocktailing
4) Amanda plays Michael Jackson CDs

The chain of events is inevitable. Despite the headlines that overshadowed his music starting with the face lightening, child molestation allegations, and oddity after oddity, I was still a fan. There are very few artists that I can put aside their personal lives or beliefs for to just enjoy the music (Springsteen, I'm pointing at you...and Cake, you're on thin ice). My enthusiasm for the man never faltered. I doubt it ever will.

So as I sit and watch the stream of endless videos (they so far went beyond videos...they were events) on MTV today, I'm not ashamed to admit I get a little teary eyed now and then. He was the mark of a generation and his impact was global. It's a shame that so many will only remember the quirky, damn near scary Michael Jackson. Future generations will never know how he made us feel, the excitement, the energy because it was something you had to experience first hand. But to those of us who were there, who lived it and grew up with Billy Jean, yesterday was a sad day. It was our Beatles passing. Our Elvis.

It was the day OUR music died.

RIP Michael.

A Mom's Main Duty

2009-06-23T14:00:00.003-05:00

I just asked Braeden what he thought my main job as a mom was.

His response: "To make sure I don't get out of my bed."

Strange thing is that I thought I had many more important duties than that??? I mean, in his three year old mind, that probably does seem like what I spend a lot of mom hours doing (see post below on bedtime excuses). But there are many other, what I what consider, MAIN parts of my job as a mom. After all, I have to:

-Make sure he is warm, fed and safe on a daily basis
-Make sure he has clean clothes and underwear
-Cuddle him when he is sick
-Cuddle him when he is not
-Enrich him with exciting activities so his mind will grow
-Make sure he is secure so he feels free to explore the world around him
-Make him laugh
-Listen to him endlessly talk about tractors and diggers
-Remind him to pull the grundy out from his crack when he has his bathing suit on
-Tell him his shorts are on backwards
-Take him to the Power Center to get new "Simpidy" (Simplicity) pamphlets when he wears his down to the fibers
-Get the bugs out of the pool so he can play in it for 3 minutes until he decides to mow the lawn
-Pick the boogers out of his nose with my pinky nail
-Make sure his Cub Cadet power wheels riding mower is plugged in every night so it's charged every morning
-Give him time outs, sometimes upwards of 10 times a day....for the same thing
-Remind him that "poopy" is potty talk and not to be discussed in the presence of others
-Make him pot pie for lunch, at his request, only for him to eat the crust on certain occasions
-Make him 8 fish sticks and listen to him beg for more as though he had the stomach of a 20 year old
-Pretend to spray for bugs outside
-Search high and low for the tractor he got from the Dells last year so he can sleep with it
-Scrub the toilets often as sometimes, aiming just isn't fun
-Stiffle laughter as he throws himself onto the floor in fits because I won't turn on the oven and make him pot pie when it's 107 degrees outside (and because it may be the one out of 7 times he only eats the crust)
-Teach him that peeing on the patio is not appropriate, especially when we have guests
-Feed him string cheese without strings, because apparently strings are evil
-Remind him that it's probably not a great idea to tell everyone he meets that Daddy is funny because Daddy farts all the time...

I consider all of these very important Motherly duties. I suppose that making sure he doesn't come out of his bed 10 times an evening before finally going to sleep is important as well. It's just funny that that is the one thing he remembers... ;)

(and no, this is not said bed...I just thought the picture was cute)

TLC Grows Some Balls

2009-06-23T13:04:00.001-05:00

Thank you TLC for announcing that "Jon and Kate Plus 8" is going on hiatus. It's nice to see that someone is looking out for those children.

Too bad the decision came from the network and not the parents. Makes you wonder who really has the kids best interest at heart, doesn't it?

Jon and Kate Plus the Hate

2009-06-23T09:33:00.003-05:00

Am I the only person who hasn't watched this trainwreck unfold? It seems everyone I know watches this show. Because I am curious by nature, I had to tune in last night to see what the "Big Announcement" was. I was hoping it was that Kate was going to do something different with her hair. It really is quite distracting. Instead, it was the news that they are separating. Boo Effing Hoo. Big surprise.

I am sickened by these two. Although I have never seen the "happier times" that I've heard were filmed early on in the series, what I saw last night was enough to tell me that Kate is a self-absorbed shrew. She sat there and went on and on about how everything she does she does for the children and they mean so much to her. Speaking Mother to Mother, you do not parade your children in front of the world while your marriage is unfolding and claim you are doing it for the children. Divorce is a private matter and at the first sign things were unraveling, a responsible parent would have pulled out of the show. Contractual obligations broken, pay the penalties out of the fortune you've made off the show. Your family and children's well being is worth it. Give up the free trips, spa makeovers, wardrobe and lavish home.

They both claim they're pressing on with the show to provide for the kids. Are they so jaded they don't even realize that parents raise children all the time and provide with an actual JOB? That kids are perfectly happy being middle class, forgoing the stupid crooked houses and visits from American Choppers as long as they feel loved and secure?

Your job as a parent is to raise well adjusted kids who will grow on to be competent, contributing adults. Divorce is never easy, but doing it in the public eye when you're just trying to find your place in the world is potentially devastating. Why would you want to document their heartache for all to see? Are they so beyond rationality that they cannot see that? These children are going to need extra love and support, and complete and utter focus from their separating parents. NOT to have a film crew follow each tear. Does anyone really want to watch an episode where the kids place self blame and ask Kate "What did we do to make you not love each other anymore?" You're sick twisted if you do.

Shame on TLC and shame on the Gosselin parents.

These two need to take the high road and act on their words...put those kids first. Take things behind closed doors and give them a chance. Until you do so, do not expect anyone to believe your children are the most important things in the world to you.

In it for the kids or in it for bad hair?

Nature's Sick and Twisted Sense of Humor

2009-06-22T19:29:00.004-05:00

What would you think if you came home after a nice, relaxing summertime weekend and saw THIS in one of your mulch beds???

If you're anything like me, you'd think a deer wandered into your yard and puked up half his stomach. I thought I was going add to the pile of what appeared to be vomit with some of my own.

Because my on-call horticulturist (wink) was on her own sun-soaking vaca, I decided to do a little bit of research myself. Apparently I am not alone in thinking that this foaming mass was vomit. It's called slime mold, but commonly referred to as "dog vomit fungus." Funny thing is that it is not a fungus at all, although that does little to make me feel better.

Wikipedia tells me this:

Life cycle

They begin life as amoeba-like cells. These unicellular amoebae are commonly haploid and multiply if they encounter their favorite food, bacteria. These amoebae can mate if they encounter the correct mating type and form zygotes which then grow into plasmodia. These contain many nuclei without cell membranes between them, which can grow to be meters in size. One variety is often seen as a slimy yellow network in and on rotting logs. The amoebae and the plasmodia engulf microorganisms. The plasmodium grows into an interconnected network of protoplasmic strands.[4]

Within each protoplasmic strand the cytoplasmic contents rapidly stream. If one strand is carefully watched for about 50 seconds the cytoplasm can be seen to slow, stop, and then reverse direction. The streaming protoplasm within a plasmodial strand can reach speeds of up to 1.35 mm per second which is the fastest rate recorded for any organism.[5] Migration of the plasmodium is accomplished when more protoplasm streams to advancing areas and protoplasm is withdrawn from rear areas. When the food supply wanes, the plasmodium will migrate to the surface of its substrate and transform into rigid fruiting bodies. The fruiting bodies or sporangia are what we commonly see, they superficially look like fungi or molds but are not related to the true fungi. These sporangia will then release spores which hatch into amoebae to begin the life cycle again.[4]

Now I really wish I paid attention in biology instead of just copying my ex-boyfriend's notes.

That's right, that mass actually fucking moves. Excuse my language, but I am at a loss on what else to say when I find out that I have nomadic mold growing in the mulch beds I've worked rather hard at maintaining this year. Apparently, when it's done migrating and eating, it bleeds to death. Well, not actually, but it oozes red blood like material that is a sign that the mass is breaking down. We can't even move the bitches until they're all dried and shriveled up or else they'll spray spores all over hell and multiply.

I'm told this is all very normal and happens all the time. Again, doesn't make me feel a whole lot better.

Best part about all this...there isn't a damn thing at all we did to cause this and there isn't a damn thing at all we can do to prevent it in the future. We are up to 5 masses now.

My son thinks it's cool. I think Nature is sick and effing twisted.

Slime mold in it's early stages...you know, the stage where it MOVES

(note these are not pictures from my yard...only ones I found on the net. Either way, it's repulsive)

Summer, Summer, Summertime...Time to Sit Back and Unwind

2009-06-22T18:56:00.005-05:00

We are officially selling our house, buying something cheaper and also buying our dream cabin up in the Wisconsin Dells.

Well, not really. But in a few years, I will be happy to say goodbye to my house in favor of a more laid back lifestyle. One that can include many more weekends like this past one.

We had the pleasure of spending the weekend at my sister and brother in law's family cabin in Montello, WI. It was exactly what a good summer weekend is made of...good food, beautiful lake, pontooning, kid's laughter, sun, campfire, and beer. Too much of the latter but that will not be the topic of my first blog entry in nearly two weeks. Those who know us well know that we do not need to state the most obvious.

In fact, there isn't much to post about. We laughed a ton and everyone was so happy. It's been a while again since we've all been together (all siblings and Dad, minus the youngest sister) and it was great to catch up. Braeden had a great time with his cousins and I'm sure he'll remember the weekend for the rest of his life. In fact, we actually saw some bravery in him as after nearly a half hour of coaxing by EVERYONE, he finally got in the lake. Then we couldn't get him out! I don't think I'll ever forget the look on his face as he was out there being "one of the boys." It's the stuff kids live for.

I think the weekend is best summed up by photos...

I am looking forward to many more summertime memories!!!

The Face of Fear

2009-06-09T12:48:00.006-05:00

Have you ever spent $40 and gotten almost nothing out of the deal? In this economy, that doesn't sit too well with me but when you're on vacation, anything goes. Money goes like a nice big bottle of water after a spinning class. You've just got to suck it up and realize that vacation's gonna cost you. A lot.

This past weekend we had the pleasure of traveling to the Wisconsin Dells with our good friends and their son. The two boys are close in age so it was a lot of fun to watch them run around, being crazy... They had a blast. Well, at least the other boy did. Ours, we realized, is a big wimp. And I mean that with all the love in the world. Maybe I shouldn't call him a wimp, that sounds so awful for a mom to say. We'll call him thrill-seeking challenged.

Because we live and traveled in Wisconsin during June, the weather was a crapshoot. We got the crap. At one point, it was 49 degrees. Nobody packed enough warm weather clothes as we were trying to be optimistic. Know what optimism gets you? Nips that could cut glass. Screw optimism.

Anyways, because Mother Nature decided to take a dump on us, we had to spend most of our vacation indoors. I guess the Dells is the place to have that happen as there is so much to do indoors, including indoor waterparks. We partook in those and it helped ease some of the vacation blues. But indoor waterparks include a lot of indoor waterslides. Have I mentioned that my son is "thrill-seeking challenged"? Waterslides are grouped into that category of fun things my child will not do.

To his credit, he did go down one of the giant waterslides with me. It took 20 minutes on the top deck to convince him to do it (thank God the lifeguard was patient and there was nobody else around wanting to go down) but he did it. He didn't really enjoy it. But he did it. Then we decided to take it easy and go on the lazy river. Joe sent both of us ass over head into the water when he tried getting on the raft with us. So set the tone for Braeden's braveness.

Saturday we went to Knuckleheads (look for the banner on the right side of blog, I'm sure), an indoor amusement park. It was great. The facility was perfect and there was so much to do. We bought Braeden the Kiddie Pass as he loves going to fairs and such with the stupid little motorcycles and trains. There were several of those types of rides so we thought we hit a gold mine. All the kid wanted to do when we got inside was ride the roller coaster. We were surprised but went with it. You have to jump on the opportunity when it presents itself.

I bet you can guess what happened. He freaked. The entire time. He screamed and cried. Joe rode with him and this is where I wonder what the hell kind of sadistic mother I am. I laughed. Not a little chuckle...I laughed my ass off. I know, it's sad. He was TERRIFIED. I should have been feeling a different emotion but it was so stinking funny. The look on his face. The look on Joe's face. I felt terrible for him but I couldn't help it.

And now I present you with the face that had me buckled over:

Come on, that's funny stuff...

I know, I'm terrible. It's my job as a Mother to make sure my child feels safe and secure. But I had to find some humor in the fact that the other little boy with us went on everything. Rides that I wouldn't think most 5 year olds would ride. He's a daredevil and therefore, his parents had a great time. After the coaster, my kid wouldn't even go on the kiddie planes that just go slowly in a circle. $40 down the drain. Forgive me if I have to find some humor in the situation... ;)

Banner Ad...Again...

2009-06-02T13:25:00.001-05:00

Today's banner ad on my blog:

Signs of a Cheating Wife.
Spy software will find the truth. 5-Star Software. Free Trial Offer!

WTF.

Bedtime Excuses Galore

2009-06-02T12:53:00.005-05:00

The crib is a beautiful invention. Not only does it keep the little ones safe and sound, it also provides parents with a little extra sanity. Braeden loved his crib. He looked forward to going to bed every night, every naptime... Of course, he had his beloved nuk as well. It never came out of the crib. Call it bribery or whatever you'd like, but that kid sucked on that piece of plastic for 3-1/2 years and we never fretted about it. He would just cuddle up in his crib and drift away...never called for us, never tried climbing out of it...no acrobatics here. NIghtime was so peaceful...Joe and I could sit down with a cocktail, play a game of Yahtzee or cribbage, read a book, etc, etc, etc.

When he turned 3-1/2, we figured we'd pushed the crib envelope as far as we could. He's not a baby anymore. It was time to convert the lifetime crib into a toddler bed. Braeden was thrilled.

Thrilled because he could get out of bed by himself.

Gone were the days of him sleeping until past 8 am. Now we're graced with his presence at 6:15 am. I am not a morning person. This does not work for me. But I can deal with it as we have DVR in our room. Scooby is my hero for I can get a few minutes of extra sleep.

What I cannot deal with is the cornucopia of bedtime excuses. This has only been exacerbated by the recent transition into his double bed. This only happened because the kid is so freaking tall he was almost too long for his toddler bed.

Here is an abbreviated list of Braeden Wayne's bedtime excuses:

- "I'm thirsty"
- "I have to go poopy." Does one pellet count?
- "I can't see my tractor." Yes, because it's bedtime and the lights go out.
- "My aquarium isn't working." Because you shut it off...you know how to turn it off but always miraculously "forget" how to turn it on, even though it's the same button.
- "By the way..." Finish statement with anything under the sun
- "I forgot to feed Girlie." The cat is fat, she'll live....and you don't feed her every day anyways.
-"We forgot to read a book." No we didn't; we read 3.
-"Papa has to take a time out because he forgot to wash his hands before dinner." Um....2 months ago.
-"My owie hurts." You know, the one you got two weeks ago. It suddenly hurts again.
-"I'm thirsty." Again.
-"I don't want this digger in my bed." Walk in to see that you pulled every single digger of his dresser and now decide you don't want them all there...all 14 of them.
-"Someone's mowing." At 9 pm in the dark? No they're not, Braeden.
-"Is Alex here?" Unless they came 4 days early and took a late night car ride, NO, he is not.
-"My _______ hurts." Fill in the blank.
-"Mommy and Daddy, you're uhposed to go to sweep." We can't because you won't leave us alone.

And the best of all....Drumroll please....

- "I need my whoopie cushion." Despite the fact I haven't seen it for 4.5 months; why does one need a whoopie cushion in bed???

There you have it, the short list.

Would it be wrong to put that crib back together again???

Banner Ad Irony

2009-05-30T12:33:00.003-05:00

For your reading pleasure, I added the banner ads to the righthand side of this blog. Why would I, always so considerate, torture you with these calls to buy shit you don't need or want, or never knew existed? Because I can make money, of course. I've made a whole 3 cents so far. Jump back brothas and sistas...it's all mine. I ain't sharing my vast fortune.

Today, these 2 spectacular trashy ads appear:

Catch Cheating Husbands
Record Emails, IMs & Chat Messages. Easy to Use. "Free Trial!"

Unsatisfied Married Women
These Women are Dying for a Real Man to Satisfy their Needs

WTF!? At first, I was highly offended. I know nothing I've written about my dearest husband would lead the online search engines to assume that I am an unfaithful whore, or that he is a cheating pig.

And then I realized I have yet one more reason to despise John Edwards. I posted about his infidelity and now my fine blog is tarnished with ads equivalent to late night 900 numbers.

Edwards, sleep with one eye open. I may trim your hair while sleeping. And I don't even possess a beautician's license.

Birthday Sex

2009-05-30T12:27:00.005-05:00

No, not us... stop thinking about that. I don't want my sex life in your head.

"Birthday Sex" is a song I just heard on XM. That's actually the title. It's about...birthday sex. I can't make this stuff up. Someone actually wrote a song about copulation on the observance of you being pushed out of the womb in a big, bloody mess. Apparently a song about birthday cake wouldn't pack the same punch.

I, for one, am much more partial to receiving dick in a box. Natch. ;)

Reminder to Self Re: The Dells

2009-05-27T16:30:00.003-05:00

Enclosed is an e-mail I sent out last year to all my peeps regarding our second family trip to the Dells. I had to forward it to someone today and I thought it may be appropriate for my blog, seeing as we are headed there once again in a week and a half....

Things I learned in the Dells this weekend
Sunday, August 24, 2008 9:47 PM

Hello my friends,

Here are some things I learned in the Dells this weekend:

1. Never get the fish fry at Moosejaw.
2. Marley's Taste of the Caribbean, despite what they say, is not a family environment after 8:30 pm. However, if you're looking for a passed out drunk guy with groups of people taking his picture, it's your joint.
3. Give your husband plenty of time to look at the menu. This way, he won't make a rash decision and order something with lobster in it that has no price listed next to it. $40 for mac and cheese with a lobster tail thrown on top? Are you f'ing kidding me???
4. Never go miniature golfing with your child when he is purposely holding his poop.
5. 3 licks of a popsicle on the resort will set you back $3 (Yes, $3 for frozen sugar water). Because after they whine for one for a half hour, their mouths must be too tired to eat it. At this point, I could have poured tequila on it and called it a Margarita. And then, by Dells standards, it would be a cheap drink.
6. Swimming makes kids have to pee. A lot. And the Polynesian Resort is somehow clairvoyant in the fact he's just barely potty trained, so they made sure to put our room the furthest distance from the pool they could. And no, there were no public restrooms closer.
7. Go ahead, look for coupons. Look far and wide, because there are plenty to be had. But you know damn well that the place you are going to will not offer coupons. At least, until after you go there, pay full price, and then LATER look on the back of the hotel map. Well, I'll be dipped in shit, I never thought to look there for coupons to Storybook Gardens.
8. And while you're at it, pay full price for Storybook Gardens to which your child, sweet and darling as he is, doesn't give a damn about the Storybook characters. The ONLY thing he wants to do is take a family ride on the Storybook Gardens 5-minute train ride where the seats are so small your knees are shoved up your nostrils.
9. Never, ever make your husband go to the Outlet mall on your way out of town if he's tired. It's just not fun then, because then he just makes faces as he pushes your WAY TOO BIG child around in the red beetle-bug shaped car stroller that he had to ride in. For 2 seconds.

Believe it or not, we did have a great time but a weekend sure can present it's challenges!!! Keep these things in mind though...I warned you!

Amanda

UGH!!!

2009-05-27T15:45:00.004-05:00

Hi, have you met me? I like to eat when I'm stressed out. In fact, I'm sitting here eating 4 slices of bacon right now. If I weren't low-carbing, I'm pretty sure it would be a bowl of pasta. And a cigarette. Not that they're high in carbs, it's just that I don't have a drink in hand at the moment.

I have grown to be very, very pissed off about certain things. Having a "victim" mentality has never been my style but things have just gotten so fucked up with this damn recession. And the root of all my frustrations is Joe's job. While I will keep "shop talk" to a minimum (good internet etiquette....never know who's reading, ya know!), I will say that his twins get a good kicking on a daily basis. You'd think, in this economy, that employers would work to hold on to those who have proven themselves to BRING IN MONEY, and lots of it. Trim the fat but keep the filet. Not to reduce Joe to a choice cut of meat, but there is no better metaphor. Instead, he continues to see his "benefits" widdle away while they hire additional employees...

So why am I so pissed off? Long ago, in a land not so far away, it was common to work for your coveted benefits. Work hard and earn a salary. Work hard and receive paid time off. Work hard and get good health insurance to vastly aid in paying medical bills.

Fast forward to present day... You are almost better off sitting on your fat, fucking lazy ass...screw working! Then you collect assistance, food stamps, and BADGER CARE!!! Of course, the list of unemployment bennies goes further, but these are the big 3.

Never mind the fact that many people on assistance eat better than I do. Why go to Aldi when you can get brand name LIPTON and not worry about it being more expensive? You needn't count your pennies when it comes to feeding your family!

Never mind the fact that hard working people get up every day and go to work, living for the weekend or those big 2-week paid vacations a year? You know, when they get paid but don't have to go to work? If you're lazy and take advantage of the state, you're living the dream on a daily basis! Every day is a vacation day!!!

Never mind those things. What's really chapping my ass today is the fact that we got a bill in the mail from the Health Care provider stating we need to pay an additional $20 in copay monies as the $30 we already shelled out wasn't enough...the doctor is billing as a specialist. FOR WHAT!? So the nurse practitioner (that's right...didn't even get to see this SPECIALIST I'm apparently going to have to pay for) could agree that yes, the wanna pull the toilet paper holder off the wall burning sensation I was experiencing was in fact a urinary tract infection? No shit, sherlock. I don't need a specialist to tell me that!

What on Earth does this have to do with unemployment leeches (and I am referring to those who take advantage of the system, please don't send me e-mails about how your Dad got laid off last week...you know that's not the same thing...)? The costs of Heath Care are astounding. It makes me sick. We're selective about going to the doctor. I don't have $50 just laying around that I'm easily willing to part with. I make sure I'm damn good and sick before going to the doctor (UTI's don't just cure themselves). And my kid...ha! His ears need to be bleeding. Well, I'm not that heartless but needless to say, we're selective. Yet I know those "in the system" who will see their pediatrician for a hangnail. Not a second thought about it. Why? Because they don't have to worry about the cost.

If I were on Badger Care, you know what I would owe this specialist? I wouldn't owe $50. I'd owe NOTHING. People ask why we don't have another kid? Partially because it's too damn expensive! Nobody would be flipping the bill for me to push one out. We'd be mostly on our own, just like for everything else.

And now that we got kicked in the teeth again, our insurance is changing and we now are responsible for 100% of EVERYTHING until we meet our insanely high deductible. Everything. This is what we've been working so hard for all these years? To see shitty benefits get shittier?

I'm two minutes from telling him to quit his damn job. We can be gypsies. I've always wanted to travel.

Random Thoughts for the Day

2009-05-15T15:42:00.002-05:00

How do dandelions grow over night? Imagine if your hair grew that fast.

Why do I have my endless layering tank tops hanging in my closet when they just get covered up? No one will know if they have fold marks while under something else. And why do I hang them when I so desperately need hangars for my pants? Why do I need more room in my own walk in closet?

Why do all the children I've ever come in contact with use the word "mines" instead of "mine"?

Why do so many people care about John and Kate Plus 8? Why would she admit in "People" magazine their marriage is in trouble? Get rid of the cameras and raise your children instead of worrying about your gigantic paycheck and freebies. One day, they will resent you.

Why would someone who goes to the hospital for a twisted ankle get news she's pregnant? I've never gone in for strep throat and had to take a urine test.

Why do people put those stupid gazing balls in their gardens/yards? It just looks lame. Just like those garden accents made to look like a large woman's girdled behind. Just don't do it.

Why are we the only ones with Round-Up resistant weeds? Die, weeds, die!!!

Why is children's outdoor plastic play equipment so expensive? It's PLASTIC. And if you don't sell it when your kid outgrows it, do you recycle it????

Latest People Poll

2009-05-08T17:06:00.002-05:00

Today's People on-line poll asks who is hotter: Hugh Jackman or Tom Cruise?

Really??? Is it even FAIR to Tom Cruise to ask a RHETORICAL question such as this?

Denial Ain't Just a River in Egypt

2009-05-07T17:50:00.005-05:00

First off, I have strong admiration for Elizabeth Edwards, wife of the only booger with a $400 haircut, John Edwards (you remember him, the one who has had "conversations" with unborn children and is hugely to blame for malpractice suits run amok in this country...oh, and he tried to be VP and later President too). It takes an incredibly strong woman to battle cancer, and when given a terminal diagnosis, hold her head high.

And it takes an incredible dipshit to then cheat on his dying wife and possibly father a child from said affair.

But who am I to judge? I don't know them. I don't know what their marriage was like. I don't want to know. I don't care.

Today, Elizabeth Edwards appeared on Oprah in her first interview since the affair and paternity questions because headlining news some time ago. I'll spare you most of the details and give you the short list:

She was mad at him for having an affair (good start)

She says loving him is complicated but worth it (really?)

She doesn't know if he's the father of the "other woman's" baby and doesn't want to know (huh? If I knew my husband's been checking other women's oil with his dipstick I'd sure as hell want to know if they had a love child)

If it turned out that the child was John's it wouldn't change her life in the least.

This last point is why I'm blogging. It wouldn't change your life in the least???? Really? How is that even possible? I am willing to bet that if "the other woman" (let's call her Lola) goes public with paternity results, that would affect your life. If Lola came knocking on your door with a lawyer asking for $25,000 a month in child support that would affect your life. If your children are harassed at school for having a fungus for a father who gave them a half-brother or sister, that would affect your life. If your husband suddenly, say, got hit by a Mac 10 truck going 90 miles an hour and the courts then legally had to split your massive fortune (accumulated through frivolous malpractice suits) between 4 kids instead of just the 3 you birthed, it would affect your life.

Hold your head high and don't let this beat you. But don't be in denial.

Runner up for jaw-dropping comments... Elizabeth says that if you take this one bad thing John did out of the equation, John was a perfect husband. HUH!? I'm not Dr. Phil, but someone's gotta have questionable morals and values to cheat on his dying wife. Perfect husband and this was the one BAD thing he ever did??? As if this ONE thing isn't bad enough, you mean to tell me he deserves a badge of honor for being a perfect husband?

Final thought...

With as much money as that woman has, THIS is the best style money could buy??? Oprah, hire a new stylist. But I've gotta admit, it's nice to see that money can't buy you out of saggy facial skin and dark circles.

The Town's Gone Mad

2009-05-07T07:37:00.003-05:00

Seriously. Milwaukee has gone crazy for Danny Gokey. If you're not familiar with him, the Robert Downey Jr. lookalike has made it to the top 3 on American Idol. This is exciting stuff as not much excitement, at least of this magnitude, comes out of Milwaukee. Most of the time, when we make the news, it's not much to be proud of. Case in point, Jeffrey Dahmer. Doubt they'd be polishing the Fox 6 signs if he came for a hometown visit. Or maybe they would, considering he got his ass beat to death by a fellow inmate. His resurfacing may be newsworthy...

It's all over the news. Fox 6 has not covered a single news story other than "Danny Gokey Day (tomorrow)" since I turned on the television 1-1/2 hours ago. Even the weather man is gushing about it. I understand that the weather plays an important role tomorrow with all the Gokey activities planned. Concerts at the Harley stage, National Anthem and first pitch at the Brewer's Game, parades, etc... Big stuff, cooperative weather appreciated...

I'm not complaining, really... I like the guy. I've liked him from the beginning. It helps that he's a local boy with a heart-tugging backstory. Very talented. And he's cute, in a good 'ol boy kind of way. It's fun to watch Milwaukee in the spotlight, and it will be so fun next week to watch his hometown visit on Idol. I hope it's a great turnout.

I have just one little problem. I've got a major crush on Adam, a gay crush if you will. I don't care if the guy prefers make up, leather pants, perfectly sculpted eyebrows and other men. I have a crush on him. What would you call that? Gay crush would almost imply I have a crush on another woman. What DO you call it when you're crushing on a gay dude????

A Danny/Adam finale may kill me.

Leisurely Ride

2009-05-05T15:19:00.004-05:00

(Obviously these pictures are not from today, but you have to know what the bike looks like to get a clear picture in your mind)

After not riding my bike one single time last year (who knows why, I even have the spiffy kid trailer attachment...but we musn't forget that last year, 2008, was the year of fatness so exercise was damn near out of the question), we pulled it down from the rafters and took it for a few test drives. Of course, Braeden was more interested in riding his own bike rather than sitting in the trailer. I can't blame him for that...after all, exercise is a good thing for a preschooler with energy to burn (although I'd take the option to sit my lazy ass in a trailer any day). It was adorable the first time. Watching those short legs pedal as fast as they could go is always a treat. He was truly elated by this latest activity. He loved that Mommy had her own bike, even if it didn't have a goofy character face jutting out from the handlebars.

The novelty of the mommy-son excursions is wearing off. Have you ever tried riding your own bike next to a 3-1/2 year old on a tricycle? I didn't think it was possible, but he's even less cognizant of riding in a straight line than he is at peeing in one. "Side of the Road" in preschooler must mean zig-zag wherever the hell you feel like. And "keep pedaling honey" must translate into "stop dead in your tracks." Riding a two wheeler requires much more control than a 3 wheeled happy face bike, and that control is sorely compromised while pedaling at 1.5 miles an hour while trying to look for the bird your son sees 87 miles off in the distance. But he's having the time of his life, so that's all that counts I suppose.

However, I am willing to bet that, to anyone watching, we look like we're on our way home from the bar at 2 am.

Thinking of Jamaica...

2009-05-05T13:50:00.003-05:00

It was about a week ago that Joe told me he'd like to try and take a vacation this fall. We've been talking about going back to Jamaica...it's my favorite place on Earth, after all. But the economy has been about as supportive of this wish as the levies in New Orleans during Katrina. You can imagine my elation when he suggested we should try and go. I've been doing Uppercase Living for nearly a year for this very reason, and with rates as low as they are on travel, maybe it's time to cash in...

I've been trying not to think to much about it as I don't want to get my hopes up. Responsibility needs to come first, so we have a lot to evaluate. But suddenly, today, I could almost SMELL Jamaica. The sun was shining for about ten minutes at the very time I thought of the sandy beaches, warmth and all the sweet umbrella drinks I could handle. I envisioned yummy food and steel drums playing reggae music. I'm telling you... I could smell the chlorine of the pools with the large "Sandals" logo mosaiced (word?) on the bottom.

So what brought on this mental teleportation to the country I hold so dear?

I was disinfecting the powder room toilet. Funny how the smell of bleach can take you from something so nauseating (Braeden misses the toilet bowl on occasion...) to something so exhilarating.

I may never think of toilets the same way again.

PM Bedroom Gallery Commercial

2009-05-05T07:47:00.003-05:00

I realize this may be local, but the latest PM Bedroom Gallery really baffles me. The two brothers (I think) talk about how customers are asking for more place to store stuff and they show the newest design in their furniture...there is a secret drawer hidden underneath a top bureau drawer for hiding valuables such as jewelry.

Isn't that like using a neon sign with flashing arrows and yelling "expensive jewelry here!!!" to potential robbers? Couldn't they have just said "come on in...you won't believe the hidden compartments for storing your valuables?" I suppose it wouldn't have the same "that's cool!" effect....but still. I would want my secret compartments SECRET, know what I mean?

(and thanks to EM for pointing out it's a great place to hide "toys"....maybe that's what they really wanted to say but couldn't...you know, that whole FCC thing and all!!!)

Let's talk Swine Flu, shall we?

2009-05-04T14:54:00.006-05:00

So Oconomowoc has canceled classes for many of it's schools due to the Swine Flue, or the H1N1 virus as some prefer to call it. Don't want to offend the pigs, you know. The goal is to localize any swine flu that the poor High Schooler may have spread. Does this seem logical to ANYONE other than those on the board? Exactly how is this localizing it? By guaranteeing these kids? You were 16 once. Think back...If you had off of school for an entire week, did you sit home, itching your ass and catching up on reading? No. Now these kids are going to the malls and theaters, restaurants and other hangouts instead. So instead of containing the virus in the school, they are spreading it throughout the community. Keep your kids home if you wish, but that should be your decision as a parent and hopefully you'll be there to make sure they keep their butts at home. Instead, the school board made the decision for these parents and now families are scrambling trying to figure out how to deal with it. My guess is most parents aren't taking off work to enforce the quarantine...they can't. Most parents need to work to pay the bills. Therefore, over 1,000 kids are out and about. Brings a new definition to "quarantine", doesn't it?

I'm not a cold hearted bitch. I swear I'm not. I feel for those people who have died from SF complications. But let's be realistic here... most of them live in low-income, overpopulated areas in Mexico. Many kids have never even seen a vaccination for whooping cough or measles. So why should it surprise anyone that the flu ran so rampant there? Sure, it spread to bigger, more modernized areas of Mexico as it ran it's course, but fact still remains that most people who fell the most ill lacked resources to care for themselves.

Hundreds, potentially, dead in Mexico due to Swine Flu. US Deaths = One, and that's even debatable because the poor girl was a Mexican citizen and reports are surfacing that she was visiting South Texas. We're not dropping like flies here. The strain's symptoms are less than many flu bugs we see yearly. Be smart and wash your hands.... Good Hygiene wins again!

People think the health care in America is an abomination and they want socialized medicine to fix it. Mexico has socialized medicine. Hell yeah, obviously it's a much better alternative, Devil Woman Clinton.

I wonder...

2009-04-21T17:46:00.002-05:00

Do cats ever stop and say to themselves, "I feel like Italian for dinner"?????

Fancy Feast unveils their new "Tuscan Inspired" cat entrees.

Amanda's Truth About Motherhood Entry #3

2009-04-16T13:08:00.003-05:00

My Kid Has NO Idea There is Such a Thing as "Kid's Music"

It's true. The sound of bubble-gummy, sweet as molasses tunes make me want to vomit. He knows of certain shows on television where music reigns supreme (Wiggles, Doodlebops...etc) but has absolutely no idea that they actually produce CDs aimed at children. I have XM Radio and only once or twice have I turned on the Disney Kids (out of guilt, of course) and guess what was on? Miley Cyrus. I can hear that on top 40 (if I really wanted to....and I'd rather get a hundred thousand paper cuts on my face than listen to Hannah Montana...yeah, shout out to Weird Al!!!).

It's not that I don't approve of the message or innocence. In fact, I think it's a wonderful thing. Kids are growing up way to fast these days and the longer we can keep them young, the better. However, I thrive on music. I always have. It's my way of just escaping. Rhythm runs rampant in my family (rhythm, not dancing, mind you) and music speaks to us. Listening to John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt speaks to me in ways that make me shudder.

The few times he's heard kids music (Jaime, I'm talking to you) he just blanked out. He was so far tuned out from it, more interested in reading books. I don't know if some of it is above his head, because to be honest, so much kids music isn't so much about kids but about stupid topics that I wouldn't bring up at my dinner table. That same day we had on Disney XM Kids there was a song about a man who farted all the time. I kid you not.

And what about those cheesy Kidz Bop CD commercials that are on every commercial break on Nickelodeon et al? Is it really appropriate for kids to be singing "So What" by Pink? For your reading pleasure, the lyrics of the first verse:

I guess I just lost my boyfriend
I don't know where he went
So I'm gonna spend my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent

I got a brand new attitude
And I'm gonna wear it tonight
I'm gonna get in trouble
I wanna start a fight

I understand that these CDs are probably for kids older than 3-1/2 but the point still remains that they are marketed as Kids music. And stupid people buy them for their young children (no offense if that was you, it's the fault of marketing...I get that).

So what do we listen to in the car??? Whatever I feel like. Braeden likes classic rock and even some hip hop. Sure, not all of it is appropriate but I'm not some boobhead that leaves the station on when any of Flo-Rida's songs come on. Even if it goes way over his head, I doubt the artist is capable of producing any song that isn't about giving head.

Braeden loves the Rolling Stones. He loves the drum song by Kanye West. His favorite all-time song is "Only Time Will Tell" by Asia (WHO??? Yeah, I said the same thing when this all started). He's obsessed with the "horn song." There have been times when we put our foots down and refuse to play it anymore after the tenth time in a 30 minute drive.

Maybe when he gets older I'll bend a little, but for now, I'm selfish in this respect. Besides, I don't want anyone Jingleheimerschmidting around my child.

Could the Next American Idol Be Gay?

2009-04-15T12:24:00.005-05:00

On this "controversial" question being posed right now all over the internet, I have two things to say:

1) Is there anyone out there who actually believes Adam ISN'T gay?
2) Who EFFING cares if he is???

Not to judge a book by it's cover, but look at him. All you have to do is watch the personal segments on him before he sings and he's all but telling everyone he's gay. I cannot believe there is even a glimmer of doubt on this topic.

There are pictures circling like wildfire on the internet of Adam kissing another man. Sigh. Is this what we do with our time now? Judge a person's talent on his sexual preference? I don't mean to get all lib on everyone (and anyone who knows me knows that a liberal I am NOT) but get the hell over it. If you've got talent, that is what you should be judged on. Not whether you prefer a dessert of Twinkies or donut holes.

I will stand up on my very chair and declare myself a HUGE Adam Lambert fan. Every week I look forward to seeing what he's going to do, and only one time did I feel some let down, but not in a "you're not my favorite anymore" kind of way. More so in a "I can appreciate your talent but that was a little weird" kind of way. If you watch the show, I'm sure you know of which week I speak. He is incredibly original and immensely talented. He's entertaining as hell to watch and his voice blows everyone else out of the water. Isn't that why we watch these performers? To be entertained?

I give the highest props to the guy...he's the well-deserved front runner. I only hope that homophobes out there can give credit where credit is due and not try and sabotage this contest for him. You know....by posting stupid pictures intended to ruffle people's feathers. And make up your hypocritical minds... Some of the same sources who celebrated Ellen's wedding to Portia are painting Adam into a very strange and probably uncomfortable, judgmental corner. Apparently it's okay to be America's Lesbian Sweetheart but not America's Homosexual Idol. What, exactly, is the difference? They're both entertainers and hella-good at what they do, what they were apparently put on this very Earth to do. Is it my business, or anyone else's, what they do in their private time? Methinks not.

(oh, and for the record, loving Danny Gokey too. That whole Milwaukee pride thing, you know how it goes!)

My New Favorite Quote

2009-04-09T14:05:00.001-05:00

“Raising children is like being pecked to death by a chicken.” ~ Anonymous

Truer words have never been spoken.

(Thanks to one of my followers for the quote!)

My name is Amanda and I'm An Addict

2009-04-09T13:18:00.007-05:00

I'm addicted to Craig's List. There, I've said it and I feel better. I check Craig's List daily. I cannot believe some of the deals we've gotten on stuff for Braeden, such as a swingset (which I just sold for what we paid for it last year), his first bike (which he rides daily when the weather is nice), and other odds and ends. I hate paying retail for children's stuff because it's just going to get beat up anyways. I'm cheap that way.

Yet every day I am floored by the CRAP people try and sell. 5 stained onesies for $2. Who in their right mind is going to drive to West Bend for 5 used onesies for $2??? Do you know what those stains are? I'll give you a hint...odds are whatever it is spent some time inside a child before it came out. To save $2? What's the gas money going to cost you? Have you heard of Walmart?

Or there are the people who sell things for a "great price" and all you have to do is an ounce of research to realize you can get it for much less and brand new elsewhere.

There's nothing wrong with trying to make some money on things you don't need anymore. However, it is incredibly deceptive to try and sell shit at exorbitant prices. And it's even more snakey to sell FREE shit for a profit.

Case in point?

These stupid taco bell dogs are selling for $10. And the seller is touting that they are new (as evidenced by them still being in the bags). These were promo dogs produced a few years ago by the company. Promo=Free. I know this because my son has one. It's obnoxious and ugly. And did I mention it was FREE?

However, I'm sure the same idiot who thought that the chicken bacon sandwich was healthy will shell out the cash for the dogs.

Yo quiero Taco Bell, my friends!

Are you a total idiot???

2009-04-09T12:33:00.003-05:00

I am frequently amazed at how stupid some people are. Not just your run-of-the-mill stupid, such as forgetting your gym card every time you go to the gym, doing an entire International Dinner's worth of shopping and then getting to register and realizing you didn't bring your wallet, or leaving the faucet on in the plugged laundry basin for 20 minutes while your laundry and mud rooms flood and it rains in your basement. (All of the previously mentioned being my doing)

I'm talking every day, common sense stupid. Every day I log onto Yahoo, which happens to be our home page and just about every other day the featured story is a "good things to know" piece. And every other day, I get sucked into clicking the link and proceed to wonder who in the hell the people are who've gotten through every day of their sad lives without knowing the information.

Articles in the past...

How to burn 500 calories?
Yahoo Answer: Take a spinning class.
Idiot's response: "OOOHHHHH....so I need to EXERCISE to lose weight. That's news to me!"

How to be more organized?
Yahoo Answer: File paperwork.
Idiot's response - "What's a file? Where's the Yahoo article on that?"

How to save money?
Yahoo Answer: Skip the daily latte.
Idiot's response: "But it's only $4 a day. That's not going to add up to anything."

Today's informative article featured the world's worst sandwiches. Is our country really that STUPID to need a list of eatery sandwiches that are bad for our health? One of the winners: Atlanta Bread Company Turkey Bacon Rustica. Who is the schmuck who looked at the menu and thought that was a healthy alternative to other selections? Does said blockhead not know that BACON is bad for you? Does this person go to Burger King and opt for the fried chicken sandwich slathered in mayo because, well....it's chicken, and chicken is good for you?

UGH. Common sense folks, common sense.

Amanda's Truth About Motherhood Entry #2

2009-04-07T16:00:00.004-05:00

My Kid was 3-1/2 Before He Gave Up the Nuk

I am a total spaz about certain things, and the nuk was one of those triggers for me. I did NOT want a child who was chained to the nuk, pacifier, binky, etc. So from the time he was 9 months old, we stopped carrying one with us in public places. He was allowed to have his nuk in the carseat, at home, and in his crib. When he learned to walk, he was limited to the car and his crib. I felt like a hardass, but it's what we felt we needed to do in order to make sure he never developed a habit outside of sleeping.

However, he could have as many as he wanted in the crib. At one time, we had 12 nuks in the corner, on a blanket, so that when one fell between the slats and onto the floor, there was always another for him to find. Gone were the mid-night wakings, wailing for his nuk, and one of us having to go and retreive it. Problem solved!

Joe and I talked for months (years) about getting rid of it. But the truth of it all was that we were in no hurry. Braeden is/has always been a fantastic sleeper. And when I say that, I mean the kid BEGGED to go to sleep. Aside from seeing his blanks (another entry, another time), he got to use his beloved nuk. 8:30 pm - 8 or 9 am, not a peep. I loved the nuk as much as he did (I reaped the benefits of his sleep too) and deep down, I dreaded the day when it would go bye-bye.

So I let him keep it. For 3-1/2 years. The kid is in preschool, for the love of God.

The nuk fairy, at Braeden's suggestion, came to visit our house last Thursday and took all the nuks from the bag we hung in the tree and took them all to babies who needed them. It was actually very cute, albeit terribly frightening for me. What would happen to his sleep? My sleep?

The event came and went without much trouble, he's adapted just fine and is still sleeping perfectly. He was more ready than I was, I guess. We have been nuk free for 5 nights now and I'm glad it's done with....

BTW, The nuk fairy left a chainsaw as a parting gift. What happened to quarters, such as those the tooth fairy used to leave????

Amanda's Truth About Motherhood Entry #1

2009-04-07T15:58:00.003-05:00

DVR = Sleep

We DVR episodes of Scooby Doo (all incarnations...Scooby Doo - Where are You?, Pup Named Scooby Doo, What's New Scooby Doo) and Curious George for Braeden to watch in the morning if he gets up too early. I love sleeping and if that Great Dane can give me an extra 20 minutes, so be it. No, we do not have a limit of television hours in our house.

"The Truth About Motherhood"

2009-04-07T15:37:00.005-05:00

I used to enjoy watching Oprah. After all, I am a stay at home mom, and that's what we do, right? Sit around watching Oprah and eating bon-bons. No bon-bons for me. And ever since Oprah crawled up Obama's ass and built herself a soapbox up there, I've chosen to forgo my even most random viewings.

But the previews for yesterdays episode intrigued me so I tuned in. It was all about the ugly truth of Motherhood. The completely and totally unglamorous side that no one wants to talk about for fear of being judged or ridiculed. Sounds somewhat heavy, doesn't it? Well, it wasn't. It was downright hilarious.

I cannot tell you how many times I have begun venting about my life as a mother to someone and stopped myself mid-story or even mid-sentence. I work part time in a day care at an athletic club and deal with mothers every day who seem to have it all together. Some women with 4 or more children! I have friends who have children and always seem so put together. They appear to love every minute of being a mother and make it look so easy. And I stop myself mid-sentence because that is not me.

I doubt myself daily on my abilities as a mother. I love Braeden and wouldn't trade being a mother for the world. But is it my ENTIRE life? No. Is it easy? No. Do I enjoy every minute of it? HELL NO.

(and let me interject here that even as I type this, Braeden is choosing this as the perfect opportunity to need 100% of my attention to show me that the fabric measuring tape slides under a closed door...never a moment's peace)

I really thought that I was of some freakish rare breed, a breed of women that lacks that certain maternal mindset to morph into SuperMom. Apparently I'm not alone. Hallelujah!!! Turns out that there are scores of women out there who do what they can just to get by, just to make it through the day. The smiles on their faces are not because they love their job, but often times a front. Doesn't mean that we would rather not have children. It's just that there is so much "mom" talk out there, and with the media and internet at our fingertips, it's so much easier to stack ourselves up against others. And with all that comparison, it's simple to feel like we're failing.

I am thrilled beyond reason that I DVR'd the show as it put things into major perspective for me. I am REAL. I've always claimed to be a real mom, not some facade of what a mom should be. My kid has cried it out. He had mashed potatoes at 4 months old, before he'd even eaten Gerber vegetable purees. Sometimes he watches hours of television a day just so I can do laundry, make dinner, or heaven forbid....RELAX!!! Scooby is our best friend, our loyal (free) babysitter.... He eats chocolate. He's worn the same shirt 3 days in a row because it had Scooby on it and he wanted to wear it, despite the tomato sauce stains...

There is so much that others just didn't tell us before we became moms. A little heads-up would have been nice!!!! I love this topic so much that I think I'm going to try and do a series of blog entries about being a real mother. The ugly truth of things that every other "real" mom can identify with. Things you can stand up for and shout "I've DONE that!!!!!" (a woman spotlighted on Oprah's show started this whole real mom blog thing...great idea!) If anything, it may be therapeutic to me and others to know that we're all in the same boat. We're not perfect and we shouldn't need to feel the pressure to be. Years ago, it wasn't like this (or so I've been told). They did the best they could. Motherhood is a real bitch at times, and I love that the dialogue has begun. Time to get real, ladies!!!!

April Fools Day Part 2 - Cupcakes!

2009-04-02T12:50:00.002-05:00

A while back, I read about a book called "Hello Cupcake" and thought it was the cutest concept I'd ever heard. Making cupcakes look like things they are not sounded like so much fun! Of course, I am the furthest thing from a baker but it sounded so easy and the book was cheap on Amazon.com, so I splurged.

And the book sat in my cookbook collection for nearly a month, untouched.

I hate baking. Loathe it. I never do it right. I follow the directions to a "T" and somehow something always gets hosed up. Take yesterday for example... I hosted Bunco and decided to make these Chewy Coconut Bars that everyone loves. I've had success with them in the past and they're easy. When I was supposed to pull them out of the oven, they still seemed underdone, so I left them in there an extra 10 minutes. I even got nervous I overcooked them! But after they sat on the counter top cooling for two hours, I cut into them to find that they were still gooey in the middle. And by gooey, I mean RAW. How could this be? Knowing I couldn't serve them as is, I decided to throw them back in the oven and double bake them. I didn't even know if that was possible, because isn't baking a chemical reaction of sorts? Well, I baked the crap out of them AGAIN and it actually seemed to work. They weren't as good as normal, but they weren't giving anyone salmonella anytime soon.

So why I thought I'd be able to make these crazy cupcakes, I'm not sure. But Tuesday afternoon I decided it was time to dive in. Braeden and I went and got all the necessary ingredients and I made a double batch, some for dinner with my dad that night, some for the kiddies at the daycare at the gym, and the rest for Bunco. The house looked like a warzone when Joe got home (and he retreated to the basement just to get away from it all) but I worked my butt off to accomplish the task at hand. That day, I was a BAKER!

And here was my "April Fools Day" surprise:

Get it? It's spaghetti and meatballs. Cute, hey? Unfortunately, my close up pictures didn't turn out so hot (new camera a few months ago and we still haven't read the manual...didn't for the last one either). They were a hit!!! Unfortunately, the "sauce" started to melt the pasta over time but you still get the gist.

For the pasta, you just squeeze frosting out of a ziploc bag with the corner snipped. The sauce is Reduced Sugar Strawberry preserves, and the meatballs are Ferrero Rocher candy. It was a totally fun treat.

Now I'm feeling more confident and think I'm going to make some for Easter. Braeden wants the ones with the bunny butts sticking out of the grass patches. I'll post on that later, if it happens!!!

April Fools!!!

2009-04-02T12:38:00.004-05:00

I really hate this "holiday". It serves absolutely no purpose except to make total asses out of everyone. While I think some of the harmless pranks would be fun to pull, I would never EVER dream of pulling them on my dearest better half. Although he is the funniest man I know, his sense of humor regarding being the butt of a joke is non-existant. And any prank that I could think of (or was brought up to me) would not go over well.

Telling him I'm pregnant. (Probable Reaction: Joy then overwhelming anxiety because his employer just handed down the shittiest of all shitty health care plans)

Taping the spray head of the kitchen faucet so it would shoot at him when he turned the water on. (Probable Reaction: "Water intrusion is nothing to joke around about, Amanda.")

Saran Wrap on the toilet seat (Probable Reaction: An hour of him angrily scrubbing the floor and toilet followed by a trip to the local hardware store to find something suitable for cleaning pee splatters off of drywall)

Dumping cold water over the shower doors. (Probable Reaction: Flailing about which would result in him losing his footing and come crashing through the glass doors, falling on top of all the shards and then being rushed to the emergency room.)

No, none of these things would do. He is a good sport about most stuff, but why would I pull anything on him that I wouldn't want pulled on myself???

April Fools Day is just silly.

Ah, to be a weatherman...

2009-03-24T15:07:00.004-05:00

edit: Updated forecasts are calling for the heavy rain to hit throughout the evening instead of during the day as called for before. So this post will most likely be stupid on my part. But it's still partly true...

Today we were supposed to get rain. Not just your run of the mill rain, but an ass-slapping downpour. 2-2.5 inches, to be exact. Our little section of SE Wisconsin's map was a lovely shade of spring-like purple.

What did we get????

A gentle rain that turned on and off for most of the morning and then depressing gray. Our sidewalks are already drying up. The pines are laughing.

This is par for the course though, as yesterday we were supposed to have a chance of morning showers and then clearing in the afternoon.

What did we get???

A day of steady rain. Not drizzle, but rain. Rain that pounds on your windshield so hard you can't hear the person on the other end. They can hear the rain too. That kind of rain.

It's often a topic of conversation about the weathermen's (weatherpeople, I should say....) continual inaccuracy. "If only we could all be weathermen...only get our jobs right 50% of time." Someone's ALWAYS guaranteed to say it when the subject arises (while thinking they are the first to ever utter such wit). True, but I'm not unreasonable and I took enough courses throughout my education to know that weather patterns can be unpredictable. The atmosphere is not some constant, like a book that reads the same at all times. But is it too much to ask for them to be a LITTLE right?

I guess you could argue that they WERE. They did predict rain on both days and we got that, just not in the order they reported on, incessantly, for the past 48 hours. "A Storm is A-Coming!" (okay, so I just channeled my inner Sophia)

So here's what they're forecasting for Friday... "Times of clouds and sun." WTF??? Seriously? Have they just resigned themselves to the fact that they pretty much suck and won't get it right, so they'll just make things as broad as possible? Considering the Solar System hosts a sun, and clouds are often present, this seems like a safe bet I guess. One of them is more than likely going to make an appearance.

Unless we get 12 inches of snow, which will probably happen.

Bangs: Redux

2009-03-22T20:55:00.002-05:00

Scratch the previous post. I am LOVING my new bangs. Of course, I don't have pictures of them because that would mean I'd actually shower and look presentable...considering I was stuck to the couch for 2-1/2 days due to the flu, that wasn't happening. But my dearest Jaime will hopefully be sending me pictures from the bachelorette party last weekend so maybe I'll post them then. And maybe a few others???

Just know that it won't be MY ass in a too-tight thong you'd be seeing. Nah, I wouldn't post them. Even if I don't know the woman that well... You can thank me now.

It's not her fault, but that woman sucks...

2009-03-12T21:22:00.003-05:00

The woman in the picture of my previous blog entry. She is beautiful, and she has cute hair. I had Megan cut my bangs the exact same way and I SOOOO don't look like that. I've played with my hair for some time now and found a way to do it where I actually like it, but that entire idea of keeping my hair the same only changing the bangs is out the window. At least until they grow out a little. Maybe a BIT TOO SHORT.

Fancy Hair Follow-Up - Going to be Spontaneous!!!

2009-03-11T12:16:00.003-05:00

No, that is NOT me. I'm WAY hotter than that. (shut up)

I absolutely love the way my highlights turned out. Julie did a great job with the color. So it's got me more excited about my hair and now I think I need another change. I've had the sidesweep bang thing for a few years now (a few variations, but still the same concept) and am looking at new trends. It's always hard for me to try a new hairstyle as I never know what my hair is going to cooperate with. I found the picture above and absolutely LOVE it. My hair is somewhat similar on the sides already (shorter thought) so the only real difference is the bangs. I don't even care if the bangs are workable for me or not...I've already called Megan and booked an appointment for tomorrow to have it done.

I am so excited!!! Wish me luck. Hope that I don't turn out looking like a Shih Tzu.

Fancy Hair

2009-03-09T15:16:00.003-05:00

My neighbor Julie was kind enough to highlight my hair this afternoon. It's only been over 6 months since I had any sort of color done. It's easy to get away with that in the winter as nobody gives a crap what you look like as they're all too grumpy about the weather to care. But in Spring, you gotta be fresh.... (okay, it's not exactly spring yet, but Vince Condella said meteorologically, it is...)

I've always gone to the salon to get it done with my girl Megan and since I've found her, nobody else is allowed to touch my hair (see previous post regarding haircuts). However, tough economy calls for tough measures, and the $70 or so it would cost for highlights just isn't in the budget. Thank God for beautician friends!!!

Anyhoo, I never brought Braeden with me to the salon when I get highlights as it just takes too long. He's seen me have hair ripped from my face by way of hot wax, but never with a head covered in foil. Part of the greatness of the neighbor situation is that I can get the process done at home...how cool is that?

As you can imagine, his reaction when she started wrapping my hair in foils was pretty gosh darn funny. It was like his little mind was working on this, wondering why something that is usually used for food is being put in my hair. We explained, many times, that I was getting my hair lightened. He knows the difference between light and dark, so this seemed a logical explanation, and he actually accepted it.

When I took him up to bed for a nap, head wrapped in foil, he said "when I get up, then I'll see your fancy hair." Fancy hair???? What does this mean? Does this mean that Mommy needs to take more pride in herself, as her normal hair is not "fancy"? Does it mean that any time I put even 5 minutes worth of time into my hair that I'm going above an beyond? That I normally look dreadful and a new hair color would make me, once again, presentable?

Or does it just mean that he loves me and knows how excited I am to be having this done?

I hope it's the latter. Unless, of course, he didn't understand the concept of lighter hair and just thinks from now on I'll have foil in my hair. Foil = Shiny. Shiny=Fancy?????

Today Marks Our 4 Year Anniversary!

2009-03-05T12:50:00.005-06:00

I can hardly believe it, but today, March 5th, marks our 4th wedding anniversary. It's weird because while it seems like it was just yesterday, it also feels like it's been an incredibly LONG 4 years. Weird how timelines can be so conflicting like that...

I think about all that's happened in the past 4 years and I'm blown away at the pace of life. We lost my mom shortly after our wedding which was incredibly hard. Braeden was born that September and was colicky as hell. We built a house and our first home together sat on the market for a year, to the day... We've made amazing friends in our new subdivision, people I know will always be in our lives. We traveled to Mexico. We took our first of several "family" mini vacation to the Dells with Braeden. I started my own Uppercase Living business which Joe is very supportive of. I got a part time job at the Athletic Club I belong to. Braeden started preschool this winter and is thriving. We watched our investments climb to exciting levels and saw them drop drastically. We became Godparents to my sister's son. We've spent 3.5 years raising a son who is, thus far, incredibly compassionate, funny, loving, smart and we spend so much time talking about how he's going to turn out...hoping we're doing right by him.

Most people would probably sit and type out an emotionally charged entry about how great married life is and how happy they are. I'm more of a realist than that, and I love that about myself. Marriage is not easy. Living with the same person in a union year after year is incredibly challenging as once the honeymoon (figurative and literal) are over, you are faced with life's daily grinds. There are struggles, things you wish happened differently, concessions you sometimes need to make and tough decisions that you don't always agree on. I don't think marriage is easy, and anyone who gloats differently has their head up their ass.

But I'll tell you what I think marriage IS.... It's an evolution. It's an evolution where you move from who you used to be to who you are today. Because of my husband, I am a strong woman. I am a supporting wife and loving mother. I cannot imagine being anywhere except right here, right now. Good and bad.

It's not the same as it used to be, but we've evolved. We no longer make out in bars (thank God for all in our company) or get drunk 5 out of 7 nights a week because we don't know what else to do. We don't lay around all day on Sundays anymore because we have different responsibilities. We don't eat out 5 nights a week anymore because the best time of the day is when Braeden's eyes light up listening to Daddy talk at the dinner table over a simple meal I've put together. Sometimes the biggest fire in our bedroom is a heated conversation over what a farce the local news is.

In the past 4 years, Joe has gotten to know me better than anyone else and I love that. We are so in sync at times it's almost scary...sometimes I'd like my thoughts to be private but he often seems able to read them. He knows what makes me tick, he knows how to spoil me, and he knows how to be supportive. And I, in turn, know the same about him. And although I am often a nag (by my own admission), he loves me anyways, even if he doesn't remember that at that given moment. It often slips my mind that I love him too when he's being unreasonable or pessimistic. But we always come back to the same spot and remember how much we love each other. We're a REAL couple, not two people putting on a front of perfection. We have ups and downs and always will. But I'll take them. For him, I will take them.

So here, 4 years later Joe, I love you completely with everything that I am. I cannot imagine my life without you and now, while stress is high thanks to our dismal economy, know that I will ALWAYS be there for you. You will always be my guy, and I look forward to all the years we have yet to share...

Boys Will Be Boys

2009-03-04T12:11:00.003-06:00

Boys love farts. It's just a fact. They sound funny, smell gross and elicit interesting reactions from others in the vicinity. I sometimes wonder if there isn't some secret, extra chromosome that boys have predisposing them to becoming fartoholics.

Braeden probably couldn't sing all the words to "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", even though we sang it every night for his first 3 years of life. But he sure knows the ever-popular twist (written by my husband) on said song, entitled "Stinky Stinky Stinky Farts."

I don't think Joe farts more than the average man (and won't he love me for blogging about this) but Braeden thinks it's hilarious. In fact, everyone in Mukwonago and surrounding areas has now heard Braeden announce, as though he were calling everyone to dinner, that his "daddy is so funny. My daddy farts ALL THE TIME!" Spasms of laughter always follow. The post office. The waitresses. The check out ladies. The ladies at the gym. My manager. Our family. The bank tellers. The barber (he even smiled, which is really quite a feat for the rather stern looking gentleman). Everyone. What a kid.

Maybe it's not that the farts that make him laugh...it could be that Joe always announces "Does anyone hear a duck?" and then lets one rip. He'd kill them on Comedy Central, right?

Now I, the Mother figure, am working on getting Braeden to say "excuse me" after he farts. Manners are a tricky thing with preschoolers. About 1 in 10 times he'll remember to excuse himself. As of recently, the 9 remaining times I hear "does anyone hear a duck?"

Boys.

My Final Word on the Bachelor

2009-03-04T12:05:00.004-06:00

So a TVGuide.com poll resulted in 60% of respondents answering "Jason Mesnick is a bastard." The poll choice simply echoed his final choice Melissa's very own words, but still...that's a little harsh, no?

I don't agree with him dumping her on national television. That was simply despicable. Whether or not she knew it was coming, I find it inexcusable. For all the talk about how these are real people and real lives at stake, Jason sure didn't take this into consideration. He says he had to follow his heart and that's fine...I agree with that. Don't lead her on, be a man and end it. But dude, could you do it in the privacy of your own home instead of in front of millions of onlookers? That's not following your heart - that's just being an ass. Jason was the most beloved Bachelor, perhaps in the history of the show, and for most people, he managed to tarnish that image in 5 minutes. That's pretty amazing.

So Molly and he are still together and are happy...blah blah blah. Whatever is in their future, I'm glad I won't have to watch anymore.

I would NEVER play second fiddle to another woman!!!! You hear that, MOLLY!!!???

2009-03-03T13:22:00.010-06:00

(Kind of immature but so well deserved)

Last night was the finale of Jason Mesnick's season of "The Bachelor" as well as the first of a 2 part "After the Final Rose" event. A few posts ago, I blogged about a fart named Reality Steve who spilled the beans on the show's "most dramatic" conclusion ever. I didn't really WANT to look but I hate surprises and needed to. Kind of like I NEED a necklace and handbag to go with every outfit....

I never really doubted him as he, in his own ill-performed way, seemed confident in his story. I guess he's well reputed in the reality tv world (who knew there could be such a person?) so it stands to reason, I suppose, that he wouldn't put his rep on the line and give away an ending he wasn't 100% sure of. If only we all had that kind of time to devote to a dying television art form. Oh crap, and here I'm blogging about it...

Anyways, as told, Jason walked Molly hand-in-hand toward the curb and then kicked her to it. He then lost control of himself in a fit of tears and emotion. Kind of weird, really, considering he just broke up with her because he's "completely in love with another woman" (or some other dribble like that). If I was the chosen one, I'd be like "Listen up, mother f$#%@&.... Why the hell do you care so much about letting go of her if you love me?" Nothing like making you second guess where your man's heart is to have him breakdown about not being able to make out with 2 babes anymore.

So he proposes to Melissa and she squeals like a Pomeranian, they jump in the pool with Ty, his son (well, how did YOU celebrate your engagement? With a glass of wine? How boring!) and talk about how much in love they are and how great the future is going to be.

For 6 weeks.

Then fade to "After the Final Rose" and Chris Harrison announcing what we've had shoved down our throats for the past 3 weeks... What we are about to see is potentially so shocking that they filmed on a closed set. Jason walks out, looking forlorn and beaten, and tells us the shocking news...

He doesn't love Melissa anymore. He's going to break up with her.

Now, had I not known this previously, I still would have laughed my ass off (burned a few extra calories I suppose). Who really expects these Bachelor relationships to work out? There's Trista and Ryan, of course, but they're one of like 13 seasons. That's a 7.7% success rate. Even for weathermen, that's not good...

So what's the logical thing to do? According to Jason, it's to break up with Melissa ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. WTF!? First off, WHO actually thought this was a good idea? The producers? If so, that further perpetuates the feeling Joe has that all television producers should rot in hell. Did Jason think this was a good idea? Who knows, but odds are that the contract he signed was so iron-clad and he had to do everything the hellbound producers wanted, short of sacrificing Ty to the Reality Gods.

So after he breaks it to Melissa (no pun intended) that they are over, she calls him a "bastard" and tells him "not to call or text me anymore." He tells her that he can't stop thinking about his second choice, Molly. Uh oh. I give her credit...if this was real, I don't know how she didn't pummel his ass into tomorrow. I would have. On national tv!? Really, Jason!

After she leaves the set, they bring out Molly and Chris does everything but stamp it on her damn (unusually large and shiny) forehead that Jason is going to ask for a second chance. After claiming that she was in mourning for some time but is now okay, she says she's actually dreamt that would happen and that she does actually still love him. He comes out, all slithery, and in what could be the most akward moment in RT history, says something to the effect of "I was wondering, like, if we could give it another shot."

I think my first boyfriend said that to me. We were 10.

After watching this last night, I really think the sidebar prediction Reality Steve had about this entire season being scripted may be spot on. He claims that right off the bat, Jason knew it was going to be Molly, but he had to play along with the producers' game because of the Bachelor contract. If so, Melissa was a pawn in this unfortunate series of events. Listening to the dialogue, reading the body language (knew those college courses would pay off one day!), the bad acting, all of it together spelled SCRIPTED. Damn them all for thinking we're all idiots. All 42 million of us idiots that probably tuned in last night.

But here's what stumps me most about this whole thing... Molly's reaction. She sat, looking stumped, but the more he yammered on about how he made a mistake, the more she ate it up. By the end, I swear I that I thought she was going to propose to HIM. What kind of self-appreciating woman would be OK with this? He chose another woman, claimed he was head over heels in love with her, brought her into his young son's life and spent 6 (count 'em, SIX) weeks with her before deciding, nope, this ain't happening. It isn't working out with number 1, so I'm going to give number 2 a shot.

What woman says, Hell Yeah! Let's do this! Does she realize that she's his LEFTOVERS? There isn't a girl on Earth who is okay with that, unless, she's like imbalanced or something. And her stupid grin last night may have indicted that is the case.

Tonight is Part 2 and they promise there's one more surprise in store. What? He gave Molly 3 weeks and decided that after all this, he still loves Deanna? And who could actually believe her nerve showing up last night telling him SHE wanted a second chance? What's the name of this show again? "What's for Dinner Tonight? Last Night's Meatloaf!"????

Run away Jillian...fast as you can!!!!

Anxiously awaiting tonight's pure absurdity...

Have you ever licked the bowl...

2009-03-03T13:14:00.004-06:00

(on a side note, when I initially typed the title to this I mistyped "bowl" and typed "blow" instead...Good Lord!)

Let's try this again....Have you ever licked the bowl clean after mixing cake batter and thought, "cripes, I could eat a pound of this goodness"??? Yes you have. Don't pretend you haven't, we all have. Why does cake batter taste better than the actual cake? When licking the spatula, I've often thought about how I could eat the entire mix instead of baking it, kind of like Jodi and I did in college. We hate damn near half the brownie batter and then baked the remainder...ever seen a 1/8" tall brownie? At least, I think it was Jodi?

I've been on a combination of Nutrisystem/Slimfast for a few weeks now, and only drinking SF because I don't have enough NS breakfasts to get me through. I tried the French Vanilla flavor this morning and the first few drinks I was in heaven. I kid you not, it is vanilla/yellow cake batter.

By the end of the glass, I was gagging it down. Guess I wouldn't be able to eat the whole bowl after all. Who knew you could ACTUALLY have too much of a good thing?

They Fit!! They Fit!!!

2009-02-26T16:57:00.002-06:00

My favorite pair of jeans actually fit my butt when I tried them on today. I am so unbelievably excited! I've been exercising religiously for the past 1-1/2 months after only doing it half-assed since July or so. And then I decided to finish all my Nutrisystem food about a week and a half ago. I blogged about THAT below.

But everything is apparently coming together and my favorite jeans, uncomfortably SNUG (that's being kind) two weeks ago, actually fit today.

I'm so happy right now, and hoping everything keeps going this well. I feel great, love what I'm doing and am looking forward to wearing my walk-in closet full of clothes with confidence once again!!!!

The Great Hamburger Helper Debate

2009-02-26T13:15:00.004-06:00

I post somewhat regularly (not a lot but I read it every day) on a message board filled with women who have children born in September of 2005. It's been a great resource for me since a lot of the women have older children and have already gone through all this craziness.

Currently there is a great debate going on over Hamburger Helper. Cripes, I can't even call it a debate as there is no debate taking place.... Someone asked our opinion of it and every single post, except for mine, has been scathing of the product.

Let me put this out there... We eat it. Not a lot, but we eat it. And you know what? We enjoy it. Yes, we are WELL aware of the fact that it is not healthy. There are many other choices we could make but sometimes I just want me some Strohganoff Hamburger Helper.

I ate so much HH when I was pregnant that we were afraid Braeden would be Lasagna flavored. 10 for $10 at Pick 'N Save was like winning the lottery for me. It was easy and I didn't feel like doing a whole lot, so it fit the bill.

Our house is filled with very healthy choices. I am very proud of the fact that we're raising Braeden to know the goodness of whole wheat bread, fruits and vegetables, olive oil, etc. He is a STELLAR eater. I cook with a ton of fresh ingredients and belong to many healthy eating websites where I get fantastic recipes.

Braeden is not allowed to snack on Hostess and he doesn't want to. He doesn't drink soda because he doesn't want to...he'll chose water. He told me he didn't like his sandwich one day at lunch because the bread was weird...we had a loaf of white bread left over from some visiting friends ~ He's used to whole wheat. One of his favorite snacks is carrots and RF italian dressing. Last night he forwent an Oreo (from his Dad) in favor of an apple. Did I mention he's 3????

Our diet is awesome 90% of the time. So if the other 10% is filled with things like special trips to McDonald's, pizza, or God forbid...Hamburger Helper, I'm okay with that. I'll sleep just fine at night. I'm not poisoning him. It doesn't make me less of a Mother.

I'm curious...is this an instance where the only people who post are ones who have something negative to say? They say that about reviews. Are all the HH eaters hiding for fear of being slapped with a stupid stick? Or are the Janiks some freakish rarity that enjoy box dinners from time to time? Do YOU eat it? Or do you think I should be commmitted?

Now, I have to go clean up from Braeden's lunch of a peach, broccoli and veggie pasta with tomoato sauce. Ssssshhhhhh....don't tell anyone but it was white pasta.

When I Actually WANTED him to be Interested in the Box...

2009-02-25T16:46:00.003-06:00

I think it's a universal thing that toddlers enjoy playing with the boxes more than the actual toy itself that came in the box. Frustrating, but that's life. I think by 3 that they outgrow that. Or should...

Not mine. He loves boxes. Braeden doesn't care about toys. He has tons of them and there they all sit, in his playroom, begging to be picked up, tossed about, thrown, etc... I think Braeden figures he doesn't need toys when he has his parents. After all, he can jump and climb on us, make us laugh, chase us, follow us around, yell for us when we're on the phone, whine to us...and we still love him. Who needs toys?

So we got the new lamp we've been waiting for today. I ordered it two weeks ago from a fantastically cheap website. We already have the same lamp and it's floor counterpart, but our great room is still incredibly dim. It's two stories tall, after all.... It came in a huge box, just PERFECT for a kid with a good imagination.

If you find that kid, send him my way.

I gave Braeden crayons and tried helping his color his box. Maybe it could be a fort? Or a racecar like I made when I was a kid? Or construction equipment? A house? A bus? He didn't want to color it. He wanted to cut it. As you can imagine, safety scissors won't cut cardboard so I did it for him with a boxcutter. He wanted a window on top (while the box was on it's side) so he could pop out the top of it. Okay, sounds like fun!! A sunroof!

I do as told and then he begins climbing in. I hear "Eww!!! A 'trings' in there!" Translation, "Eww!!! I'm totally freakishly "particular" like my dad and there's a STRING in there!!!!" I look inside...it's glue they used to help keep the box shut. It's at the far end of the box. It's not hanging inside the box like the guts of a pumpkin. It's stuck to the bottom of the box and it's not coming off. It's only a few swirls.

He asks me but I explain that I am much too big to climb in the box and scrape the glue off. He attempts to climb in again with blanks (blanket) to "swat" the glue away. No go. He takes my Swiffer Duster from the cabinet and swiffers the glue and is upset that didn't work. He asks me to cut that wall off to rid the box of the deadly and vengeful glue. I explain I cannot as the box will then collapse. He wants to send Girlie in the box to lick the glue off. You have to know my answer to that. So the solution to all of this was easy...

Braeden is now watching Scooby Doo and the super cool box is going in the garage to be torn up and recycled.

Hate to See What Would Happen if He Died

2009-02-25T15:04:00.003-06:00

The Biggest Loser is truly the only show that inspires me. Every season (for which there is no break between, I don't think) I am incredibly motivated and excited to start/keep up my fitness routine. The contestants are such inspirations!!!

But I have to admit (a teeny tiny bit) that I love Bob Harper. He is kind, generous, caring, supportive, and perhaps a bit gay...but I can't say that for sure. And I can't say "I hope not" either because even if he were straighter than that that watery path in Gibraltar, what would I do about it???

But last night's episode was just hilarious. If you saw it, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The producers, once again proving that they'd go for drama over heart any day, decided to mix things up and switch up the teams. At first I thought "hey, big deal, at least you're still training!" But then I thought about the poor pudgies (and I mean that affectionately) going from Bob's team to Jillian's. It's like going from a modern kindergarten teacher to Sister Theresa's 1952 classroom. At first you're cozy and loved and supported and then BAM....you're paddled to a bloody pulp by someone who claims they're doing it for your own good.

Tough Love from Jillian:

"Pain is not your friend, pain is just pain."

"Let's see, how can I describe the last chance workout,...Beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, beatings, .... And when we're done with that...some more beatings!!"

"I believe in blood, sweat and tears."

BUT....then I got past feeling pity for them. When the sappy music started and the contestants started whining, Sione pulled his hood over his head and crossed his arms like a big stupid baby, everyone was crying...there was a slow-motion montage of Bob working with his former teammates. And then it happened....Bob Harper lost control. He was shedding tears like I do at bartime. There were moments when he couldn't even talk he was so choked up. There was a giant (wink) group hug as they all said goodbye and then Bob encouraged them to go on with their lives and train hard.

What in the SAM HELL???????? Who the hell died? People, Bob's RIGHT ACROSS THE GYM FROM YOU!!!! He may not be training you but take your girlie panties off and remember WHY you're there....not for warm fuzzies but to lose that flab!!! I'm not saying it was easy to work with a new trainer and yes, I understand, it was emotional. They've built bonds and relationships. It was cruel on the part of the show to do that...anything for ratings. I wish we'd just stick to the point of the show...losing weight, not creating drama. But....

These people are so lucky and I absolutely love the cast this season. They all make me work harder and I think each one is so sincere in their desire to make a better life through health. They've been given a gift and talk about looking the gift horse in the mouth...

Jillian made a great point when she said this was incredibly advantageous because contestants were going to learn 2 different methods for overall health... True up, Satan's sister. You'd think they were all sent home and forced to do it the way we're all forced to do it...on our own. Wow, did they piss me off.

Sione saying he worked but didn't want to work that hard because it was Jillian training him and he didn't care as much. About what???? About your health? About losing weight? About not having your nose up Bob's ass anymore? You love Bob $250,000 worth????

I really hope that editing just made it look that ridiculous, but even editing can't make up the conversation and tears that took place. It happened. I just hope they pulled themselves together and will now learn to work as a team, a new team...

Can you even imagine if this is how we behaved at work and we got a new boss???? "But I don't want to work for you even if I learn more skills and expand my resume!!!! I don't want to be worth more money!!!! I don't want to work with my new coworkers!!!! I want my mommy!!!!" *stomps on floor, crosses arms defiantly, pouts and hunches over*

Excuse me while I boast but....I was right!

2009-02-24T14:33:00.004-06:00

Friday the 13th tanked on it's second weekend in theaters, earning just short of 9 million dollars. Compared to it's 40.5 million dollar opening weekend, this is a drop off of 80.4%.

Let me tell you what that means...it means that the shitpile that was the F13 remake now claims 6th place on the Biggest Second Weekend Drop Off list of all time. Imagine how many movies have been made in cinematic history... Only 5 movies tanked more severely their second weekend, Gigli and Return to the Blue Lagoon being two of them.

Of course, considering it costed under 20 million to make, it's still a success. But my oh my, word spreads fast!!!

The Family Size that Satisfies.....What family!?

2009-02-21T19:08:00.004-06:00

Pick 'N Save really irks me. I don't know who their buyers are, but they NEVER have the Oncor Salisbury Steaks that my husband and son so adore. I know, the thought makes me shudder too...pressed "meat" patties swimming in gravy that, if left out for an hour or two, completely congeals into brown sludge. Sounds tasty, doesn't it? Yeah, not to me either...

But the boys love them. Braeden, when left to his own devices, will devour three patties himself. He's three. Therefore, he now thinks the company downsized packaging (much like those cunning girl scouts) and only 4 come in a box. I've got many tricks up my sleeve.

I had a coupon and Oncor meals were on sale, so I thought I'd treat my favorite men. The thing was only going to cost me $1.49. Can't beat that!!! But, alas, the buyers at Pick 'N Save failed me again and there wasn't a pressed, grill-marked patty in sight. I wanted to use the coupon so I got the Mostaccioli with meatballs. The back of the box touts that it's so good you'll claim the authentic recipe as your own.

To that, I say....WTF????? Did you just meet your first stove and pan yesterday?

Isn't their whole ad campaign the "family size that satisfies"??? Who, exactly, is satisfied by 20 tubes of pasta and some runny sauce? I am not kidding...that was my portion. 20 goddamn tubes of overdone pasta swimming in red sauce. I'm not a meatball fan so I opted out of those. But Joe had the same amount of pasta as I did (20 tubes...not kidding here) and the meatballs. Braeden had 2 meatballs and 8 tubes, all of which he decided he didn't want to eat. And that was the entire container. Back of the box says it serves 5. 5 what? 5 midgets??? Do they realize at corporate that the portion size for each of 5 people would be roughly 9 tubes of pasta and 1-1/2 meatballs???

(Okay, fancypants...I know what you're thinking...."That's not Nutrisystem!!!" True-up my friend. But caloricly, there were actually fewer calories in my dinner than had I gone the NS route.)

I know we're hair deep in this recession here but they cannot possibly sleep at night advertising that "now more than ever" Oncor is your cheap, filling dinner solution.

But........... it did only cost $1.49, so I guess, what should I have expected for $.50 a serving????

Day 4 Check-in/Boot Camp Class

2009-02-19T18:49:00.003-06:00

I've gotten through nearly 4 days of Nutrisystem and I am happy as a stuffed clam (but really, where did this expression come from? Do clams have feelings? And if by some slim chance they did, would they be happy to be stuffed???). It's been very easy and I am still incredibly motivated. Just to be safe though, I'm eating all my favorite NS meals right off the bat as opposed to saving them for when I hit a slump. That's just never worked. 4 Days = 100%....unless you count that glass and a half of wine last night. Guess you have to.

I went to Boot Camp class this morning at the gym. OH MY GOD. I'm somewhat fit but this was just ridiculous. You'd think all I ever did for exercise was circle the mall a few times and end up at the food court. I tried pacing myself but was still served my own ass on a silver platter. I had to modify most exercises as I can only do shoulder presses with resistance bands so long before my arms pop off in a bloody mess. I doubt these die-hards would stop long enough to mop up the mess.

It was an hour of pure torture. Running. Sprinting. Spinning. Lifting. Pressing. Stepping. Lunging. Pushing. Sit-Ups. Push-Ups. Inchworms. We even lifted the steps above our heads and did shoulder presses WHILE sprinting. Becky wasn't effing around.

I nearly collapsed. Four times. I thought I was going to throw up several times, and I'm pretty sure that once I did a little bit. I threw my resistance band 5 feet away from me and just lifted my arms, half-assed, because 45 minutes into this crap that was all I could do. I rested that damn step right on top of my sweaty head while walking, not running. NO BECKY, I cannot raise it above my head, even though it's only 30 more seconds. Do you understand that my shoulders are THROBBING? I don't want to be Lou Flipping Ferrigno. I want to be cute and petite.

We are big fans of The Biggest Loser and so many times, I've thought about how cool it would be to be on that show. To have someone scream at you until you're so afraid you're going to pee your pants so you just DO it. I have newfound respect for those contestants, because this is what they do 6-8 hours a day.

Glad I did it though, and I'll probably do it again next week. Perhaps I'll view it as punishment for screwing myself up so badly over the past few months. I think (I hope?) that it will get a little easier and I'll at least be able to keep up and maybe, just maybe, not have to modify.

I just hope there's no babies in the daycare tomorrow as I can state most assuredly that I will not be able to pick them up. I don't think I'll be able to move.

GREED!

2009-02-18T15:59:00.003-06:00

From Fox News:

Postmaster General Gets Pay Bonus as Agency Falters

Postmaster General John Potter's base salary climbed to $265,000 last year from $186,000 in 2007. He also received a performance bonus of $135,000. In all his total compensation -- salary, bonuses, retirement benefits and other perks -- topped $850,000, a spokesman with the U.S. Postal Service told FOXNews.com on Wednesday.

Well, at least we know why stamps are going up another 2 cents... And I guarantee this chump doesn't work nearly as hard or honestly as half the husbands I know, including mine.

$850,000!!! Meanwhile, we're on budget lock-down here. Makes you feel all warm and fuzzy, doesn't it?

"The Bachelor".... Most dramatic Final Rose Ceremony EVER

2009-02-18T12:58:00.002-06:00

I'm seriously laughing my butt off right now.

If you watch the Bachelor or are even familiar with it and it's laughable premise, you are aware of the rose ceremonies and Final Rose, where the Bachelor picks the lady he wants to spend "the rest of his life with", or the one he wants to have crazy mad sex with for a week or two. Track record is similar to a plate of pasta in front of me...doesn't last real long.

After Monday's "dramatic" episode, "The Bachelor's" answer to Jeff Probst informs us there will be 2 "After the Final Rose" episodes, and something so dramatic happens that they had to have a closed set due to the sensitive nature of the situation.

Lordiness. For YEARS, Chris Harrison has been touting each and every episode of the the show to be the "most dramatic ever." Boy, meet Wolf. Wolf, meet Boy.

So now, after years and years of this rubbish, we're supposed to believe something crazy is going to happen that will blow all other finales away. Yawn.

Okay, not yawn, because as usual, I buy all this crap hook, line and sinker. I'm not saying I buy it on an emotional level, as though I actually care about these people. I buy it on the "I need to know" level.

From here on out, I will talk about spoilers but not reveal them. Not everyone is like me and wants to know beforehand!

Until a few days ago, I'd never heard of a chap named "Reality Steve." I guess he's some staple blogger who is, you guessed it, obsessed with reality tv. And he's obsessed with "The Bachelor." Hrm.....I don't even know that many women who watch the show, but there's our pal Steve, following the show and blogging nearly every day. Dude, Laura Bush called...she wants her skirt back.

On the ABC boards yesterday, there were rumors swirling about that Reality Steve had all the answers and knows exactly what is "so shocking" and "sensitive". Why Steve? How does he know? It doesn't matter, because he announced that he would be spilling the beans this morning on YouTube. All your questions will be answered in a self-videotaped message, or possibly 3 consecutive videos, because there is just so much to say.

So I went to work today and damn near counted the minutes until I could get home and watch him share what he claims he's known all along, and is only sharing because he's been concerned about the false rumors being spread on what the "sensative" situation could possibly be. I've read that Molly is pregnant. Melissa is pregnant. Stephanie is really his sister. His ex-wife makes a scene about how he exploited his child. Melissa's parents are dead. Melissa had a sex change (no, I am not kidding).

So Reality Steve, listening to his conscience, decides to put all rumors to bed and tell us what he really knows. What a guy!!!

I just finished watching the videos. I want those 20-some minutes of my life back. In that time, I could have worked out. I could have entered Uppercase Living orders. I could have cleaned my bathroom. Washed my sheets. Folded laundry. Took a shower. Dusted. Vacuumed. Slept. Anything other than watch that display of self-appreciation.

I am wordy but this man takes the cake. He took 20-some odd minutes to tell us what he could have said in no more than 3 minutes. This man obviously loves himself so much that he needed to film himself for nearly a half hour. He talks to his dog. He shifts around like crazy. He pumps himself so full of importance that you wonder why he isn't curing cancer. He makes weird faces. Uses dramatic pauses. It's all here, folks. One stop shopping.

He even goes on to discuss conspiracy theories that even those who think our own government flew the planes into the Twin Towers would be proud of. Who knew tv producers had so much power!

THIS is why we have YouTube. To have people create their own stardom.

Does he have the answers? Did he really know what he was talking about? Well, only time will tell I suppose as the finale is still a week away, and the second After the Final rose is nearly two weeks away. But at least I can sleep tonight knowing what Reality Steve thinks is going to happen...

Is it shocking? Not really. Not if you've seen ANY episode of the past seasons of the Bachelor.

Daily Weight-Loss Challenge Weigh In #2

2009-02-17T13:07:00.001-06:00

Day 2 and I am so happy to say that I kicked butt on Nutrisystem yesterday and today thus far. You may think that's no big deal....it's only a day and a half! Oh, but it is. The first few days are always the hardest, especially when going from normal food to prepacked food.

Kicked my own ass at the gym this morning for 2 hours and I feel great. I love Tuesdays and Thursdays as Braeden is in preschool, and instead of driving PAST the gym to go home, I dedicated myself to the Gym Gods for that time. I've been doing that dedicated time for a month and a half and it's awesome. And since, I've also been much more committed to working out the other 3 days of the work week, if not Saturday too. I love the fact that I've gotten back into this habit and am going strong, and I did so BEFORE hopping back on the Nutrisystem bandwagon. I think that's partially my problem...I go all gung-ho on something and do it 300% but the get burned out. It's too much change all at once. I think this was a smart way to do it!

I just know Becky is going to make me go to Boot Camp on Thursday, and I'm terrified. But I will take it at my own pace. I am the same girl who walked out of Kickboxing 15 minutes in and basically told the instructor to go to hell. I'm so pleasant, aren't I? But she told me to just take it slow and ease into it, and she's the instructor, so I guess I'll give it a go.

There may be another very bitchy post on Thursday.

(In Dana Carvey's Church Lady's Voice) ... Isn't that SPECIAL????

2009-02-17T12:51:00.001-06:00

Well, the twerps over at Platinum Dunes have officially ruined my day. It's heavily rumored they are working on a sequel to the crapfest that was "Friday the 13th". Isn't that SPECIAL???

I can't believe they even have the time to discuss this while working on completely butchering/remaking another shining star of horror...A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Am I on a different planet? Who actually thinks all of this is a GOOD idea???

I am apologizing ahead of time

2009-02-16T15:08:00.001-06:00

I am apologizing ahead of time for the imminent bitchiness that is, as of right now, peacefully slumbering, awaiting it's headlining appearance.

"Still pissed about that Friday remake?" No. As of today, I started Nutrisystem again.

Nutrisystem in itself does not make me bitchy. I had great success with it nearly 3 years ago after becoming a hippopotamus while pregnant, and then continuing with hippopotomy-ways post-birth. 60 pounds. That's what you get when your pregnancy cravings consist of nothing but Hamburger Helper. 10 for $10 Hamburber Helper.

I was on Nutrisystem for 3-1/2 months or so (steadily for 2 and then slowly adding back in normal food for another month or two) and lost a whopping 40 pounds. I know, you're thinking "but you gained 60, Amanda, you said so yourself." Thanks for doing the math and pointing that out, but I did manage to shed some weight when I had a baby pulled out of a scar-inducing slit in my stomach, and when I stopped eating Hamburger Helper 7 days a week. I'm not totally out of control.

Okay, see why I apologized? Bitchy me.

Anyways.... I lost 40 pounds and got down to what I can remember being the fittest I'd ever been. I exercised religiously, ate well, and really applied myself. Many think Nutrisystem is some quick-fix fad diet that you can't possibly maintain because you're not eating the food forever. True, you're not, but it does teach you certain principles, ratios and portion sizes that, unless you're a total dipshit, you CAN apply to real-life and be successful. I was case in point and did just that, even lost more after I went off the pre-packaged food.

Then came 2008. THIS is why I'm bitchy. Why the hell did 2008 even HAPPEN? We lost a tremendous amount of money in the markets. Sales have slowed dramatically at Joe's company. Braeden turned into a very demanding, head-strong and challenging 3-year old (only sometimes but still, it's harder than age 1). Grocery prices and gas went sky high. Obama was elected President.

Shame. I promised I wouldn't do that anymore.

And in 2008, I gained weight. Not a pound or two. Let's say it's enough to make most of my pants not fit correctly. I have a muffin top when I wear them and then my shirts look stupid. My once-cute boobs feel like they're popping out of my bra, even though Joe assures me they are not. My ass feels like it's taken on a life of it's own, like it just woke up and realized it was missing out on the party. My face seems fuller. And my thighs....oh, let's not even talk about my thighs.

"But Amanda, you got yourself there." Yes, thank you very much, AGAIN, for pointing out the obvious. I really slacked on exercising, and although I didn't quit it altogther, it definitely was not as high-priority as it was before. I took many more liberties with food. Pizza became my friend again. You know, the kind of friend you think is your friend but they're really just waiting in the wings to steal your boyfriend... Wine. Oh Lordiness, did I indulge in the wine. And beer. And chips. Pasta... You name it, I probably ate it.

I am an idiot for thinking it wouldn't catch up with me. But 2008, the year from Hell, made sure that it did. In a big way. And I've decided to do something about it. I am taking control. I am doing what I know works because it worked wonderfully in the past. So Nutrisystem, I am here old Buddy. I enjoyed your Pasta with Beef for lunch and look forward to Mac and Cheese for dinner. No more Cheez-its. You hear that Ed? No more Cheez-Its.

I will be fabulous by mid-Spring and stunning by Summerfest. I will win this battle. And I'm blogging about. How stupid am I to document this????

Friday Remake - Seriously?

2009-02-16T12:48:00.001-06:00

When I first heard they were remaking "Friday the 13th", the groan probably shook our windows. In a sad display of evaporating originality, Hollywood has made it a mission to destroy the genre I so adore by remaking every single movie I've loved since childhood. My Bloody Valentine, Amityville Horror, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Fog... Halloween - Hell, even Michael Myers wasn't safe when they turned Rob Zombie loose to interpret the killer John Carpenter once described as "a force of nature" because he was just that...a force of nature. Zombie interpreted this to mean that he was a product of an in-bred, trailer-trash abusive family and a stripper mother. Of course, that must be what John Carpenter meant by "force of nature"!!!

But, being the fangirl that I am, I looked forward to seeing Jason on the big screen again. Nothing gets my blood flowing like witnessing others lose theirs (in a movie, of course!!!) and if it's by Jason's hands, machete, axe, arrow, etc, then the happier I am!

Who the hell was I kidding? What was I expecting? Did I actually expect anything good to come out of Platinum Dunes, the company financing this mess? Sadly, I did, and sadly, I was mistaken.

I'll spare you the review as odds are you don't care. But I will say that I'm completely able to suspend disbelief when watching these types of movies. You have to, or else you just won't enjoy it. It's not realistic, and that's the fun of it. But there were at least two dozen times during this "film" that I wanted to yell "WTF!!!!!!!?????"

For instance:

-If I ever met anyone that talked like the kids do in this movie, I'd beg Jason to kill me just so I wouldn't have to listen.

-Who water skis without a top on? Joe enjoyed that, but really?

-If you hadn't seen the original, would you even understand the impact of Jason's mom's beheading? Would you even understand WHY she was beheaded?

-What happened to the girl that beheaded mom? We know she survived, so wouldn't she have TOLD someone what she went through? Like, the COPS?

-But A few years later, another group goes to the camp and gets slaughtered. A cop tells one inquisitive man that they sent the best men out to look for clues on the missing teens and found nothing and have no reason to suspect foul play. REALLY???? After a massacre a few years back and now 8 teens are missing, they suspect nothing and found nothing. Not even the bloodied, busted up GPS our third group finds sitting in the middle of the damn hiking trail. Or the abandoned cabin Jason's been calling home, complete with severed head. Booby traps? The fact that the abandoned camp was lit up like a carnival at night??? Crystal Lake's finest force hard at work here.

-Back to mom, would you even have known that was her stupid head in the cabin?

-The rats were eating everything else, but NOT her severed head?

-When did Jason have time or skill to create such elaborate exterior lighting? And who is paying for that? Surely the power company would notice electricity being used at an abandoned camp.

-And in between the electric triumphs, when and how on Earth did he learn to create all those trenches and underground passageways? Again, there they are in plain sight and the cops never found them in their massive investigation????

-Jason now uses warning system traps? To alert him that someone is coming and his secrets may be revealed? Does he really give a shit?

-Why did Jason look so feverishly through 3 canoes for intruders only to basically shrug it off and walk away? Short attention span?

-Could the writers and directors have made it any LESS climactic when he found his mask? It was to become his identity for chrissakes!

-There are a bunch of teens missing and our "good" girl decides to take a hike with the creepy guy she JUST met?

-And finally....the wood chipper is begging to be used in a creative kill, especially for the demise of our man Jason. But what do the two stupid loser "survivors" decide to do? Turn it off and CARRY the presumed-dead serial killer to the lake where then dump him into his "grave". Why not just secure his fate in the barn? Why on Earth would you dump the evidence Crystal Lake's finest would need to confirm the story?????????

Ugh, I'm just sickened. In fact, I think I'll watch the original today while I'm working out. It may not have been Oscar-worthy, but it wasn't this shit pile.

A Good Haircut = A New Woman!

2009-02-12T20:28:00.001-06:00

Don't you just love how you feel after you get a good haircut? Luckily, for me, almost every haircut is a good one (in the sense that it's never botched up, not meaning that I've always made the best judgment call on style) because I've found the uber-stylist... I have naturally curly hair and until 3 years ago, I resigned myself to the fact that I would always have a "fro". White girl with big hair. Bell-head. Poodle-head. Goldilocks. Bush. (weird that that one came from my Uncle. If the high school boys ever caught wind of that one.....)

Then I met Megan and my life changed. She completely understood my hair and knew exactly how to deal with it. Taught me how to tame it. Showed me the right products (you mean Pantene wasn't working???). Gave me a "style." It was fantastic. You know why she knows how to deal with my hair??? Because I have "black hair." Yep, me, the whitest girl on the planet (in many senses of the word), I have african american hair. Who knew I wasted my hair youth on white stylists??

Whatever the hell it is, I've got it under control and feel like a new woman today. I cannot believe how long and out of control it was. Sure, I dabbled in the idea of growing it out, but in the name of my own sanity, we nixed that idea. Back to easy, low maintenance and stylish. Ahhhh....

Now, if only she could trim my thighs.

How to ruin a perfectly good day / I'm an idiot

2009-02-06T12:47:00.001-06:00

I hate Reynolds Wrap. I hate cling wrap (let's be honest, does that stuff ever work the way it's supposed to? Sure it clings to your nails, itself, granite countertops...but it never sticks to the damn bowl you're trying to cover). Until I discovered Press 'N Seal, I classified other so-called convenience wraps the way I classify white underwear....useless. (And don't give me the argument that you need white panties to wear under white pants and shorts....you don't, you need nude colored undergarments. Trust me.). But my love affair with Press and Seal is beside the point.

I hate aluminum foil and cling wrap mostly because my toes have long suffered for the engineering mishaps of the box these stupid rolls are placed in. I'll be having a perfectly good day and go to wrap leftovers and BAM!!!!!!! Out of the box flies the entire roll, and onto my toes it lands. Do you even know how heavy those rolls are? Of course you do, because it's happened to you. It happens to us all. No matter how slowly and carefully you pull out your desired length of product (which you just know is either going to be too long or too short anyways), that stupid frappin' 17 pound cylinder of pain is going to come out and cause harm.

Apparently I'm an idiot, and I suspect most of you are as well as I've never heard any of you mention this before... Did you know there are NOTCHES on the side of every Reynold's Foil box for you to press in...they act like anchors to keep the roll where it belongs, inside the box!!!! Who the hell knew!!??

I only discovered this courtesy of my neighbor's e-mail... Observe much, Amanda? Apparently not.

Snuggie Blankets

2009-02-05T21:49:00.002-06:00

Oh my God!!!! I used to have one of these! It was called a robe.

Don't Give Up on Love!!!

2009-02-05T14:30:00.001-06:00

I am big enough to admit when I'm wrong. I never thought it was actually possible to fall in love on a dating reality show but I was proven wrong yesterday. While surfing channels (is that even what they call it anymore?), I stopped and got sucked in to something so pure, so romantic, so real....

No, it was just ridiculous. I got sucked in to "Real Chance of Love". Seen it? If not, consider yourself lucky. Well, maybe not....it was entertaining in a sick zit popping kind of way.

So here are your "bachelors" Real and Chance:

(wait for it.....)

I'm dead serious. 17 women actually went on a dating show in hopes of ending up with one of these 2 prizes. Sexy, ain't they? They like themselves so much they call themselves "Stallionaires." One episode was apparently even titled "Love is in the Stallion-Air." People, I can't make this up.

Who in the HELL are these men????? And why do they have their own show?

You may be wondering, "What kind of woman would want THAT?" I'll extend their 15 minutes of fame by listing them in this fine blog:

Corn Fed (I'm so not shitting you)
Bay Bay Bay
Cali
Risky
Rabbit
Milf (you can figure this one out)
K.O.
Bubbles
Ki Ki
Meatball (born and raised in Italy and spaghetti and meatballs is the only thing these blockheads could associate with Italy)
Lusty
Promo (because she's a promoter...witty, aren't they?)
So Hood (because of her feisty personality...is this some modern lingo I'm not familiar with? When my cat attacks me for food, is she "so hood"?)
Sexy Legs
Harmony
Isha ( Chance and Real said they know a lot of "-isha's", so she is the "Isha" of isha's...makes sense, doesn't it?)
Stalker (they also considered "Glue", "Contraption", "Low Budget" or "Gadget"....)

Okay, let's be fair about this...Real and Chance gave them these nicknames, not their parents. But still, who the hell is okay with going on television and being addressed as "Meatball"???? And thank God they nixed naming one of them "Low Budget." That would have just been insulting. "Contraption" is obviously much better.

Maybe you think I'm being too harsh. Those specimens are rockin'! Here's more for you to lick your lips about...

Why are these men tied together? Maybe they should date each other?

Why is he shooting at me? Meatball, honey, you can do so much better than this!!!!

Are these mugshots????

In the end, Chance chose no one. Even Lusty wasn't enough for our man. But Real chose Corn-Fed (yes, she answers to this name) and the two declared they were gonna give it a shot. Well hoo-effin-ray!!!!

I just read on VH1's site that Corn-Fed declared the relationship DOA, as Real wouldn't even text her back. Nothing says lovin' like texting. Ain't that the truth, brothers and sisters. Preach it!

I'll have you all know I've already set my DVR to record all episodes. I have to see this garbage unfold. I can't imagine it will be better than "Flavor of Love", (another high-quality dating show from the producers at VH1) where our hero Flava Flave handed out clocks to all the ladies he wanted to keep...Who could ever forget the loving sentiments behind "Hickory Dickory Dock....I really dig you so I'm giving you my clock."

Flava Flave:

I'm sure Isha, Queen of Ishas, is sad she missed out on that.

Judgement by Shopping Cart?

2009-02-04T14:12:00.001-06:00

So it's come to my attention that some women judge others based on what is in their shopping cart. They claim that they can tell so much about a person by what they see in the checkout line belt... Lots of frozen meals, chips and beer, must be a bachelor! Juice, white bread and peanut butter and jelly, must be a mom trying to be a good mom but really having no clue. Cheetos, orange juice, and carrots...must be going to an "All-Orange Party." All frozen things together, cans stacked, and boxes neatly packed....must be anal-retentive. All merchandise all amiss....PSYCHO!!!!

Okay, really? Is this REALLY happening? I've been known to glance in others carts, but it almost just happens subconsciously, not because I want to play Psychologist and figure out their personalities. Now I'm totally freaked about my cart. What does it say about me?

Let's see....if I'm at Pick 'N Save or Wal-Mart, Braeden is sitting in the car-attachment part of the cart holding a box of Scooby-Doo Mac and Cheese. I thought this was cute and he's sure having a blast. But no....That must mean I can't bother dealing with my child so I banish him to another part of the cart before feeding him poison, aka white pasta. The front part of my cart (under the seat) is loaded with vegetables and fruit. Well, because I hate my son (obviously) these fruits and vegetables are for me. I am selfish. Slim Fast, so I must have self-image issues. But there's Twinkies in the cart too.... Uh oh, call Dr. Phil. Fat thin fat thin fat thin. I have frozen pizzas and also Boboli breads, sauces and cheese. Wants to be Martha Stewart but settles for Rachel Ray. Interesting.

You think.... Whole wheat bread...well, at least she's doing something right. Refrigerated cookie dough. Sigh. Well, it's obviously not for her banished child, so she must be planning on binging on the entire tube. That's okay, she'll have Slim-Fast the next morning. Oatmeal...nice choice! But fruit snacks? Do you really hate the kid so much you allow him to have kiddie cocaine??? Ham. Ham, really? Hatin' her husband too if she's giving him all that sodium, hoping his BP will suck. Unless, of course, the Twinkies are for him, then she's just trying to kill him. Whole wheat waffles, English muffins and bagels. Obviously wants to try and do the right thing but does any human being need that many carbs? And skim milk. SKIM MILK!!!???? But he's just a baby! He needs whole milk until he's 1. No 3. No wait, this month the magazines say 5. And I just read in that same magazine that kids shouldn't have hot dogs until they're 12. Call child protective services. She's not fit to be a mother. Must be having and affair and is trying to do away with her family. Diet Pepsi??? Oh Lord, this is worse than we thought! She uses artificial sweeteners!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please, I beg of you people, you cart-looking judgers..... Back away. Slowly. Do not judge me. Have you ever been hit in the head with a can of Healthy Request Cream Soup? Yeah, that's right....I said CREAM SOUP.

Instead of scoping out my cart, get your damned checkbook ready, because I'm willing to bet you're the one who waits until the VERY end to fill it in.

Why I'm Going to Start Supporting Hunters

2009-02-02T14:43:00.002-06:00

I'm not a big hunting supporter. I understand why they do it and all, can't have those damn deer running wild, overpopulating, etc. But I just don't get the enjoyment of it all.

Until now. I think I'm going to get my hunting license just so I can shoot that damn groundhog. 6 more weeks of winter...

Blow it's head off. Please.

GET OVER IT!

2009-01-26T15:38:00.002-06:00

So it was announced (or at least I read about it) today that in order to combat the rising costs of goods, Girl Scout cookies will now come to us in smaller quantities. Just when we all came to terms with the fact we're paying $3.50 for 6 cookies, now we'll only get 4. At least, that's what it seems like...

My initial reaction was much like my reaction every time I go to the grocery store... "you have to be fucking kidding me." It's the same reaction I uttered the first time I opened a can of green beans and poured out a cup of water to be left with an ounce of grayish green deliciousness. Or when we opened a bag of Ruffles to discover instead of being half filled, it was only 1/3 filled. Screw you all. But it's how companies are winning the recession game - charge the same but give less product, under the thinly veiled illusion of status quo.

So now the Girl Scouts, with their knee-high socks and stupid sashes, are in on the game. It's not that I don't support the GS, I am a former member and think it's a great organization. I believe in the cause, and therefore I will buy the damn cookies.

What I find most hilarious about this whole thing is the replies that news sites are getting from readers. Sure, there are a few complaining that we're getting less for our money these days, and the effing cookies are already overpriced as is. But there are actually people out there using this as a platform for preaching healthier eating. They're chanting "Use this Opportunity to Treat Your Body like the Temple It Is!" A woman claims she can no longer eat packaged cookies because now that she eats only whole foods, her body cannot handle the processed pucks or any thing else the rest of us call "tasty". Someone else bitched that the Girl Scouts are actually part of a grand conspiracy to kill us gluttons with their hydrogenated oils and high fructose corn syrup. Yes, that is their part of their new mission statement. Apparently, you missed the memo on that....

Give me a damn break. I eat healthy 90% of the time. I only have whole grain bread in the house, we eat whole wheat pasta from time to time, and we're big in vegetables and fruits. I do cringe when my husband eats a Twinkie because it just can't be good for you. But I'm not a nazi for pete's sake. Don't make the rest of us feel like freaks with nipples on our cheeks because we eat a cookie every once in a while. A little treat never killed anyone. Would you rather the Girl Scouts go door to door selling hummus? Yeah, remind me not to go to any of your parties, you wild child!!!

Get over it.

Ask and you shall receive.....REALLY!

2009-01-23T14:30:00.001-06:00

Inspired by a story on Yahoo today (at least I think it was Yahoo), I decided to call many of the folks who are kind enough to send me bills every month and ask for a discount. It never really occurred to me to do this, as I am so used to customer DISservice. And guess what happened? I am 3 for 3! Well, technically 2 for 3, but I still count one of them as a victory for my family.

DirecTv and CenturyTel were most obliging. I explained that times were tight and we were buckling down, and they immediately offered discounts. DirecTv at first only offered $5 off a month for 12 months, which is better than nothing. But I asked again if that was the best they could do to keep a customer, and she upped it to $10 a month. Yeah! $10 is $10 and I'll take it. Our bill is still ridiculous and I still hate DirecTv, but they moved up a few notches with this gesture.

CenturyTel's EJ gave me a $10 discount right off the bat as a loyalty discount. I didn't want to push any further because I don't want to sound pathetic. But again, it's $10 a month. Up to $20 a month!

The last call was to my cell phone provider and what shocked me was how encompassing our plan was and we didn't need it to be. And apparently we didn't have a texting plan so all those damn messages I've been sending to Jaime and Erin were costing me big bucks. OOPS. So we took down the plan a notch and added texting, and now our bill will be $35 cheaper a month!

$55/month so far and I'm waiting for a call back from my insurance agent now. I've heard that even THEY are willing to negotiate due to all the cheap providers on the internet. Don't know what will come of it, but either way at least I'm trying. Work with me, Paul!

And just because I'm saving money DOES NOT mean that I want to buy my prescription drugs from you Kareem Crockett, so please tell your friends to stop sending me 87 messages a day on discounted Cialis.

Janik Family = $55 richer a month
Me = Awesome

Forget the Inauguration...I found Kirsten (even if she is a liberal)

2009-01-20T13:17:00.000-06:00

I'm not going to spew thoughts on the Inauguration of Barack Obama because there is no point in doing so. I am a conservative and hold steady in my political stance. This, however, is not to say that I wish him failure. I do not, I hope nothing but the highest success for our new President. As stated before, I respect the highest office in the Land.

This entry is about something so much more exciting to me at the moment. Thanks to Erin (who made me get on Facebook), I've reconnected with my college friend Kirsten. Like 2 fraternal village idiot twins, we were inseparable for a good portion of our college years: partied, cried, laughed, drank Sloe-Screws until our skin turned pink, invented smoke filters, body surfed, evaded the "Second Floor Smoking Nazis", admitted defeat by the "Second Floor Smoking Nazis" and moved up two floors and became roomies, talked New Kids, had snowball fights, lived in an adorable yellow house together....oh, sometimes we went to class....

I am so grateful to Facebook for I've reconnected with some great friends I never thought I'd see again. And finding Kirsten has been the highlight thus far. We have 10 years to make up for....look out.

Recession Smessesion....Apparently!

2009-01-19T14:37:00.001-06:00

FROM TVGUIDE.COM

Shakira, Stevie Wonder and Usher

Crowds and Celebs Alike Pack We Are One Inaugural Kick-Off Concert

Just two days shy of Inauguration Day, swaths of celebrities, an estimated 300,000 people and TV viewers turned out to join We Are One: The Obama Inaugural Celebration at the Lincoln Memorial, Barack Obama's inaugural kick-off concert.

More than an estimated 300,000 people gathered at the Lincoln Memorial midday Sunday to see readings, speeches, appearances, performances and more from the likes of Beyonce, U2, Pete Seeger, Bruce Springsteen, Jamie Foxx, Garth Brooks and Jack Black, among others.

Denzel Washington introduced the event, during which a veritable parade of stars took the stage. Bruce Springsteen followed Washington with a performance of "The Rising," a song of his that was often used on Obama's campaign trail.

In the spirit of the concert's theme, the afternoon was marked by unusual pairings of people at the mic. Steve Carell and Jamie Foxx, for example, appeared together for a pair of readings (plus a few laughs), while James Taylor, John Legend and Grammy-winning country singer Jennifer Nettles performed "Shower the People." Later on, Ashley Judd and Forest Whitaker spoke together about the importance of poets, after which Usher and Shakira performed "Higher Ground," with Stevie Wonder on keyboard.

The afternoon was also punctuated by nods to history. John Adams star Laura Linney introduced a video of President Franklin D. Roosevelt at the start of concert, while Samuel L. Jackson appeared later with words about Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks and the movement they started. U2 tag-teamed with a tribute to Dr. King, performing "Pride (In the Name of Love)."

Shortly before the concert drew to a close, Obama arrived on stage to speak to the throngs spread out around the Reflecting Pool.

"I stand here today as hopeful as ever that the United States of America will endure — that the dream of our founders will live on in our time," he said.

Backed by a choir, the Boss returned to the stage with Pete Seeger to jam out "This Land Is Your Land."

Beyonce, who will perform "At Last" for Barack and Michelle Obama's first dance on Tuesday, closed the two-hour celebration with a rousing rendition of "America the Beautiful" as all the day's performers and guests joined her on stage for a star-studded sing-along.

So, it's rumored this this "celebration" will cost 160 Million dollars. Let me say that again....160 MILLION DOLLARS. For a man who is talking about bringing together the nation and whose goal is to fix this economic mess we're in, this sure as hell is sending the wrong message. Is this an Inauguration or an effing "We Are the World" concert? Wouldn't it have been much more suited for him to continue putting on the "I'm one of you" shows? This blatant display of tossing your money into an alligator's mouth is downright hilarious. "One of us" my ass!

I am not a total inept moron who actually believes that this inauguration could be handled quietly and tastefully (tastefully being the key word here). People are excited and want to celebrate. Great, let them! But you know damn well many of these people are the same people we saw bitching and moaning in Obama's "historic" infomercial about how they have no money, no security, no jobs......... Yet they'll shell out the high prices for tickets to Obama parties. Here's an idea...stay home an put that money in the bank. You know, for an even rainier day (that I'm sure you'll blame Bush for).

Sigh. A sign of the times.... I wonder if the entertainers turning out in droves for this realize that normal people see that their omnipresence throughout this entire thing is making a mockery of the institution. Is this Woodstock, or the Inauguration of the our next (deep breath) President?

Sexiest Serial Killer EVER

2009-01-15T11:24:00.002-06:00

Seriously, just look at that face...

I'm officially obsessed with the Shotime show "Dexter." I knew I'd like it as horror movies are my thing, but I had no idea it would be to this level. After cranking out seasons 1 and 2 each in less than 48 hours, I'm ready to declare my love to Dexter. There's just that small little detail of him being a fictional character. And a murderer. Oh, and I'm married.

A killer with a conscience. Who knew?

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Look at me!

2009-01-09T13:31:00.001-06:00

3 new posts today and counting! I'm on a roll!!!

Breaking News

2009-01-09T13:29:00.001-06:00

This just in... Tom Cruise is deeply saddened for the the plastic milk ring I had to throw away this morning. He calls the event "horrific."

Tom Cruise on Jett Travolta's Death

2009-01-09T13:22:00.002-06:00

WHY is this in the headline news on Yahoo's home page? Why do I care what Tom Cruise has to say about this tragedy? I am deeply saddened for the Travoltas. It was THEIR son. So why the hell does everyone care about what Tom "I'm a fucking lunatic" Cruise has to say on the matter? Totally baffles me. Nobody knocked on my door to ask me my opinion on the passing.

Is it because they're both Scientologists? Gee, for a guy who says he wants to dispell the myth that Scientologists are a bunch of cultists, he is doing nothing to help his cause.

Tom, please do us all a favor...go back to making your crappy movies and turning poor Kate into a Stepford Wife. Your time is up.

This is SO me

2009-01-09T13:15:00.001-06:00

So I started this blog with the best intentions. I was going to update it regularly so that all my peeps would know what is happening in my life, my family's life, etc. I started off with a gusto....several posts hammered out in the first day, a few closely following. And, just like a lot of other things in my life, I stopped. Just like that. Obsessed at first, then totally disinterested.

It's not that I don't have anything to say. It's actually quite the opposite. My son gets his jabber-jaws from me. The last month has been so busy and lots of cool stuff has happened that I totally WANT to blog about. I just haven't gotten around to it. The holidays are very busy!

But I do have time to say this...WII is awesome. We're totally obsessed with it right now, which means next month, I'll stop playing it altogether.

Man of the Year....of course

2008-12-17T14:43:00.001-06:00

Well, there you have it folks, our Man of the Year as scribed by Time Magazine. Cute, isn't he? Don't believe what others may have told you, he made the Jackson 5. Tito who?

As a loyal American, I respect the office of the President and come January, I pledge to respect Obama. It'll be hard to put a year of double-standards, staged soundbites, negative campaigning and pure astonishment that people bought into this blowhard's "I'm gonna make everything all better" persona behind me. But I am a true American and therefor I pray that he will do well in his position and we as a nation will prosper because of it.

I have always believed that we need to have respect for the highest office in the land. But Time's Man of the Year? I owe no loyalty to that title.

Does Anyone Even EAT them???

2008-12-17T13:04:00.001-06:00

I'm talking about Christmas cookies. Mom's were built a certain way, and I think our molds come complete with the need to make Christmas cookies. You know, the ones that sit on a plate at Christmas time that almost everyone comments on how pretty they are but don't actually eat them. The cookies with random items shoved into them (cherries, peanut butter cups), ones baked with candy canes smashed to smithereens (great job for a 3 year old), cookies in odd food-coloring colors...

So I started the cookie baking task yesterday and prepped Braeden for it. He was very excited and begged me all afternoon to start. I thought it was so sweet....After all, all kids like baking, don't they? HELL NO. He didn't want to get messy, got bored with watching the mixer (weird because he's fascinated by that big orange beast), wiped the flour dust off my counter because it was dirty, and told me the butterscotch chips "didn't smell good." So much for mother-son bonding and creating a tradition he could look forward to every year.

Guess I'm on my own. I'm four batches down and already know I have to remake the candy cane sugar cookies. They're adorable, but according to my son they're too "crunchy", and that's another thing on the list of things he doesn't like....

All I Want for Christmas is....A Princess Unicorn Doll

2008-12-12T11:46:00.002-06:00

The Legend:

Princess Unicorn is from a distant land on a distant planet far in the future. She came from her father, king of the unicorns, and her mother, a queen of the princesses. Sorcerissa, the evil witch, cast a spell on Princess Unicorn's parents, forcing them into another dimension, and doused Princess Unicorn in radiation. The radiation did not hurt Princess Unicorn, but gave her magical powers. She can summon her magic by holding her wand and calling out "My horn can pierce the sky!" Now she uses he magic and beauty to write for her school paper, defend her kingdom, and battle Sorcerissa so she can be reunited with her mother and father some day.

And THIS is why I love "The Office." It is, officially, my favorite tv show. Sorcerissa!? Seriously? And when you hear "My Horn Can Pierce the Sky", aren't you just singing it to the Transformer's theme (old school here) in your head??? (More than meets the eye!)

www.princessunicorndoll.com

From the very website created to further waste my time in a most entertaining way:

* Comb her hair and set it the way you wish!
* Her hands move freely!
* Includes sparkly Magic Wand!
* Beautiful multi-layered dress!

Princess Unicorn, the most beautiful in all the land.
Grab her wand and let your imagination soar.
Unlock the magic of Princess Unicorn!

Caution:

* Wash hands thoroughly after handling Princess Unicorn.
* Do not play with Princess Unicorn if you are allergic to lead based paint.
* The spike on Princess Unicorn is incredibly sharp, so Princess Unicorn can pierce the sky. It can also pierce your skin. Handle with care. (Who in the hell is writing this stuff? I want to buy them a beer!)

Appropriate for ages 2+

And to make sure no one feels left out:

The Office is up for 2 Golden Globes, to be given out in January. There is absolutely ZERO reason this piece of comedic gold shouldn't win best comedy. Tina Fey and the rest of the cast of 30 Rock, kiss my rear.

Aside from Princess Unicorn, there was plenty of goodness in this episode:

"I call it a orangevodjuice-ka."
"Princess Unicorn: Genetically improbable. How does that happen? A king has sex with a unicorn? A man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?" (yes, more Princess Unicorn, gotta give it up to Dwight)
"Do you take requests?" "Please stop."

And finally, if anyone is still looking for a Christmas gift for me, I'd like a Princess Unicorn shirt, size L. I will buy you many orangevodjuice-kas.

Life's BIG Pleasures

2008-12-06T13:32:00.001-06:00

Today I played in the snow with Braeden, and it's just one of those things that warms your heart and makes you love life. I got him completely bundled up (winds howling at 25 miles an hour...come on already!) and then he had to pee, of course....but then we re-bundled and shoveled together, made snow angels, and played King of the Hill preschool style on the snowbanks from Mr. Mike's plow (snow blower still isn't working). He had his little Diego sunglasses on the a scarf wrapped around his face, so all you saw was this little pink nose and cheeks and it was so unbelievably adorable.

I hate being cold, hate the snow, and hate all things winter in Wisconsin, but I have to say that this morning was wonderful.

Subway - We Make It Our Way Because You're a Pain in the Ass

2008-12-06T13:11:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I had one of the worst customer service experiences of my life. Braeden and I went to the Subway in Wales where I ordered our usual, a footlong ham (yes, to share...) with vinegar, tomatoes, oregano and lettuce. Not too complicated...I've seen some of the things people call a sandwich when I'd call it my weekly grocery list. Already appearing to be having a crappy day, Ms. "Sandwich Artist" put oil on my sub. Now, I understand this mistake because not all people get their acid-freak on like I do and need the oil to mellow it out. Very nicely, I pointed out that I did not want oil, and she just stared at me. I don't know if she was waiting for me to bust out "Psych!", but she just stared. So of course I repeated myself, and after a few moments, she asked if I wanted her to remake it. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought Subway made the sandwich to your specifications. If I don't want oil and you mistakenly put it on there, YES, I want you to remake it.

So you know what Ms. Attitude does? She mutters the word "Wow" and then ROLLS HER EYES as she turns to get a new bread. WTF???? Now, thinking I may have misheard, because surely nobody would be that retarded to INSULT a customer by insinuating that they're a pain in the ass, I asked her if I heard her correctly. Yes, I did, because she repeated it. Am I in the f-ing twilight zone here??? Is this what we should come to expect now at Subway...that we now shall sacrifice customer service for a $5 footlong?

So after Braeden and I ate and I sat and stewed, I decided to consult a manager regarding the situation. Not only did I feel she just pacified me by listening, but she didn't even offer me a coupon? Now, I'm as frugal as they come, but I certainly don't go around bitching about stuff to get free crap. She offered to give me another sandwich, and again I wonder if I'm in the twilight zone because surely she saw that I already ate? Do I still look hungry? Is that why the sandwich is only $5, because it doesn't fill every inch of my gut? I told her I'd take a coupon instead and she obliged, but trust me, she wasn't doing it to regain my business. I don't think she gave a crap about me, or the pimple she has working for her. What manager would possibly stand for an employee belittling a customer with sarcasm and eye rolls?

I guess Subway has their own standards.

Thank God This Isn't Us

2008-12-04T14:08:00.001-06:00

My new favorite e-mail:

"The wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks now. They are up now and for some reason she will not talk to me."

Thank God this isn't us. After years of not having any "exterior illumination", we finally got some Christmas lights up and they are beautiful. It took a lot of time and effort, but I've gotta give it up to Joe. He outdid himself. And there was minimal cursing, throwing, or flying lit reindeer. I was so proud.

Now, back to the picture above...what in the hell?? You know it's gotta be someone from the "Nort Side", some funny husband who felt he got the best of his better half. I wonder if the couch was comfy??? And I wonder if his punishment is twice as bad now considering their home is now circulating the internet?

Thanks for the good laugh, Julie. :)

Rule of Thumb

2008-12-03T18:25:00.001-06:00

Rule of Thumb if you're a Janik living in Wisconsin:

When it snows, your snowblower will be broken. And it snows a lot. Especially on evenings when you have to go to Bunco and have a neighbor picking you up. Go ahead, shovel what's there. The snowblower is broken, so by this rule of thumb, it's going to snow a shitload more.

It's like the equivalent of having a riding mower but having to cut each blade of grass individually with a pair of nail clippers.

Does the Library Know It's Soon to be Christmas?

2008-12-03T13:50:00.001-06:00

Today was our first storytime for preschoolers at the community library. Braeden was actually very well behaved compared to when we tried to do lapsit storytime when he was younger. That was a disaster. While his butt never stops moving, he did enjoy the stories read about cookies.

Afterward, we went by the books themselves and tried picking out Christmas books for check out. Do you think they pulled any holiday books at all to put in the usual "spotlight" section of the library? Thanksgiving had a Thanksgiving display. Halloweentime had Halloween books for your browsing. What do they have in December for Christmas? Eric Carle. You know (if you have kids)...that guy who writes those obnoxious books with creepy Picasso-style illustrations. Books about Birthday surprises for boys that look like they were inbred. Books that are filled with nothing but statements such as "Can you do it? I can do it!" Strange blue apes and purple tigers. If this were the 60's, I'd suggest it was LSD inspired. This is what the spotlight is this month.

I did not realize that Eric Carle was bigger than Jesus. Santa apparently has nothing on him. Books about reindeer??? Check the on-line catalog and go find them yourself (and then find out that they're not there).

It's not that I mind not having books at my fingertip to choose from easily. But for a preschooler, it sure is nice when we can go to one section and have him select several books himself. Gives him a sense of empowerment, instead of me searching for them for him. I'm all about teaching him independence, and these are the little things that help me out.

You can be sure there will be no Eric Carle in our stockings this year.

You obviously don't have children

2008-12-03T13:18:00.001-06:00

You obviously don't have children.

Yes, I'm talking to you, the people who were staring at me yesterday in Walmart as my child SCREAMED at the top of his lungs. Yes, you, the people who were trying to pick out the perfect birthday card for your perfect nephew, because, of course he's perfect.... You don't see him everyday. You see him on his birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving (along with all 40 of your other relatives who sit around clammoring for the dry turkey, crispy skin and liquid fat talking about how you REALLY need to get together more often) and maybe a picnic here and there during the summer. I'm talking to you, the women who were trying to decide which casserole dish to buy...the 8x8 or 8x11 (you really do need one of both, ladies, c'mon). I'm talking to the man in the cookie aisle who was obviously so distracted from choosing his 4th box of Keeblers that he had to turn and go the other direction in the aisle from me (It's Keebler dude, they all taste the same...it's fudge covered something or another).

He's 3. Okay? I wasn't proud, but he was pissed off that he couldn't have the entire sheet of stickers when the poor Wally World greeter tried giving him 1. Meldown ensued, and there was no stopping the train of tantrum that the entire store heard coming their way. I held my ground, was firm, did not give in, but I had to get an anniversary card. I could get out without anything else but I had to buy the damn card. I did what I needed to do as quickly as I could, and I'm sorry that I inconvenienced you. Believe you me, I was inconvenienced myself.

Let me explain this.... You were bothered for a mere 30 seconds as I plowed by you, screaming child in tow. Sure, you may have heard him in the distance (say, sporting goods), but I did my best to make sure that other patrons did not have to put up with his spinning head for long. I, on the other hand, had to deal with your cold looks and whispers. I had to deal with you judging me as a parent based off of 30 seconds. I had to pick up the chips he tossed across the check out line and abandon my cart with a few things I needed. I then had to buckle this child into his car seat while he stiffened straighter than a board and continued to scream and cry as though I were beating him. Then, I had to ride 15 minutes home with him screeching at ear-peircing levels while trying to pretend I didn't hear him at all. I had a hell of an afternoon. It was a MAJOR inconvenience to me, so consider your 30-second blipit into my life nothing by comparison.

But he is 3 and he is going to have his moments. I can say this now that the storm has calmed and he is back to being his pleasent, polite, sweet self. Parenting sure is interesting, you take the good with the bad and love them regardless. And since yesterday, I've made a promise to myself to try and not judge others.

But you, people who made me feel like crap...you obviously don't have children.

Dapper Dan's Fine Life

2008-12-03T13:14:00.001-06:00

What else should I post about for my first thoughtful blog entry...Christmas pressures, of course.

I want to get Braeden one of those learn to dress dolls that teaches him how to tie, button buttons, do zippers (he can zip, he just can't connect the two pieces before he zips), etc....So I went on Amazon and do you know that the only ones I can find on Amazon are like $35 dollars and up??? There are a few that got poor reviews that are a little less expensive, but where in the $#@% does Dapper Dan get off?? $38 for a stupid doll with a zipper and button? He must be living the high life with Dressy Bessy. (Don't even get me started on the Learn to Dress Elmo...$74.99....Rent on Sesame Stree must have gone up)

First Entry

2008-12-03T13:09:00.001-06:00

So this is my first adventure in blogging. I always have so much to say and not enough time to do it, and while I enjoyed trying to keep up with Braeden's baby page, it just got to be so far behind and not as spontaneous as I'd like. So I figured I may as well give blogging a shot. We'll see how much I suck at this. ;)

I really need to figure out a way to go back and create post-dated entries as there are things I want to add from the past but I'm not sure I can. So, for now, I guess we will start today and move forward. Thanks for visiting, and enjoy...